Sunday, December 23, 2012
The story claims that he had a dream about this palace as a child
and therefore built it after this memory of the dream.This story nearly makes me want to cry.
Thanks to Mogens for the tip about the story~ Aasa
Palais idéal was built by a man called Ferdinand Cheval
Cheval began the building in April 1879. He started it by collecting stones.
For the 33 years, during his daily mail route, Cheval carried stones from his delivery rounds and at home used them to build his Palais idéal, the Ideal Palace. First he carried the stones in his pockets, then a basket and eventually a wheelbarrow. He often worked at night in the light of an oil lamp.
Cheval spent the first two decades building the outer walls. The Palace is a mix of different styles with inspirations from the Bible to Hindu mythology. Cheval bricked the stones together with wire, lime and cement.
Cheval also wanted to be buried in his palace. When French authorities forbade that, he proceeded to spend eight years building a mausoleum for himself in the cemetery of Hauterives. Cheval died around a year after he had finished building it.
Saturday, October 06, 2012
This society is so loveless, so drained for emotion and affection., Its a lot easier to be skeptic, to be ironic or judgmental. Its a lot easier to not say Hi to your neighbor, or to not openly tell people what you really feel, at least not before they do. We need to have our egos secure first. Not to be hurt or vounded. It can seem that the imageothers have of us is more important to us. We cannot seem like the weak or rejected one. That the fear of hurt is worse than not sharing, we cannot take the risk and be let down.
Does somebody really need to deserve love? Is it just of us to set a standard for who we can and cant love? The one who makes me feel exactly like this and this, I can love. The one that doesn't like me I don't like back. Are we just footballs for emotions? Getting kicked in the direction the foot leads it? Did Jesus have a point saying we should turn the other cheek?
Isn't love just something to share? Why do we build up these walls?In these western societies people live alone next to each other. We are lonely in a crowd of longing people. Fear is created. One person is afraid to give, because of old vounds, and then this person gets back what he sends out. Rejection creates rejection. We flip flop back and forth what we deeply do not want, in the fear that we will get just that. So instead of taking a risk we walk alone with our tiny group of selected people. And do we give our love truly to them? Or do we set conditions for it there as well?
Do you know somebody you care for that maybe needs to hear it?
Do you know somebody that is lonely?
Maybe you can be an exception to all this!?
~ Choose love!
From the book The PROPHET, by Kahlil Gibran:
Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Ikke glem gnisten i din sjel
det som bobler og klukker i deg
som en varm en bekk en sommerkveld
under lövkroner og blöt siriss sang
Ikke glem trangen til å leve
det röde blodet som presser seg gjennom deg
og lar deg kjenne livets sitrende hud
som kler deg med en sötlig smerte
Ikke glem underet ved det å väre
som barndommens skattekammer
fyllt med hösten gule blader og dalende snökrystaller
som dekker deg med stille smil
Ikke glem magien som kan brenne i deg
med urolig dunkende hjerte over uutforskede stier
Våkn opp! Riv deg lös! Skrik ut!
Ikke glem! Ikke sov! Ikke tål livet - men lev det!
Ikke glem å traske gjennom duggvått gress under stjerneklare vårnetter
eller å kjenne din kjäres kyss
som om det var det förste
gang på gang
Are made of two stars that are genuinely
close to each other and bound together
by mutual gravitational attraction.
The two stars orbit around a common center of mass.
For each star, the other is its companion star.
The components of binary star systems
can exchange mass, bringing their
evolution to stages that single stars cannot attain.
Hubble image of the Sirius binary system, in which
Sirius B can be clearly distinguished (lower left).
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.
Sonnet 116Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
~ William Shakespeare
MÅNGA RÔSTER TALAR
- Karin boye
Många röster talar.
Din är som vatten.
Din är som regn,
när det faller genom natten.
Skälver som en grund
bakom alla ljud,
sipprar och silar
mot min hud,
sveper sig lent,
sluter mig inne,
fyller mina öron
med viskande minne.
Jag vill sitta tyst
där jag inte kan störa dig.
Jag vill bo och leva
där jag kan höra dig.
Många röster talar.
Genom dem alla
hör jag bara din
som ett nattregn falla.
He walks in beauty like the nightHe walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meets in his aspect and his eyes;
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which Heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress
Or softly lightens o'er his face,
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek and o'er that brow
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,—
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.
