MANIPULATIVE PEOPLE
Have you ever met a person that in one way or another has you doubt yourself in their company, but you cannot explain why? Is there somebody you keep feeling that something is wrong around, but you cannot pinpoint what it is? You feel bad around them, but they seem totally nice and even wonderful...Still being around them is in the end frustrating for you. You have probably met a covertly manipulative person.
- To call on and discover manipulative people before you get attached to them, can save you much trouble and suffering.
- There are different degrees of manipulative people.
At the end of the spectrum are those with a personality disorder
. But the type of manipulative people I am gonna talk about here, however, are those you encounter in everyday life. They are people who function well socially, and stand out as normal people. They can actually very often be incredibly friendly, welcoming, positive and gentle. Anyway, they have a hidden agenda: to "win" over others.
There are many reasons for a person learning manipulation as their main way of getting their needs met, and also different aspects driving them. I am only going to mention a few examples here.
- The neurotic:
If they are more on the neurotic side, what drives a manipulator can be low self esteem. If they don´t feel in control, this low self esteem will surface. As long as they feel like they are the ones who are rejecting you, and not the opposite...as long as they feel that you want and need them, they are in control. They need to have the upper hand. The moment they feel like they don´t have it, it will plunge them in the oposite direction where their feelings of rejection, sadness or even despair lies. So they don`t feel above, they see themselves as below and they will avoid this at any cost. When they avoid this they will not have to deal with their inner deeper feeling of rejection and low self worth, which they try to cover ut in diferent ways.
- The caracter disturbed
The other aspect that might drive a manipulative is a character disturbed personality, who just hasn´t developed enough conscience. Their primal drive is just a basic need to win or get their needs and desires met, and they have not developed a sense of responsibility for their deeds in getting there. Their feeling of guilt is underdeveloped. In other words they have no real developed empathy for other people, so they have no real concerns or guilt feelings about using manipulation to get the things they want.
"A common saying among professionals is that "if a person is making everyone else miserable, he is probably character disordered. And if he is making himself miserable, he is probably neurotic."
A key caracteristic to both is that they most often are unwilling to take responsibility, and will avoid this by different means. This is why some can be extremely good at covering up their own agenda
Here are some pointers to manipulative behavior:
- Flipping the coin: A manipulator can gain control over you and escape responsibility by making you feel like you are the one with the problem and not them. Being around a manipulative person can be extremely distressful. Especially if they are good at masking up their own agenda and tactics. These people can push others to a level of frustration that ends in an emotional outburst. After all the things they have put sombody through. The manipulator can then point to the outbursts as an example of your unruly behavoir. They simply try to make a point that you are the "crazy one", not them. Which takes the attention away from what they are doing. You had the emotional outburst, right? That it is stemming from their manipulative behavior never seem to come into consideration.
Another tactic on flipping is simply to put blame, but most often without cause. Most often the person will be blamed for the things they are doing trying to defend themselves from the manipulators attacks.
- Bagatelizing: Showing through action or words that the feelings or the issue brought up is of minor importance. This might be done actively by plainly saying so, or indirect by laughing or making a joke of it. A manipulator can state that something is of minor importance, or that the issue or incident brought up was done with the best intentions from his/her side. They can play innocent. Both methods will make the manipulator look like a better person. The first is an attempttto make the target person feel like they are being hysterical and making something of minor importance into big issues. "You are making drama again". In the latter their intentions "were good", the target is brought to guilt because of questioning the manipulator or "being difficult". These tactics might very often be followed up with some flatter, to make it look like the manipulator is not really criticizing you, but actually supporting you, something that will ensure you get even more guilt, and will not backfire on them for what they did to you in the first place.
- Denial: Tactics can be direct denial or passive denial. The latter can be made by behaving like they haven´t understood that they has done something that was not good. This also creates a lot of insecurity in the person that brought up the subject. They might get to a point where they start to question their own judgement and feelings, and therefore it is a very strong weapon in manipulating them further.
- Being vague: Being vague is
a very typical manipulative trait, because manipulators avoid taking responsibility. If a manipulator is asked something they don´t want to answer, or don´t know the answer to, being vague is a method for them to keep control of the situation. Instead of saying the truth or "I don´t know" something vague with many interpretations comes out instead. To be vague is a way of not having to be responsible for what they have said. In the end, it might have been you who misinterpreted it all, right? So if or when the subject comes up, this can be played to their favour.
Giving warnings: A super way to ensure they will never have to take responsibility. Example: A person can say "I don´t want commitment or a relationship right now". Then after this initial warning they might act as they actually want one, even lead the other part emotionally and physically into it. This will give them all the benefits from it. Then, if the situation gets difficult or it is time for some responsabilities, they might pull out of it and bring back the initial warning they gave to escape responsibility. They can be extremely convincing about why they acted in a different manner after their initial warning. Maybe they were just swept away by their feeling? but they also told everything to you in the beginning? So in the end you are the responsible one, not them. So they can leave the situation feeling no responsibility for the damage they have done, even put it all on the other part. And this is basically what manipulative people are after, direct or passively. So this makes initial warnings quite a strong manipulative weapon. But if you know how to look out for it, you can get away from people using them before they do.
