Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Reality, balance - a random stream of thoughts

The ocean, rolling in a steady, salty beat, a tree, its soft lullaby of leaves, carrying me in its branches, the feeling of just being. The moment where suddenly everything meets. Nothing is different, yet everything is. You stand still in life, you just are, exsist. But its not a "just". This pure exisitence is more, it is a moment that seems like a lifetime. A moment where you find a total peace, an end to the restless search that always pushes you on.
This search that I both love and hate at the same time. That makes me explore, discover, learn and live, but that also makes me homless, left without roots, a home or a harbour.
But in this split second everything seems to make sense, everything is clear and simple.
It is the moment your soul rests with everything around you.
This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever experinced.

The direct opposite are the moments of enless questions.
When the world is to close to me, when the meaningless words that sourrounds me everytwhere, sting me profoundly.
When the ugliness of unseeing eyes makes me want to escape, somewhere, away, from all this fragility of the flesh.
Away from our patterns of behavior that is so easy seen through. And that look so utterly pittiful when you do.
Away from the predictable ways of thinking, from settlement into habit,
and the souls afraid of dieing, that never learns to live.
Away from the illusions we create in the name of love, truth and society, from the lies we take as our lives, and the patterns we build as our personalities and so steadily believe in.

Did you know that it is possible for a szicofrenic with a split personality to have one personality with remarkable physical differences to the others? I have read about a case where a woman had 12 different personalities and ONE of them had cancer.
So what is consciousness? What is your reality? Your truth?
Do you know who you are?
Do you?
Or do you just think so?

This world scares me and amazes me at the same time,
All this life swarming around me, everywhere, knitted together with so much death.
It is beautifully morbid.
And as far as I know, I never even asked for it. That's the paradox of it all. I never recall asking for this.
I am just here, and now I am forced to question my own existence, and not just mine, but everything.

What is this we call reality?
The Buddhists claim that there is a veil of illusion in front of our eyes, and to see behind it is pain. So, we illusion ourselves. Or if we dont, our lives will be suffering and knowledge.
The Taoist claim that knowledge is pain and a step away from life, and that the natural, unforzed stream of life is the key to true happyness. "There is no road to happyness, happyness is the road."

I often feel both these views so close on my body. In the times where I see the clearest, it is like I get separated from the rest of the world. I have never felt more alone than in the moments where I feel a breakthrough where I can see deeper.
And I have never felt closer to life, love, everything, like in the moments where I just let go and am totally in the present.
But maybe I never can escape the rise and fall of these two extremes.
Nature strives for balance in this world, and evidently so do we.

These where just some thoughts on a rainy day that I felt like sharing.


Thursday, November 25, 2010

Social sexuality

Based on erroneous theories about embryonic hermaphroditism, Freud proposed that all human beings were born with an unconscious bisexual disposition. Through the course of normal childhood development, individuals repressed their "homosexual side," thereby assuming a heterosexual identity and achieving psychological "maturity." Thus, while Freud recognized the potential to be attracted to both women and men, he maintained that actually being bisexual was a neurosis.

Freud influenced popular understandings of bisexuality for much of the first half of the twentieth century, but his was not the only voice on the topic. Freud's associate Wilhelm Stekel agreed that everyone had an innate bisexual predisposition. However, diverging from his mentor, Stekel contended that this initial bisexual potential led naturally to having relationships with women and men. He felt that both homosexuality and heterosexuality were symptoms of a neurosis, since being exclusively attracted to one sex required sublimating a basic part of oneself. "There are no monosexual persons!," he emphatically argued.

The KSOG measures sexual attraction, sexual behavior, sexual fantasies, emotional preference, social preference, heterosexual/homosexual lifestyle, and self-identification. Individuals rate themselves on each variable for their past, present, and ideal futures using the Kinsey scale, resulting in a twenty-one category profile of sexual orientation.

The Klein grid has been popular among bisexual activists, as well as sex educators and therapists, because it recognizes the complexity of sexuality, including the fact that aspects of sexual orientation can change over time and that sexual self-identification is not necessarily reflected in current sexual experience.

Despite the attention given to bisexuality in the work of Freud, Stekel, and a number of other psychoanalysts, scientific research on sexuality largely ignored the issue. Historically, most researchers failed to consider bisexuality a specific sexual identity. They combined the responses of individuals who expressed a desire for both women and men with the data from those who were exclusively attracted to others of the same sex or excluded bisexuals from their studies altogether.

The research of Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues in the late 1940s and early 1950s was groundbreaking for its recognition of the inadequacy of reducing the diversity of human sexual experience to a heterosexual/homosexual binary.

Finding that 28% of women and 46% of men had responded erotically or were sexually active with both women and men, Kinsey's studies awakened other researchers and the American public to the prevalence of bisexuality and challenged the distinction psychoanalysts made between the normal and the pathological.

Kinsey, however, was reluctant to use the word "bisexuality" to describe this behavior because of the term's historical usage to refer to the physical or psychological combination of the feminine and masculine. But as a result of Kinsey's research, the earlier senses of bisexuality were largely displaced by the modern meaning of being attracted to both women and men.