I started to think about solitude. When I peel off every layer in my conciousness, at least as far down as I can manage to go, this is often what I am left with. The stillness, the solitude. It is not a very sad feeling, at least not anymore. It is like I have made some peace with my own solitude. And now, sitting here in the night it is almost beautiful in a way.
The feeling of not belonging anywhere. I wonder what it has its roots in? Is it just a feeling rooted in my psyche that needs inner transformation? Or it is just how it is....On the bottom of us all? A rooted feeling of solitude that we now and then dare to feel....in moments of existential bravery.
I don´t know, I just know the feeling of not fitting in. And going through the different stages of that feeling- from pride, to despair, to resignment. "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." (~Jiddu Krishnamurti).....I guess quotes like this can make you smile a little in it all. Things are not black or white and there are many answers.
I know it would be nice maybe sharing these things with somebody though. I guess this is why I write them in my blog. A way of talking to the nameless people out there that maybe feels the same way. I have tried to talk about things like these with people around me so many times, but find little understanding. Now I talk to my own words and the silent readers of my blog instead.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Gode alternativer til melk, gluten og sukker
med lavkarbo tips
Jeg fikk nylig beskjed om at jeg har forhøyet blodsukker og står i fare for lavt stoffslifte. jeg ebstemte meg da for å lese mye om kosthold og finne naturlige alternativer til et helseproblem legene har svært lite tilfredstillende svar på.
En av de første tingene jeg fant ut var at det er absolutt vitalt å kutte gluten, melk (og melkeprodukter) og sukker fra kosten. Her er noen gode altenativer.
Rangert etter anbefaling
Mandelmelk: et supert alternativ. Mandel er sunt og har en god innvirkning på mye i kroppens system. Eneste er at det er sjeldet å finne i norske butikker og dyrt. noen helskoster fører det. Men den er svært enkel å lage selv. Man kan da også lage kjeks og andre ting av mandelmassen som blir igjen.*
Havremelk: godt og enkelt, men noen kan reagere allerisk. Sjekk om den er glutenfri da ikke alle merker er det.
Kan kjøpes på Rema 1000(rimeligst) Meny og helsekost (dyrest)
Rangert etter glykemisk indeks (effekt på blosukker, satt i parantes)
Nytt liv med endret kosthold
Tidsskriftet Psykisk Helse publiserte nylig et intervju med Tor Nålby, hvor hvor han forteller om sine erfaringer rundt endret kosthold. Virkningene har vært store, og vi blir presentert for en inspirerende artikkel, som gir innblikk i et stadig voksende og aktuelt tema
Jeg har selv startet en gluten, sukker og melkefri diett, og kommer til å dele mer av egne erfaringer etterhvert. Håper dere kan dra nytte av denne artikkelen
Sluttet med melk og mel: – Har blitt roligere og mer sosial– Før var jeg enten veldig intens eller jeg var helt utmattet. I dag har jeg en jevnere energi og har fått en ny ro, forteller Tor Nålby (42). Han er ikke i tvil om at det er endret kosthold som har hjulpet ham til et bedre liv.Tekst Gro Lien Garbo
Foto Sveinung Uddu Ystad
Det lukter asiatisk mat i leiligheten til Tor Nålby i toppetasjen i blokka i Drammen. Han står på det lille kjøkkenet og hakker rutinert vårløk, koriander, thailandsk basilikum og mye annet, som sammen med rent kjøtt er ingrediensene til dagens suppe.
Nålby forteller at da han var på en lengre reise i Thailand og Indonesia for noen år siden, kjente han at han fikk det bedre med seg selv. Fra å være veldig innadvendt åpnet han seg mer og mer opp.
– Det var ikke lenger så vanskelig å snakke med folk. Sjenansen og uroen som ellers preget meg, ble betydelig dempet. Jeg ble tryggere og mer sosial, sier Nålby.
Ikke bare varmen
På reisen spiste han ris, kjøtt, fisk og frukt og grønnsaker, som lokalbefolkningen. Melk og hvetemel var ikke en del av deres diett.
– Men det slo meg ikke da at min bedrede psykiske tilstand hang sammen med maten jeg hadde i meg. Jeg gikk ut ifra at det var varmen som hadde en heldig virkning, sier han.
