Reality, balance - a random stream of thoughts

The ocean, rolling in a steady, salty beat, a tree, its soft lullaby of leaves, carrying me in its branches, the feeling of just being. The moment where suddenly everything meets. Nothing is different, yet everything is. You stand still in life, you just are, exsist. But its not a "just". This pure exisitence is more, it is a moment that seems like a lifetime. A moment where you find a total peace, an end to the restless search that always pushes you on.
This search that I both love and hate at the same time. That makes me explore, discover, learn and live, but that also makes me homless, left without roots, a home or a harbour.
But in this split second everything seems to make sense, everything is clear and simple.
It is the moment your soul rests with everything around you.
This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever experinced.

The direct opposite are the moments of enless questions.
When the world is to close to me, when the meaningless words that sourrounds me everytwhere, sting me profoundly.
When the ugliness of unseeing eyes makes me want to escape, somewhere, away, from all this fragility of the flesh.
Away from our patterns of behavior that is so easy seen through. And that look so utterly pittiful when you do.
Away from the predictable ways of thinking, from settlement into habit,
and the souls afraid of dieing, that never learns to live.
Away from the illusions we create in the name of love, truth and society, from the lies we take as our lives, and the patterns we build as our personalities and so steadily believe in.

Did you know that it is possible for a szicofrenic with a split personality to have one personality with remarkable physical differences to the others? I have read about a case where a woman had 12 different personalities and ONE of them had cancer.
So what is consciousness? What is your reality? Your truth?
Do you know who you are?
Do you?
Or do you just think so?

This world scares me and amazes me at the same time,
All this life swarming around me, everywhere, knitted together with so much death.
It is beautifully morbid.
And as far as I know, I never even asked for it. That's the paradox of it all. I never recall asking for this.
I am just here, and now I am forced to question my own existence, and not just mine, but everything.

What is this we call reality?
The Buddhists claim that there is a veil of illusion in front of our eyes, and to see behind it is pain. So, we illusion ourselves. Or if we dont, our lives will be suffering and knowledge.
The Taoist claim that knowledge is pain and a step away from life, and that the natural, unforzed stream of life is the key to true happyness. "There is no road to happyness, happyness is the road."

I often feel both these views so close on my body. In the times where I see the clearest, it is like I get separated from the rest of the world. I have never felt more alone than in the moments where I feel a breakthrough where I can see deeper.
And I have never felt closer to life, love, everything, like in the moments where I just let go and am totally in the present.
But maybe I never can escape the rise and fall of these two extremes.
Nature strives for balance in this world, and evidently so do we.

These where just some thoughts on a rainy day that I felt like sharing.

**Aasa**