Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Jaw hurtsTired feetSugarBlue and red in a mixClosenessCheeseVelvet cloudsTouch meDimm lightsSpicesKiss under lightpoleWarm handsGood smellsDreamingmyselfawaySoft skinAlluringMysteryDark sweetnessRun or stay?PleasureSecure

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Childrens story part one

Will in the forrest, his friend Umbrella, a purple mysterious tophat and a talking - yet evil fish

There once was a boy named Will who lived in a treehouse in the forrest. All his life he had felt that there was something wrong with the society he lived in...he didnt really feel like a part of it.
He would walk down the street, looking at the people passing by trying to undersand what they were doing, or thinking or running after. But he never seemed to really understand.
So when he was still a little boy, he gave it up, and decided to go the way he felt was good for him, to live in the forrest.
Now he was 2.20 meters tall, skinny, had red hair and green eyes.
He loved Vanilla fudge, singing out loud to himself, the sound of the leaves blowing in the treetops and sitting in really high places looking down.(Especially if it was a ocean to look down on)
But living in the forrest was not the only thing that had made Will a little different......what I will tell you know might sound a little pequliar, and to tell you the truth, it really is
- Will had a fish trapped inside his brain

The fish was tiny and blue, but it had no name as far as I know. Still it was a very clever fish.
It is possible that the fsh was so clever that it changed name now and then, and that is the reason why I havent discovered it yet.

But even though it was a smart fish, it was very often bored, because it didnt have much to do inside Wills brain. The fish was like one of these people. maybe you know one of them too?. They are so intelligent they can outsmart you in any debate, they know so much about so many things and can solve the most complicated riddles and tasks. But when it comes to just having fun, they are really not so good at it.

Well, the fish had two things that it did when it got bored. The first one was to blow little bubbles inside Wills brain. This is not so strange, as bubbles came quite natural to the fish.
To the fishs amusement Will always got a feeling like he was being tickeled inside his head when it blew the bubbles. Often he would start to laugh or jump up and down or lay down on the floor and roll around giggeling when this happened. This was one of the few entertaintments the fish had.
Maybe you have had this feeling of "braintickles" sometimes too? (If you have I would recommend you go to a doctor to see if you have a fish trappeds inside your brain, its more common than you know)

As I have already told you, the fish was a very smart and quite unusual fish. not only was it smart, it could also talk.
But I am sorry to say that it had quite a surreal and morbide sense of humor. The humoer itself was not so, bad, but what it made the fish do is an other story.
You see, it was not a very goodhearted fish, mostly it found pleasure other peoples pain or confusion.
So, the other thing it did for entertaintment was to copy Wills voice. It had studied him for many many years and learend how to make his voice exatly alike.
The times when it still was bored after blowing bubbles inside Wills brain it had to do something more extreme. (Cause it really hated to be bored) Then it would have fun by saying things to him, that Will himself thought was his own thoughts.
Its really unessesary to tell you that this lead to a lot of strange and also dangerous situations, but I am going to tell it to you anyway

You might think that Will lived all alone there in the forrest, only with his unknown fish"friend" as secret company, but this was not the fact.
Will had one friend living in a treehous very close to his own. This was a little girl named Umbrella.
He real name was actually not Umbrella, but she had made it up because her birthname was so boring. (No, I am not going to tell you her birthname. Maybe you know her and will try to find her in the forrest, and I dont think she would like that. But you can try to guess it if you want to)
The only thing Umbrella had taken with her from her old life in the city was a purple tophat that she gotten from her grandfather before she was born
to be continued

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Bounce bounce

Isnt this a lovely day?
And it just gets lovelier and lovelier
Its nearly jzgjccnjsntuhjwngjhesuish!!!!
You can sit down and say to yourself "The world sucks"
Or you can say "The world is scary, and creepy, and
beautiful and thats what makes it so bloody amazing"Which world woud you prefer to live in?