På stueveggen i den lyse leiligheten hans henger to masker og en svær skulptur fra Indonesia, som han har besøkt flere ganger. Fra vinduene ser vi havna og båter som seiler forbi.
– Det var fint å reise og å være i varmen, men i ettertid har jeg skjønt at det var det endrede kostholdet som gjorde utslaget, sier Nålby, som i dag er med i styret i Proteinintoleranseforeningen.
– Det var en venn av meg som tipset meg om foreningen, fordi han mistenkte at mine psykiske problemer kunne henge sammen med proteinintoleranse. Jeg tok kontakt med foreningen og fikk i tillegg tatt en urintest som påviste en høy opphopning av protein i urinen, sier Nålby.
Det er litt over fem år siden nå, og det førte til at han bestemte seg for å legge om kostholdet og leve på en melkefri og glutenfri diett.
Reagerte på melk
Tor Nålby strekker seg etter en pose med risnudler, som skal med i suppa. Han har en samling kokebøker om grønn mat og melk- og glutenfri mat og er stadig på jakt etter nye oppskrifter og gode alternativer til melk og hvetemel.
– I ettertid har jeg tenkt på at jeg har blitt fortalt at jeg reagerte negativt på melk helt fra jeg var liten. Som spedbarn hadde jeg problemer med å få i meg melk og kastet opp. Jeg har slitt med irriterte slimhinner og luftveisinfeksjoner og hatt mange fysiske plager og både muskelsmerter og anemi. Psykisk har jeg ikke fått noen diagnose, men jeg mener selv jeg har hatt trekk som likner på Asperger syndrom.
–Jeg har hatt problemer med å føle empati og med å få kontakt med andre. Kroppskontakt har vært en utfordring. På det verste slet jeg med sterk depresjon og selvmordstanker. Jeg var også urolig i mitt eget selskap. Det ble uutholdelig å leve, forteller han.
Nålby understreker at et endret kosthold ikke har tatt vekk alle de psykiske utfordringene, men at problemene nå er overkommelige, og at han i dag har et godt liv.
– Kollegene mine synes jeg har blitt lettere å snakke med og at jeg gir av meg selv på en helt annen måte enn før. Nå setter jeg tydeligere grenser for meg selv og for andre, det blir det mindre konflikt av.
– I dag engasjerer jeg meg ikke i alt omkring meg, og kan filtrere bort mer. Jeg har blitt tryggere på meg selv. Jeg kan gjerne stå foran en forsamling og holde foredrag. Det hadde jeg store problemer med for noen år siden, sier Nålby.
Tidligere på dagen har han vært ute på en kort skitur for å røre litt på seg og nyte vinteren. Nålby forteller at det er en ny opplevelse og at han for noen år siden kunne gå og gå i timevis, uten egentlig å få med seg noe av naturen, lyset eller det som skjedde rundt ham.
– Jeg gikk for å kvitte meg med den indre uroen. Det var det eneste målet med å røre på seg, sier han, og legger til at veien fram til den roen han har funnet i dag, har vært vanskelig.
– Det verste var de første månedene da jeg gikk over til fullstendig melke- og glutenfri diett.
–Jeg hadde abstinenser. Kroppen ropte etter melk og hvetemel. Psykisk var jeg veldig gira, enten helt oppe eller helt nede. Jeg var vanskelig å få kontakt med. Det var nok derfor betjeningen i butikkene holdt øye med meg, slik de gjorde på den tiden.
Jeg minnet om en stoffmisbruker. Men min avhengighet dreide seg om melk og mel. Jeg kunne ligge i sengen uten å klare å slappe av. Jeg var anspent i hele kroppen, forteller han.
Etter noen måneder roet kroppen seg mer ned, men Nålby var lenge nedtrykt.
– Jeg hadde vært vant til å leve som en person som enten var påskrudd eller avskrudd. Nå skulle jeg venne meg til et mer jevnt humør. Det var ikke gjort over natten.
Var aldri mett
Mens han har fortalt, har han gjort suppen ferdig. Den smaker nydelig. Hvis vi har tid, vil han gjerne lage en sjokolademousse av avokado og mørke kakaobønner. Den skal være fantastisk god.
Tor Nålby samler på oppskrifter og lager gjerne store porsjoner så han har flere dager av gangen. Og det er ikke bare asiatisk mat, også lapskaus, ertesuppe eller rødbetsuppe, eller han steker opp noen skiver laks.
