Facinating death by car

I want to tell about something that happened to me today:

I was walking in the forrest today, and after about two hours of walking I came out of it.
I came out to a braod road where it passed a lot of traffic.
Its a very strange feeling to come in such sudden changes of the environment.

I was standing at the side of the road and a huge car caught my vision. I couldnt help to notice it. It was pretty far away but it came at a really fast speed.

I have always been very good at calculating how fast I need to walk to get ecxactly over on th eother side of the road in time before the car would hit me, so I have never bothered to wait when I see a car comming. I think its the result of growing up in the middle of the town, playing hide and seek behind cars and having to develop a way to get well around them.

My father has predicted that I might die in a traffic-accident because of me tendency to just walk directly out in the raod when theres a lot of cars arriving, but I do have the feeling well based in me so I know it will go well. (Except if theres some looney behind the weels some time, then my father will get his predistion proved I guess).

Well, I saw this car and went directly into the road...walking a littel slower now than I usually would, I wanted to get a sertain feeling. Cause the thougths that came into my mind when I walked into the raod was this:

What if this time I got hit by the car? What would it feel like? What would I look like? On the road? Maybe it would be a really bad accident? Maybe I would loose some of my limbs? Maybe an arm would get detached.?

I could see the sight of it in my head. Me all smeared out on the pavemnt.

Fresh blood running out of me. Maybe some of my internal guts pooring out of my body,

- smashed, full of dirt and mud from the car.

It has some sort of beastial beauty over it.

I dont know why, but I found the thought facinating. (Not that I havent had it before)

..... and I walked really slowly to really get the feeling of this thought into my system.
I watched the car closely as it came nearer and nearer me....
imagined the metal hit my soft skin, crushing through my bones. How would the sound be?

...... and then I was over on the other side of the road. And the car passed me directly after in a fast flash.

Dont misundersand me, I am not suicidal AT ALL! I love my life, but theres something so facinating about death and also about distruction that really appeals to me in a mobide kind of way.

To see a beeing. That has its beliefs, its truths, its passions, alive and full of blood and thoughts and emotions. IN ONE SECOND this being is not anymore,

its distructed,

its this thing lying on the pavemnt,

that will roth

and stink

and maybe be eaten up by some animals.

Call me sick, but It facinates me.


The paradoxal cruelty of life has its own beauty.