*Bounce bounce bounce bounce*
I am sooooooooooo snuggly-sick
Gooooooooooooooootta have snuggels

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Dreamer of eternal dreams

Why am I such a "Don Quixote"
Again and again charging against windmills?
What is this rush for adventure?
And the blood that never stops to long for passion?
This mouth that wants to eat it all
- even the pain, the anger, give me all!
The soul related to the wind
- unable to get rest
And this childlike spirit of mine
Fearing to grow up
- fearing to loose this passion for life with it

I want!
I long!
I wish!
I yearn!
I strech my arms so deeply up into...
I dont know what
For an answer
Without a question
An for peace
With thundering waves

My soul cries out
Asking for

Friday, February 17, 2006

Surprise for me, yay!

Caru sent me a package....Like a "little too late, but still birthday and St Valentine present"-pack
Sooo sweet...
And I see that he has read my test carefully - cause it was Vanilla fudge in it
That was surprisingly funny and cute
I love stuff like that
Thank you dear

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

I am closing my eyes - in my mind I am resting under this beautiful Angel oak.
I have made a decition, one I should have taken long ago.
I feel in peace with myself.
The leaves are caressed by the wind.
I smell the grass and the soft smell of forrest.
I am happy and sad at the same time.
"Goodbye" I whisper into the soft wind

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

"Fairy tales make rivers run with wine only to make us remember, for one wild moment, that they run with water."
-G.K. Chesterton

But maybe they dont just run with water
Mabe they run with wine after all
and those are the moments we se it clarely

Have you ever had a moment when everything felt in place?
Like life had a purpose and you felt like one with all
and totally in peace?
Where the world was beautiful as it is
and you loved all in it and around you and yourself?

The restless wind

What is this restless wind inside me that doesnt want to settle down?
What is this urge that never wants to stay just alwasy wants to move on
and on, and on, and on
To the next thrill
The next experience
The next strong feeling
All my life this was good, it was fun, it made me happy . I felt it was my purpose, my meening. I found fullfilment in enjoying and that was all that was needed.

Suddenly its not enough anymore
I feel trapped in it
Now I want to stay, I want to make something of my life, commit to something, have a ground to stand on! I have never even wanted this before! EVER! No strings should tie me down!
But I cant stay! I really cant! Everything in my says, leave for an other place now, go on, find something new. GO!
But I am so tired. Tired of the running. I want to stay
But I CANT!!!! I feel like I am dieing if I stay. Seriously, its lke dieing. Its like getting a little drop of poinson every day to stay in the same place!
I want to go and I want to stay!
I am trapping myself!!!
Oh, it is St Valentines day today, isnt it?
Happy valentine everybody!


I was born 10.02.1978

10+2+1+9+7+8 equals 10

I just turned 28
2+8 equals 10

I was born 10 : 19 am
1+9 equals 10

Monday, February 13, 2006

An outburst of rage

Whats up with the world these days???
Wheres the genuinness? Wheres the knights of truth? Before there were a lot of barbarions, but at least honor and truth had a high place!
And whats up with the men? I am so damned tired of this indesicivness? Of passivity and hiding!
If I meet up with a guy he asks me ..."what do I want to do", because "it doesnt matter to him at all" and "I could just take him to a place I like".
Where is the spine guys? Do you think I will get mad if you show some personality? If you show that you want something?
Do you want me to be your girlfriend and your mommy? Somebody there for you to not take responsability in your life? Be a baby again?
Grow up Goddamit, I am not going to be that one. Show me a guy that can stand up for himself and his opinions no matter what it takes!

And whats with the shallow comments? Do you think a pretty face takes you anywhere at all? Do you really think it makes a difference? Is so sad looking at the people bowing for beaty.
This is what animals do, showing of their pretty, shiny featers.
But I am not here to talk shit about animals, we have a lot to learn from them in many ways

But this spinelesness....I mean, like this guy I got to know here in Barcelona.
I was in his place and saw he had this little thing with a marijuana-leaf carved on it, so I asked him if he smoked. He instantly replied no. A few months lafter he told me that he actually did, after he had learned that so did I. And he said he had said no before because he didnt know what I liked and preferd at that time before.