– Før jeg la om kosten, var jeg aldri mett. Det var som om jeg måtte fylle et sluk. Nå er ikke sultfølelsen den samme. Det hender at jeg må minne meg selv om at det er på tide å spise, sier Nålby, som også har kuttet kraftig ned på sukker og karbohydrater. Han mener at kroppen ikke har godt av det.
– Tidligere var jeg fullstendig utmattet etter jobb og sank bare sammen i en stol. I dag har jeg en jevn energi både om morgenen, om formiddagen og om kvelden.
Det siste året har han brukt mye krefter på å pusse opp leiligheten, både stuen og kjøkkenet.
– Før hadde jeg en vegg i stuen som var gul og en som var rød. Etter at jeg malte alt hvitt, satt jeg meg ned og pustet ut. Det er godt når alt ikke er så ekstremt, sier han og sukker:
– Jeg skulle ønske at jeg hadde lagt om kostholdet mye tidligere. Da hadde jeg vært spart for mange vanskelige år.
Opprettet: 19.04.2011 09:48:14
Sist endret: 19.04.2011 10:52:04
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to
watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly
know everything there is to be known.
"How do you do Nothing?" asked Pooh.
"Well, it's when people call out at you just as you're going off to do it
What are you going to do, Christopher Robin?' and you say,
`Oh, nothing' and then you go and do it. It means just going along,
listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering."
"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."Piglet
"And he has Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."
"The atmospheric conditions have been very unfavourable lately," said Owl.
"It has been raining," explained Owl.
"Yes," said Christopher Robin. "It has."
"The flood-level has reached an unprecedented height."
"There's a lot of water about," explained Owl
Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you.
And all you can do is to go where they can find you.
Lots of people talk to animals. Not that many listen though. That's the problem.
They're funny things, accidents. You never have them till you're having them.
Before beginning a Hunt, it is wise to ask someone what you are
looking for before you begin looking for it.
Rivers know this: There is no hurry. We shall get there one day.
"It's a funny thing about Tiggers," whispered Tigger to Roo,
"how Tiggers never get lost."
"Why don't they, Tigger?"
"They just don't," explained Tigger. "That's how it is."
"I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit.
"No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be
when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way."
“Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing,
of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear.”
- Winnie the pooh
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Today I just woke up, and went out to see how the weather was. It wasn't sunny at all, it was actually grey and raining. But after standing outside for a while, I could hear the birds chirping in the trees and fluttering around the house. I was surprised to see how this moved me, so much that I started to cry a bit. I had no idea how I have been longing for spring. And just this little preview of it made my eyes water with emotion.
"Even if blame seems more than justified, as long as you blame others, you keep feeding your pain and get trapped in your own ego. There is only one perpatrator of evil on the planet - human unconsciousness. That realisation is true forgivness. With forgiveness your victim identity dissolves, and your true power emerges - the power of Presence. Instead of blaming the darkness, you bring in the light."
- Echart Tolle
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Love addiction and love avoidance
- the dance of the vounded souls
Content of artickle:
-What is Love Addiction?
-Am I a Love Addict?
-What Does the Love Addiction Relational Cycle Look Like?
-Am I a Love Avoidant?
-What Does the Love Avoidance Relational Cycle Look Like?
What is Love Addiction?
Love addicts have unmet emotional needs that they seek to fulfill with either romance or relationships. Love addicts tend to form relationships with individuals who are love avoidant. Love avoidants gain a sense of relationship control by avoiding intimacy and withholding love. Together, love avoidants and love addicts engage in a dysfunctional relationship pattern that is often called the 'distancer-pursuer' relationship. Because the love addict's primary emotional fear is of abandonment, she or he is typically the pursuer in an established relationship. The love avoidant, whose primary fear is of intimacy, responds by distancing.
Both love addicts and love avoidants also have secondary fears (the love addict's secondary fear is of intimacy; the love avoidant's secondary fear is of abandonment), which fuel temporary periods of role reversal in the distancer-pursuer pattern when those secondary fears are triggered. However, regardless of who is the distancer and who is the pursuer at any given time, the pattern in the relationship remains the same.
Am I a Love Addict?