Some scholars have since challenged Kinsey's methodology and data (while he interviewed more than 11,000 women and men, he limited his samples to caucasian). But his conception of human sexual behavior as a continuum from heterosexuality to homosexuality, rather than a dichotomy--what has become known as the Kinsey scale--has had a lasting influence on how sexuality is perceived.

Building on Kinsey's attempt to qualify sexual experience, other researchers have devised instruments for assessing sexual orientation that rely on multiple factors. The best known of these scientific tools, the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid (KSOG), was developed by psychiatrist Fritz Klein in 1978.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

The World Spins

I LOVE the soundtrack from Twin Peaks. The music is composed by the genius Angelo Badalamenti. Many of the songs, sung by Angel voice, Julee Cruise.
It is a mix of darkness, sensuality, innocence and light, that to me is just pure maigic. And after having heard the story behind the music, and the genuinity is was preformed with, it just touches me even deeper. Julee Cruise confessed that she sometimes might sing slightly off key, basically because she was so moved and touched by the music that she was close to bursting out in tears while singing.
Here is one of the songs. Enjoy! :-)

Thursday, November 18, 2010


- A repost from 2007

I started to think about my last post a lot.
I have always been in the opinion that an emptiness inside comes from not loving oneself completely and that the only solution is acceptance and love towards oneself. (it cannot be filled up from the outside)
I am still in that opinion but I think I forgot some very simple things in that conclution.
(I know this is also me starting to (over-) analyze things again, but I have been in that habit for more that over 15 years so what can I say, ha ha)
I forgot the simple fact that we are social creatures who I think have are naturally drawn to love, both the need for expressing and wanting love back.
(So a longing for something and an emptiness does not necessarily come from deeper wounds, but also from a natural drive in the human mind that is going unfulfilled.)

But since the society we have built up have lured us into so many traps we forget the simple gift of love in its pure form.
We see movie love and happy ever after love. Money love and love for things. We are chasing substitutions for love because we have not been taught have to go for the real thing, or maybe we are just to scared.
We go for an eternal chase for what we think are happiness and love and forget that it is right at the spot where we are.
Happiness is not in the end of the road it is the journey itself.

That's why its so common to some day wake up with a big questionmark and feel that a lot of ones lives have been wasted, I think... Or going around with an empty feeling inside, longing for something that one just doesn't quite know what is.
Cause we are always chasing something in the far distance when our treasures is to be found in the very moment we are right now.

It seems we humans come back to this again and again. We can fill our lives up with distractions that will keep us from feeling the emptiness a life without a centered and loving self brings.
We can have jobs, goals, lovers, money, things, activities, excitement and thrills, but when all these areas are "used up" we are back to where we started or what we fled from. The emptiness that we ran from will not go away just because we run.

Also we have all these things in our society today that contributes to making this void larger. All the propaganda and brainwash that damages us daily. Its so sad how we have built up our lives.
We are trapped in living-ways maybe 70% of us don't want and long out of.
What have we done with nature and our connection to it?
Just the simple way of being in the moment and enjoying life for what it is.
Loving, freedom , connections to others and to nature
........Just being.
We are forced into roles and lives we choose only 50% (no less than 50%) ourselves and the brainwash in being convinced that we choose it 100%. (Do you really think you choose it yourself?)
This is the cruel rule of survival today.
In our lives, when we are born, we are given an ocean of freedom.
In our society today and out of what we have created we have freedom too, more freedom than ever in history........
but yet so little - compared to what life gave us from birth.
We forget true freedom, believing we have to live like we do, and we forget the pure selfless love.

I want to put a Shakespeare sonnet here that I have posted in my blog before.
I think it is beautiful because it shows a different side of love that we are not used to think about these days. The love that is selfless and doesn't change because of outer happenings.
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixèd mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
To me love is somethingn selfless that wants the best and that is truly open.
I am not a Christiann, but I think in the teachings of Jesus there is a lot to be learned that we should try to remind ourselves in these times we have now. (And then don'tnt mean Christianity and what it has been made into through the years. I mean the teachings and words claimed to be of Jesus)
We se terrorism and cruelty striking upon innocents. And we see the victims of these terrorist acts reacting to this cruelty with revenge and behaving just like terrorists themselves.
We see nations that still have death-penalty, which is just an other form of revenge and murder, only in that setting the state is the assassin.

I only whish that some day we all humans will learn to love selfless and reach out for those who need it. That we will see beyond just our own horizon and understand how much this also wil benefit ourselves and how much we actually need it too.
Selfless love gives back to you 10 fold. Selfless love brings us out of the emptiness...
Just because of the simple fact that you become a part of love and in loves nature. And because love makes more love to grow in its path.
(Now I am not talking about the "love" that wants, but the love that is without desire of wanting or earning a gain)

With selfless love you make the world go one step forward and the human you touch with it, will reach out to receive this gift and give it on even further.
That is how love in its pure form works, and its just as "easy" as to open up your heart.
Both love and hate spreads with a huge speed and blossoms when we send it out.
(being in the danger of sounding like a silly beauty-queen with her final appeal in front of the judges here : )
It is our choice if we want to make this world a little better or a little worse.
If we want to take it a step forward or a step back.

I want to use an old hippi-clicheee as I am a true hippie of heart:

The only certain is uncertainty

The only constant is change