I mean, seriously people? Arent you tired of hiding? Pretending to be what the others want you to be? Do you think I am looking for people to get to know that are exactly like myself? What kinda narsisist would do that?
This spinlessness makes me sick, Theres a lot of weaknessess that I can approve of and even think is good to feel, but this kind, I cant. Its so small and petty.
Hiding yourself because you think somebody else will not like you. Pretending to be like them. Do you think they like you then? They just like the one you are playing thats all.

And do you really think everybody must like you? Is it such a scary feeling that somebody might not?
Petty, petty, petty!
If you feel soemthing, why not tell it? What is so bad with honesty?

Why are you peopel like this? It make me not want to be human.It makes me want to go to some other planet where people dare to be themself without compromises.
Damn you!!!!
I know I am silly to cast the first stone, silly and stupid. But right now I just want to be. And I dont want to understand why people are such cowards, as I see them right now
I am just mad and I had enough of it!!!!

Flying and such

One thing I can say is that I HATE flyig
I am not talking about flying with your own wings now, or any sort of realated flying, like daydreaming and such, whish I seem to be very prone to
I am speaking about aeroplanes
And especilally when its bad weather and the lights flicker or the plain starts to jump a lot
I seriously think a lot about death in aeroplnes

And not just that ...
- the air is awefull, the smell is horrid, the food tatse like carboard, and you are crammed up in your seat barely able to move
The feeling of bein trapped inside this little thing - you cannot go anywhere!

For me, Dantes hell would be summer-holiday compared to aeroplanes
My worst nigtmare would be to be stuck in a plain for more than a week. If they had me there longer than that I would slowly start to go insaine.
Its strange how you can love some forms of transportation and really loathe others

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Sometimes we get so caught up in our own illusions that we really cant see at all
I think even some people live entire lives like that
Its a scary tought!
Just a PS to my last post:

I was in the perfumery today
Guess what the woman behind the counter gave me

No, not a samlpe of perfume,
Not a samle of makeup

She gave me an antiwrinkle-cream sample



Friday the 10 of February this ye old girl turn 28
Oh, my- time passes waaaay to fast
Is it now I have to start popping out babies, houses, golden retrievers,
common bliss and husbands and stuff?
Or, is that when I turn thirty maybe, ha ha

No, seriously, time passes to quickly
I will soon be dead if it keeps up this speed
Better hurry up and have fun before that happens

I am going to Malaga as a long weekend-trip, so
I might very well die in a plain-crash
If I do, do read this post in my funeral, it will seem very funny and sadly ironic

What can I say.
I am speachless
and I have a new religion!

Monday, February 06, 2006

I just really liked this

no growt without assistance
no action without reaction
no desire without restraint
give yourself up and find yourself again

Tagible things have no permanence
there is nothing we can hold onto in this world
let go and posess what is real

Thursday, February 02, 2006

I feel good
I am not sure what to say
I would like to blog...........
But I have nothing to say today
Only that I feel good
Things suddenly feel right and in place
And I am back to being the real bumblebee I am

The high flyer

This is taken from the book "The wounded woman" by Linda Scierse Leonard

The one who flies high is an other puella/ puer* pattren. This person lives by impulse, is free as the wind is exuberant. She/he seems to be spontaneous and free, leading a wild and exciting life, going with the whim of the moment and with whatever is happening. Soaring away, she/he lives in the realm of possabilities. The lifestyle tends to be ethereal as well, magically appearing and disapearing, like a cloud that forms for a moment and disapears.