This questionnaire is based on the work of Pia Mellody. If you can answer yes to more than a few of the following questions, love addiction may be a problem for you.
- Your partner seemed too good or perfect to be true when you first met.
- He or she seemed like the person you had always dreamed of.
- Your partner seemed unusually charming and thoughtful when you first met, almost as if he or she could read your mind.
- Within days of meeting your partner you felt like the two of you had been spiritually connected for years.
- You were convinced you and your new partner were 'soul mates.'?
- Your partner's interests and hobbies seem more important to him or her than you are.
- You've started cutting activities and people out of your life because you don't want to make your partner jealous.
- You have been so obsessed with another person before that you gave up everything (e.g., job, friends, family, etc.) to be with that person.
- You have put your partner on a pedestal before.
- Your partner went from being romantic to cold and distant.
- You have said to friends before, 'He/She was so charming and thoughtful in the beginning; I don't understand why he/she changed'?
- You have tried unsuccessfully to be romantic and make things like they were in the beginning.
- Your partner seems to spend less and less time with you.
- You have been with a partner who was verbally or physically abusive.
- You have blamed yourself or made excuses for your partner's abuse.
- After long periods of unhappiness and progressively worse abuse, you still hang onto the belief that one day things will change.
- You believe if you just hang in there long enough, you can love your partner into being who he or she really is.
- You have been asked by a family member or close friend why you stay.
- You feel abandoned when a relationship breaks up, even if you were the one who ended the relationship.
- You have been in so much pain after an unhappy, troubled relationship has ended that you go back when your partner promises to change.
- After a relationship has ended, your feelings of abandonment, pain, and fear seem so severe that you think you might die.
- When you were a child, you often felt as though you were invisible.
- A parent or major caregiver died, moved away or got divorced when you were a child.
- As a child, you thought your parents or major caregivers didn't really know what was happening to you or what was going on inside of you.
- You feel like your father neglected and/or abandoned you during your childhood.
- You feel like your mother neglected and/or abandoned you during your childhood.
You can learn more about different types of love addiction from Love Addicts Anonymous.
What Does the Love Addiction Relational Cycle Look Like?
- Is attracted to a person who is walled in and appears powerful.
- Creates a fantasy about the other person as the relationship begins. The fantasy leads to feelings of euphoria for the love addict, who then becomes obsessed with the partner.
- Uses denial to protect the fantasy. This allows the love addict to ignore the avoidant's walls and the distance in the relationship.
- Some event occurs that bursts the denial and results in the love addict going into emotional withdrawal from the fantasy.
- Uses strategies to either return to the fantasy, medicates the emotional distress and/or becomes obsessed with revenge.
- Returns to the fantasy or finds a replacement partner and creates a new fantasy.
What is Love Avoidance?
Love avoidance is the systematic putting up of walls in a relationship to prevent feeling emotionally overwhelmed by another person. Consequently, it prevents true intimacy. It can be described as a form of emotional anorexia. The love avoidant perceives love as being an obligation or duty, so relationships are experienced as an emotional drain. The love avoidant tends to become involved with love addicts, and puts up walls to decrease the intensity within the relationship. However, the more the avoidant distances, the more the love addict pursues. The avoidant often responds by a pattern of deprivation within the primary relationship, while acting in ways that create intensity outside of that relationship (e.g., work, pursuing other relationships or sexual encounters, addictions, etc.). At the more extreme range of love avoidance, the love avoidant may also be intimacy anorexic.
Am I a Love Avoidant?
- You think taking care of your partner is sufficient proof that you love him or her.
- You find yourself often critical of your partner.
- You believe it is your duty to take care of your partner.
- You have a secret life away from your partner.
- You keep important information about your thoughts or feelings from your partner.
- You withhold information about yourself (at work or play) so that your partner will not get upset.
- You find yourself needing to manage and be in control of the relationship.
- You have frequently done things for your partner and then later had the sense that no matter what you did it was never enough for your partner.
- You feel frustrated because your partner doesn't understand that you've spent time with him or her and now you need time for yourself.
- You feel smothered by your partner when he or she wants to have you around so much.
- Your partner complains that he or she doesn't really know you.
- You find yourself overly critical of your partner.
- You withhold praise or appreciation from your partner.
- You feel resentful of your partner's neediness.
- You have had one or more relationships in which you felt smothered and needed to escape.
