Thursday, February 25, 2010

relatinship

I have been a lot around a person lately that is driving me insane.
I don't want to say who it is, cause it´s a person I love very much and don´t want to talk shit about anybody like that either, so I will keep it anonymous.(And please don´t try to guess who it is)

But the thing is, I really need to get somethinging out about it, so I will write a little here.
Keep in mind that this is just my side of it all, so I guess a lot of neuances fall away.

She is so manipulating is getting on my nerves. And she cannot see it herself.
In the beginning when we are around each other everything is well and we get along perfectly and have a really good time. But after a while her stuff kicks in and she starts picking on me. Jumping up for the weirdest things and making me feel like shit about something I don't get at all. Never able to ask directly for what she needs or the things she feels, just manipulations all over.

First she gets mad. Often it´s for something I don´t get at all, like she asked me if I could go turn the heater off, and I didn´t want to right then cause I was bussy, so I said I would do it in a while. Then she gets totally mad and says that I am super-selfish and don´t know how to show care for her. (Obviously. I have always found switching of heaters to be a sign of care, heh)

....but she isn´t even directly mad, it´s just that hard "you should fear me and feel ashamed of yourself" -voice and her body freezes up and looks all "roboty".
I would prefer it a 1000 times if she just yelled at me.
Then either two things can happen.
1: She keeps this act and I try to stay calm, because I really don´t want a fight, until she pushes me to the edge and I explode and start yelling at her
2: She keeps pushing but I manage to stay calm and don´t get trapped in her ways.

Then if nr 2 happens, that I don´t respond to her ways, she gets all, "Now we should make up and pretend everything is fine"
At this point I am normally so pissed of because the way she is treating me and the last thing I want to do is to "make it good again"...I just want her to leave me alone and sod off.

And then when I don´t want to "make up" about it, I she pulls the "guilt-load" over my head.
I am so bad and selfish that don´t want to make up when she is comming here, trying to make things good again (She plays the perfect martyr) And it is always her that tries to apologize.

Very often she has a sertain pattern to the entire thing, and if I don´t do as excpected she flips and I am bad.
Like, I don´t want to apologize for soemthing I don´t feel I did wrong.
But to her apologizing is a sort of way to get to be friends again. It a standard thing you have to do after a fight, or there is something wrong.
I dont feel like that. Sometimes both think they did right and one can agree to disagree or something like that.
Of course it is important to be able to say you are sorry, if you really feel and know that you have done something unjust.
But oooh nooo, we have to follow the "sceme"......

I just want to scream and leave and move across she other side of the world so I never see her again.
But still I love her.

It´s hard and it´s getting on my nerves.
I just want to hang and have a good time.
Dammit!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Repeating Cycle of Love Addicts in Relating

First the Love Addict is attracted to the other person, because they seem powerfull and strong. This is usually an Avoidance Addict (or another Love Addict).

Fantasies are triggered and the Love Addict feels high. "It's karma, destiny, fate, we're soulmates. Our connection is magical, we explode together, the sex is the best ever... etc etc"

The Love Addict feels relief from the pain of loneliness, emptiness and not mattering. Feels high and elated, like it is the best feeling in the world and nothing can compare to it.

The Love Addict begins to enmesh with the partner, wanting more and more attention, sex, or whatever the addict feels as the strongest high, showing more neediness, want and desire. Partner starts by this to move away. The Love Addict denies the reality of this moving away by the avoidant, denies feeling and being abandoned by the partner. This denial protects against the agony of rejection and abandonment.

Eventually the Love Addict begins to be aware of the abandonment, and the denial slowly crumbles,- Is starting to really feel the rejection they fear so much. Reactions that follows differ much from each addict to an other, but can be any of the following:
Obsessing; Extreme focus on partner; must know or think about what partner is doing at all times. Talk to others about it, and think abuot it constantly. May rage and get hysterical; may bargain, threaten. Some will stalk, or obsessively call or textmessage. Quite common is also to just endure it silently and say nothing to the other part, but be in a costant state of agony. May call partner's boss, announce to others to gain sympathy. May dress more seductively, go on vacation with partner, have affairs, showing extreme neediness to lure partner back. Relationship becomes more and more toxic.