Timeless and "spacy" this puella/puer usually has a poor relationship to boundries, to limits, to the practical order, to the corporal realm, and to time. Her/his life is largely undirected and open to the syncronious. Such persons are often intuitive, with artistic or mystical tendencies, living easily in imagination and close to the unconscious and archetypal realms.
They share this in common with the shy and fragile puellas/puers, but unlike the shy ones they are not fearful and retiering, nor are they hidden from the world. Rather, they are up there adventourously floating along in rarefied air, often seeking the thrills of danger.

Anais Nin, herself a puers* daughter, has described beautifully this type of excistence in her novel "A spy in the house of love". As the title implies, the main character, Sabina, lives the life of a spy. Uncommited and deceitful in relationships, she must live like a a spy to be free to move on at any time and is constantly on guard against revealing herself and thus exposing her various deceptions. Like a kaleidoscope, she changes personalities and stories with the rapidity of one obsessed.
Sabina cannot bear the exigencies of ordinary, daily life and rebels against them. Life´s limitatins and resting points are to Sabina like a prison. Boundaries, identifications, houses, any sort of commitment - all these she feels mold her into a static place without any hope of change. She describes herself: "I want the impossible, I want to fly all the time, I destroy ordinary life, I run towards all the danger of love..."

The moon and not the sun is Sabina´s special lighting source and her special planet. The night world and the unconscious are her domain. At sixteen she took moonbaths because everyone else too sunbaths and because she had heard they were dangerous. Like the moon, which keeps half of itself in darkness, so does she, living many mysterious lives and loves and eluding clocktime by her dream-like extension into the infinite. Activated by the moonrays, Sabina imagines she knows the moonlife which is "homless, childless, free lovers." It is to this ideal that she is drawn.
Sabina realizes that it is her father is "walking within her, directing her steps" in the feminine form of his Don Juan existence.

She questions herself:
"Was it Sabina now rushing into her own rituals of pleasure, or was it her father within her, his blood guiding her into amourousness, dictating her intrigues, he who was inexorably woven with her by threads of inheritance she could never seperate again to know which one was Sabina, which one her father whose role she had assumed by alchemy of mimetic love. Where was Sabina?"
This question "Where is Sabina?" obtrudes more and more into her consciousness. Guilt, shame and anxiety are not so different from those of an addict or a gambler; i.e.; the same compulsion and irresistible impulse and then the same depression, and guilt which follow and then once more the compulsion.
Sabina´s addiction is love, but the need effect is the same. She feels the dispersion, the desperation, the weakness at the center. She looks at the sky arched overhead and realizes that for her it offers no cathedral protection, only a "limitless vatsness to which she could not cling" Sabina weeps and asks to be held so she will not continue to race from the one love to another, so she will not continue to be dispersed and disrupted.

In desperation during the deep of night, she makses an anonymous call to a stranger, seeking help. The man who answers is a lie detector, symbolizing Sabina´s inner possability to detect her own self-deception and achieve a higher level of consciousness and responsability. The lie detector confronts her, asking her what she wants to confess and telling her that she is probably her own most severe judge. Sabina asks the lie detector to set her free from the guilt she suffers, a guilt and imprisonment which is paradoxically born of the limitless freedom she has sought. But he tells her that only she can set herself free and that will only come when she is able to love. When she tries to justify that she has loved by mentioning her many lovers, he points out that she was only in love with her projections, e.g., the crusaders who faught her battles, the handsome Don Juan princes, the judges continuing her parents´ role. Rather than relating to them as individuals and seeing them as they were in reality, she dressed them in costumes of the various myths she wanted to live out, who she wanted to see.

For Sabina the change can come only with the tears of acknowligment for her deception of her self and others. Up to now she has been trying to elude her guilt and find self-justification for her lack of commitment and recognition of limitations. To recognize that continuety exists in the tension between movement and permanence is something she needs to learn.

The difficulty for this type of puella is that she tries to live totally in possability and ignores the limitations and realities of others and herself. But what she needs to do is accept the boundries and commit herself to something. Accepting the paradox of finitude and possability is her way of resolution.

*different patterns of dealing with pain by women/ men, resulting in a sertain way of behavour.