- You find yourself needing to control your partner because you know better what should and shouldn't be done.
- You control your primary relationship by silence and anger.
- When you're with your partner you feel like you're not getting your needs met.
- You feel your partner doesn't appreciate all that you do for him or her.
- You frequently feel the need to escape the relationship.
- You often feel the need to go some place where you can get attention without always having to assure the other person that you love them.
- You are spending more time at work in order to be away from you partner.
- You stay so busy that you have little to no relational time for your partner.
- You feel a sense of relief when you leave the house.
- Your drinking, drug use, or other addictive behaviors increase while you are in a primary relationship.
- You've had an affair or one-night-stand in order to get away from your relationship, have some fun, and get some attention.
- You use porn to escape from the pressure in your relationship.
- You withhold sex from your partner.
- You have become involved in relationships because you couldn't say "no" or you didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings.
- You have stayed in relationships longer than you wanted because you would have felt guilty if you ended it.
- Your relationships have often begun with you rescuing your partner from another bad relationship, poor health, financial difficulties, emotional distress, legal problems or some other difficulty.
- It is important to you that your partner thinks of you as her 'Knight in Shining Armor' or his 'Wonder Woman.'
- As a child, you sometimes thought you were taking care of mom or dad more than they were parenting you.
- As a child, you felt like mom or dad was smothering.
What Does the Love Avoidance Relational Cycle Look Like?
The love avoidant:
- Feels compelled to take care of needy people.
- Hides behind a wall of seduction or romance to satisfy the needs of relationship partner while avoiding being vulnerable or feeling controlled.
- Begins to resent the other person he or she feels duty bound to take care of and moves behind a wall of anger.
- Communicates anger in either a passive-aggressive or overtly aggressive way. Uses anger to justify a break from relationship duties.
- Sees self as a victim of relationship partner and rationalizes seeking intensity outside of primary relationship (e.g., overworking, drugs or alcohol, compulsive eating, sexually acting out, financial risk taking, thrill seeking, etc.).
- Either returns to relationship out of guilt or fear of abandonment, or finds a replacement relationship.
LINKS:Building healthy relationships
Vulnerability and gentleness
Emotions and personal growth
Fear of true intimacy and being seen for who you really are at the core
The dance of the vounded souls
Co-dependency (Or the difference in being responsible for others and being responsible to others)
The Casanova complex
The high flyer
The Phantom / The Dracul / The shadow
Manipulative peopleFreud's Psychosexual Stages of Development
Personal blog: A typical example of love avoidance behavoir
what longs to be burned to death
And so long as you haven`t experienced
this: to die and so to grow,
you are only a troubeled guest
on this dark earth"
- A text about personal transformation, and relating to others. How can gentleness and feeling pain really be a powerful strength?
When we first open to our pain, it often feels as though we are bleeding. yet this kind of emotinal bleeding helps awaken the heart, allowing vital energies in us that have become coagulated to circle again. To let our pain move in this healing way requires awareness, courage, and gentleness--being present with the pain instead of believing scare stories in our mind about where it might take us, opening ourselves to the place where we hurt inside, bringing caring presence to it, and letting those we love see it as well. In this way, helping us connect with our warrior spirit, pain can become a friend and ally.
A close friend, Tracy, has told me about some of her struggles, and transformation, relating to exactly these issues, and her partner Mark. She had a long time been feeling very resentful about her partner, but during a process where she allowed her pain about it to flow, finally accepted the situation. Thus when she felt her disappointment that Mark wasn't everything she would like him to be, and let this touch her, she realized, and expressed;
"We each have differences and imperfections that hurt each other. Yet there is nothing wrong with feeling that pain. it makes me feel my heart`s blood--my openness to myself, to him, and to love itself." In proclaiming her vulnerability this way, she was stepping beyond her fear of pain and heartbreak.
Tracy confessed and described, that always before, she had tried to make her partners meet her emotional needs in devious, indirect ways. She would avoid stating he real feelings and needs openly because she did not like to feel exposed. It was much safer to manipulate her partner into blaming him when he failed to do so, or just withdraw.