- Play innocent/ confused: To pretend like they don´t understand or even know what you are talking about is also a powerful way to get out of responsibility. They might even make you mistrust you own judgment and think you are the one who is doing something bad for accusing them of these things. To avoid the blame for something by pushing the feelings of guilt back on you.
- Ignoring: To just ignore what you said and move on to other subjects. Pretend they didn´t hear it / receive your mail / letter / message etc or the easiest way, to just bluntly ignore it and not answer at all. In this way they can make you insecure about the things you have said, and you will need much force to repeat it. Something they wish you will not, so they can avoid responsibility and confrontation.
-Take the role as a victim: by making themselves a victim they can make others feel guilty. Guilty for "accusing them" or anything similar. Making a victim feel worse will bring up a lot of guilt in a person, so a victim role is a good escape for confrontations.
An other benift from the victim role is getting compassion or pity from others. Both these examples can give them a passive control over other people.
- Blame others: Taking away focus from themselves by talking about others behind their backs. Seen in this light they may also appear good, because "they don´t do such things". It might also be a passive way of telling you you should never behave like the bad examples they are giving of the others. In other words, it might work as a passive warning or even threat. I.e: Taking about an ex wife and how she behaved. Maybe she showed them lack of interest or love. By telling you this, they are passively stating to you that you must never do the same, or even, that they need much attention and that you need to provide it. They are also showing themselves in the victim role of somebody else, and gets pity out of you, ensuring that you will not do the same to them if it works.
An other method in blaming others is stating that they are only protecting themselves / reacting to the other persons behavior. The others started it, they never did, they are only defending themselves or reacting to being maltreated. (Again they are avoiding responsibility)
- Lie: To lie about parts of the story or all of it. Manipulators are good liars and know well what things to tell you and what to hide. They can follow your reactions closely and play on it to win. Twist the situation after how you respond to it, and bend the truth to fit their stories.
- Distracting: To direct focus in an other area to take you away from the issue you are bringing up, so you will forget it.
- Make you feel guilty: A very powerful method that gives them total control of you and make them able to manipulate you even more. Many of the above tactics have this effect.
Are you interested in learning more about manipulative people and how to deal with them. Read the following book, I can really recommend it
- In sheep´s clothing: understanding and dealing with manipulative people.
- Other article about emotinal manipulation
Have you ever met a person that in one way or another has you doubt yourself in their company, but you cannot explain why? Is there somebody you keep feeling that something is wrong around, but you cannot pinpoint what it is? You feel bad around them, but they seem totally nice and even wonderful...Still being around them is in the end frustrating for you. You have probably met a covertly manipulative person.
- To call on and discover manipulative people before you get attached to them, can save you much trouble and suffering.
- There are different degrees of manipulative people.
At the end of the spectrum are those with a personality disorder
. But the type of manipulative people I am gonna talk about here, however, are those you encounter in everyday life. They are people who function well socially, and stand out as normal people. They can actually very often be incredibly friendly, welcoming, positive and gentle. Anyway, they have a hidden agenda: to "win" over others.There are many reasons for a person learning manipulation as their main way of getting their needs met, and also different aspects driving them. I am only going to mention a few examples here.
- The neurotic:
If they are more on the neurotic side, what drives a manipulator can be low self esteem. If they don´t feel in control, this low self esteem will surface. As long as they feel like they are the ones who are rejecting you, and not the opposite...as long as they feel that you want and need them, they are in control. They need to have the upper hand. The moment they feel like they don´t have it, it will plunge them in the oposite direction where their feelings of rejection, sadness or even despair lies. So they don`t feel above, they see themselves as below and they will avoid this at any cost. When they avoid this they will not have to deal with their inner deeper feeling of rejection and low self worth, which they try to cover ut in diferent ways.
- The caracter disturbed
The other aspect that might drive a manipulative is a character disturbed personality, who just hasn´t developed enough conscience. Their primal drive is just a basic need to win or get their needs and desires met, and they have not developed a sense of responsibility for their deeds in getting there. Their feeling of guilt is underdeveloped. In other words they have no real developed empathy for other people, so they have no real concerns or guilt feelings about using manipulation to get the things they want.
"A common saying among professionals is that "if a person is making everyone else miserable, he is probably character disordered. And if he is making himself miserable, he is probably neurotic."
A key caracteristic to both is that they most often are unwilling to take responsibility, and will avoid this by different means. This is why some can be extremely good at covering up their own agenda
Here are some pointers to manipulative behavior:
- Flipping the coin: A manipulator can gain control over you and escape responsibility by making you feel like you are the one with the problem and not them. Being around a manipulative person can be extremely distressful. Especially if they are good at masking up their own agenda and tactics. These people can push others to a level of frustration that ends in an emotional outburst. After all the things they have put sombody through. The manipulator can then point to the outbursts as an example of your unruly behavoir. They simply try to make a point that you are the "crazy one", not them. Which takes the attention away from what they are doing. You had the emotional outburst, right? That it is stemming from their manipulative behavior never seem to come into consideration.