Love Addict enters withdrawal. (Avoidance Addict fares better – just leaves). Love Addict’s original feelings of childhood are activated along with adult feelings of current abandonment. Pain, fear, anger, jealousy, emptiness, overwhelm,

hopelessness. Extremely intense depression and suicidal feelings. Fear becomes anxiety and panic. Anger becomes frustration, rage, or homicidal jealousy. As a result of this loss, the Love addict may also face loss of income, house,

being a single parent. Love Addict may be so overwhelmed that s/he goes into withdrawal or jumps to next point in cycle, obsession. This behavior shifts them outside of their painful feelings.

Love Addict now obsesses how to get the Avoidance Addict to return; or dreams about being rescued; or fantasizes about having a better lover; or ruminates how to get even with the Avoidance Addict partner; or contemplates indulging in

another addiction like food or drugs to numb the pain; or plans another sexual encounter with a new partner to avoid being alone.

Love Addict now compulsively acts out the obsessive plans. Get drugs, food at 2am. Burn partner’s clothes. Go and beg partner to return, threaten suicide. Take overdose of pills. Kill partner, children and self. Go get laid.

Repeat cycle either with the returning partner or the ensnared new partner.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Swimming pills

~ A repost from 2005

I have just taken a sleeping-pill one time in my life, as I stay off medicines in general.
But here you see the result.
Enjoy!
~ Aasa

SLeepnipills !!!!!!!!!"""WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I took a sleepingpill now/--------/----------<
nnnnnnnnoonnnnoonnnnoonnn is is /rt? am I dreaming now????
nnonnnnoooonnnnnnonnnnnonIguess I was sousted tbe sellkeding no, but I get te weirdest thguhts ion yous %%%%%%%%%%%%%/%%%%%%%skeeppingsills åå /
tis is thwe end, besutifu/lkytr frinds the end. fkisten to you acn ehas them crack that
crack carkc carkc acrkav cakradvfdhfsjfvaCACRAKCARK CARK CRAK CRKA that littel tiny shell jhe hed under his feef,. CRACK crackfbsbjnnevermnback neverevernabback
"%&&hhhhhhhhhhhhan ikke men jeg
jeg kan BEAUTY IS : --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<
It made me weird øøøøø /9999999999999999999999999999999666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666
I like it-------------/----W/ e c a n b e a t ------------------------------i-------t-/
I t sliek 1 min more acuse i dton dtake anything fake
wow this /feels surreal------?-W-H-O-?----------------/////////////////////////////
//I said it. in genrealt he was reakkly he had a lot of troubel he shou,get seom help I really mane it I do --/ ---poo r fllw
should he -----------------------------------/ ------------/////////shoot?//----------------------------/***********************************************************************************************************************************
//------------------/--------------------/
the keyborad m//akes a noce liek a bug beign crushed slowly to death. slllloooowly you can hear its intetines getting smashed uo and she shell crack inside the kerboard
krikketicrackectcrcrcrcrctaptapppp

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Book recommendation

I recommend with all
of my heart, Siddhartha,
by Herman Hesse.

It is so beautiful
I cried and laughed
at the same time repeatedly.

I recognized so much of my
own inner journey
in this description,
and it was a wonder to read.

I read it first time when I was 15,
and after that I have read it
again many times.
Only to discover something
new each time.

Run out and buy it now! ;-)

Monday, February 01, 2010

Random arguable facts

Everything is nothing and nothing is everything

People are too scared of pain and sorrows

The seahorse male gives birth, instead of the female

Sex is not at all overrated, neither is romance

Too many people die before they die

I am in love with life, is life in love with me?

Bananas have a funny greenishyellow colour

Most people don't know themselves, even though they think they do

A shooting star has nothing to do with stars

There is a secret country where left socks, pens and lighters live in harmony with each other