In every relationship, there are times when one partner wants to connect more deeply, but that other is not as emotionally available at the same moment. At first when Tracy experienced this with Mark, she would feel hurt, and then contract, protect herself, attack, or hold it against him. Then, as her hurt and resentment built up, she would start to think about leaving him. Yet in learning to be compassionate toward the vulnerable part of herself, where she felt hurt by Mark`s unavailability, Tracy could let these hard, defensive edges fall away. When she softened to her pain, she could simply tell Mark about it, instead of holding it against him or shutting down her love. Expressing her needs more openly, rather than manipulating or accusing him, allowed her love to keep flowing. And she expressed that she felt stronger: no longer did she have to live in fear of pain or feel victimized when she got hurt. In this way, thorough making friends with our vulnerability, we discover a new kind of flexibility and power.
We usually think of vulnerability and gentleness as the opposite of power. Yet the softening that happens when we work with our pain can be quite compelling and influential. We become like water, which can generate electric power precisely because it flows so willingly, without resisting gravity or the contours of the land. Water is extremely vulnerable, in a sense. It is soft, it does not resist the touch, it can be molded into any shape, and it receives whatever we put into it. Yet for wearing down what is hard and tough, nothing surpasses it. Just as water, which is so soft, and accommodating, can reduce the hardest of rocks to sand, similarly gentleness is one of the most irresistible human qualities and can penetrate even the hardest of hearts. Whereas hardness stirs up aggression, gentleness provides nothing to resist.
So when Tracy show her vulnerability by saying, "I want to feel close to you right now", or "I just need to feel your love", Mark could not resist her. Because she was so appealing at the moment, he would often want to put aside his self-involvement and give her what she asked for. And when she could expose her pain-"It really hurts me when you get so tight"-instead of trying to get him to change, this usally made him soften. No longer was she the fussy princess expecting him to be a perfect prince.
In learning to appreciate and trust her broken-open heart Tracy says she felt more connected with life than ever before, and more capable of handling the challenges of an ongoing relationship. This was a tremendous victory, which only made her stronger and more attractive.
Men can particularly have a hard time seeing that their willingness to be vulnerable is often what touches women the most. They imagine that it is a sign of weakness, and that it will lead to scorn or rejection, or that they will loose control and disappear in the feeling. However, as one woman friend of mine put it,"I find it quite magnetic, when a man lets me see his vulnerability. It only turns me off if he tries to get me to reassure him about feeling that way. If he just presents it openly, I find that courageous and admire him for it." What she is saying is that ego fragility-trying to cover up the rawness of one`s heart-is unattractive, while fearlessly revealing it can be most appealing.
Thus the rawness of the broke-open heart, which being in moments of disillusion, is the transmuting force in the alchemy of love. When we let our heart break open, a certain sweetness starts to flow from us like nectar. As the Sufi teacher Hazrat Inayat khan put it,"The warmth of the lover`s atmosphere, the piercing effect of his voice, the appeal of his words, all come from the pain in his heart." This is one of the great secrets of love. Instead of trying to ward off his pain, which is futile anyway, the lover can use it to transform himself, to develop invincible tenderness and compassion, and as the troubadours discovered, become a "gentle man" as well as a heroic warrior in the service of love.
Letting the heart break open awakens us to the mystery of love-that we can`t help loving others, in spite of the pain they cause us, for no other reason than that they move and touch us. in ways that we can never fully comprehend. Indeed, if those we love perfectly matched our ideal dreams, they would not touch us so deeply. What we love is just not their pure being, but also their heart`s struggle with all the obstacles in the way of its full, radiant expression. Although their imperfections cause us pain, they also give our love a greater purchase, a foothold, something to work with. It is as though our heart wants to ally itself with the hearts in those we love and lend them strength in their struggle to realize the magnificence of their being, beyond all their perceived shortcomings.
"As one lamp serves to dispel a thousand years of darkness, so one flash of wisdom destroys ten thousand years of ignorance."
I do not subscribe to certain popular beliefs that some feelings and emotions are negative. I believe that none of them are "negative"; they are all part of you; they are life expressing itself through you, also giving you important messages of who you are and who you were.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall."
A way to get better in touch with your emotions is meditation. It helps you to get in touch with your genuine feeling self, your intrinsic being. Counselling can help to get things off your chest and give you support to move through difficult situations. Journal writing is another excellent way to stay in touch with yourself.
Working out feelings and emotions and getting in touch with your genuine felt self offers an inner richness which is totally independent to any material wealth.