Another tactic on flipping is simply to put blame, but most often without cause. Most often the person will be blamed for the things they are doing trying to defend themselves from the manipulators attacks.
- Bagatelizing: Showing through action or words that the feelings or the issue brought up is of minor importance. This might be done actively by plainly saying so, or indirect by laughing or making a joke of it. A manipulator can state that something is of minor importance, or that the issue or incident brought up was done with the best intentions from his/her side. They can play innocent. Both methods will make the manipulator look like a better person. The first is an attempttto make the target person feel like they are being hysterical and making something of minor importance into big issues. "You are making drama again". In the latter their intentions "were good", the target is brought to guilt because of questioning the manipulator or "being difficult". These tactics might very often be followed up with some flatter, to make it look like the manipulator is not really criticizing you, but actually supporting you, something that will ensure you get even more guilt, and will not backfire on them for what they did to you in the first place.
- Denial: Tactics can be direct denial or passive denial. The latter can be made by behaving like they haven´t understood that they has done something that was not good. This also creates a lot of insecurity in the person that brought up the subject. They might get to a point where they start to question their own judgement and feelings, and therefore it is a very strong weapon in manipulating them further.
- Being vague: Being vague is
a very typical manipulative trait, because manipulators avoid taking responsibility. If a manipulator is asked something they don´t want to answer, or don´t know the answer to, being vague is a method for them to keep control of the situation. Instead of saying the truth or "I don´t know" something vague with many interpretations comes out instead. To be vague is a way of not having to be responsible for what they have said. In the end, it might have been you who misinterpreted it all, right? So if or when the subject comes up, this can be played to their favour.Giving warnings: A super way to ensure they will never have to take responsibility. Example: A person can say "I don´t want commitment or a relationship right now". Then after this initial warning they might act as they actually want one, even lead the other part emotionally and physically into it. This will give them all the benefits from it. Then, if the situation gets difficult or it is time for some responsabilities, they might pull out of it and bring back the initial warning they gave to escape responsibility. They can be extremely convincing about why they acted in a different manner after their initial warning. Maybe they were just swept away by their feeling? but they also told everything to you in the beginning? So in the end you are the responsible one, not them. So they can leave the situation feeling no responsibility for the damage they have done, even put it all on the other part. And this is basically what manipulative people are after, direct or passively. So this makes initial warnings quite a strong manipulative weapon. But if you know how to look out for it, you can get away from people using them before they do.
- Play innocent/ confused: To pretend like they don´t understand or even know what you are talking about is also a powerful way to get out of responsibility. They might even make you mistrust you own judgment and think you are the one who is doing something bad for accusing them of these things. To avoid the blame for something by pushing the feelings of guilt back on you.
- Ignoring: To just ignore what you said and move on to other subjects. Pretend they didn´t hear it / receive your mail / letter / message etc or the easiest way, to just bluntly ignore it and not answer at all. In this way they can make you insecure about the things you have said, and you will need much force to repeat it. Something they wish you will not, so they can avoid responsibility and confrontation.
-Take the role as a victim: by making themselves a victim they can make others feel guilty. Guilty for "accusing them" or anything similar. Making a victim feel worse will bring up a lot of guilt in a person, so a victim role is a good escape for confrontations.
An other benift from the victim role is getting compassion or pity from others. Both these examples can give them a passive control over other people.
- Blame others: Taking away focus from themselves by talking about others behind their backs. Seen in this light they may also appear good, because "they don´t do such things". It might also be a passive way of telling you you should never behave like the bad examples they are giving of the others. In other words, it might work as a passive warning or even threat. I.e: Taking about an ex wife and how she behaved. Maybe she showed them lack of interest or love. By telling you this, they are passively stating to you that you must never do the same, or even, that they need much attention and that you need to provide it. They are also showing themselves in the victim role of somebody else, and gets pity out of you, ensuring that you will not do the same to them if it works.
An other method in blaming others is stating that they are only protecting themselves / reacting to the other persons behavior. The others started it, they never did, they are only defending themselves or reacting to being maltreated. (Again they are avoiding responsibility)
- Lie: To lie about parts of the story or all of it. Manipulators are good liars and know well what things to tell you and what to hide. They can follow your reactions closely and play on it to win. Twist the situation after how you respond to it, and bend the truth to fit their stories.
- Distracting: To direct focus in an other area to take you away from the issue you are bringing up, so you will forget it.
- Make you feel guilty: A very powerful method that gives them total control of you and make them able to manipulate you even more. Many of the above tactics have this effect.
Are you interested in learning more about manipulative people and how to deal with them. Read the following book, I can really recommend it
- In sheep´s clothing: understanding and dealing with manipulative people.
- Other article about emotinal manipulation
And even when you know you're dealing with someone who is manipulative, it's easy to fall back in their game and minimize what stands in front of your eyes. Better have good friends to remind you what you said a week before.
ReplyDeletemi k
Yes, it is very good to have others to help you keep in mind what is actually healthy. It is surprisingly easy to be snared into the realty of a manipulative person.
ReplyDeleteThanks for finally talking about > Untitled < Loved it!
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