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Co-dependency

Or the difference in

"being responsible for others and being responsible to others"

OBS: This artickle concentrates on the side of codependance where the selfasteem is low, and the codependent feels needed by others. A typical codependent reaction is also the total opposite, to feel more vaulable than others and that nobody should need them. You can read up on this by text of Pia Malody

Let us embrace and own the idea that having healthy relationships in our lives is important. As a result, we nee

d to make sure we bring our best we can be to the relationship process. What does it mean to be our best? To understand this idea we need to begin to understand the difference in between being re

sponsible for others and being responsible to others in our lives.

More recently, “co-dependency” has been adapted to help describe the behaviors present in any dysfunctional relationship where one person sacrifices “self” in the hopes of satisfying their needs of feeling wanted, desired, loved, valued, etc. These behaviors are often rooted in the upbringing in a dysfunctional family, where abuse (emotional, spiritual, physical or sexual) is present.

Co-dependency is generally used to describe any self-sacrificing, unhealthy behavior patterns which result from dysfunctional relationships adding more fuel to the dysfunctional relationship patterns. It’s a circular pattern of behavior that is often distructive for all those involved.

So, in other words, co-dependency can be defined as the tendency to put others needs before your own. You accommodate to others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings, desires and basic needs. Your self-esteem depends largely o

n how well you please, take care of and/or solve problems for someone else (or many others). In other words, it is the denial or repression of the real self. It is based on the wrong belief that love, acceptance, security, success, closeness and salvation are all dependent upon one's ability to do "the right thing." In the process, the co-dependent denies who she or he really is. Once addicted, the codependent becomes blind to the reality of their own behavior and to their own self-worth.

They have good intentions; often the very best. They can often try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the care-taking can become compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a subconscious sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents often view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Here are some unconscious deeper feelings that co-dependents often struggle with:

1. If someone important to me expects me to do something, I should do it.

2. I should not be irritable or unpleasant.

3. I shouldn't do anything to make others angry at me.

4. I should keep people I love happy.

5. It's usually my fault if someone I care about is upset with me.

6. I obtain self-esteem out of helping others solve their problems.

7. I tend to overextend myself in taking care of others.

8. If necessary, I put my own values or needs aside in order to preserve my relationship with my significant other

9. I have a hard time receiving things from others.

10. Fear of someone else's anger has a lot of influence on what I say or do.

The consequences of maintaining a co-dependent approach to life is a lot of resentment, frustration and unmet personal needs. When these feelings and needs remain unconscious, they often resurface as anxiety -- especially chronic, generalized anxiety or depression. The long-term effects of co-dependency are enduring stress, fatigue, burnout and eventually serious physical illness.

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:
-An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
-A tendency to confuse love with the feelings of pity

or guilt
-A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
-A tendency to become hurt when people

don’t recognize their efforts
-An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a (often destructive) relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment, even though the relationship is bad for them
-An extreme need for approval and recognition
-A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
-A compelling need to (passively) control others
-Lack of trust in self and/or others
-Fear of being abandoned or alone
-Difficulty identifying feelings
-Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
-Problems with intimacy/boundaries
-Chronic (subconscious) anger
-Sometimes poor communication in relationships
-Difficulty making decisions

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you very worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem or who hits or belittles you?
4. Have you ever lived with someone or stayed in a relationship that was not good for your overall mental health?
5. Do you often feel that the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes in your life?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time apart from you?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when a close one makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking or relating naturally to people in authority?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

If you identify with some or several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

When Co-dependency Hits Home

Recovery and treatment

So what is really the difference in being responsible to others instead of being responsible for others in our lives? To understand that we need to understand both ourselves and our close relationships better.

The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is to understand it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends into their relationships.

A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say “no,” to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.

So, yes, hope lies in learning and understanding more. The more you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Everyone carries some baggage from their life’s journey. We can see that we are all lugging around some different sized loads – but we all have a load to bear. It is irresponsible for anyone to try and dump their baggage on someone else and equally irresponsible for us to carry someone else’s. It is important that we all carry our own load. (We all have baggage – we just need to learn how to carry it gracefully.)

With this baggage carrying analogy, we can see that if someone is trying to carry the load of another the weight becomes unbearable for one (he/she has been dumped on) and the other person is experiencing unbridled freedom – no worries. This isn’t good for either person.

Everyone has their own baggage or burdens to live through and carry. Life is just that way. Things happen on an everyday basis – we all must experience, learn and (hopefully) grow through these experiences, thus becoming more graceful at carrying our own burdens. If we try to carry this baggage for another, then we are depriving the person of experiencing his/her life. We are getting in the way of the lessons that are being introduced to them. We are feeling responsible for their life – for their happiness – for their success – even for their failures.

The same can be said if we try and get others to carry our life’s baggage. If we keep handing it off and not dealing with it ourselves then we are expecting someone else to be responsible for our lives. We are giving up our power. We will miss out on all of the opportunities we are presented to experience, learn and grow as a person. We will never learn how to gracefully walk with our burdens – our baggage. We are not being responsible for ourselves or our life.

Instead, it is a much more healthy approach to living if we consider ourselves responsible to other people rather than being responsible for other people. Sometimes life dumps a trunk on us and we need genuine help to carry it. It is far too heavy to carry alone. These are times in life that are extra heavy, extra difficult, extra trying. In these cases we are all responsible to ask for help and those of us who are able would be loving and supportive to help during those times of trial – ie. illness, death, divorce, natural disaster, abuse, war, etc. These times call for assistance – a temporary sharing of the load that someone has experienced in their life. To help the person struggling is to be responsible to them - we are there to help, supporting others during difficult times of trial and pain. We are assisting, not trying to carry or control the burden alone. We are helping out for a while until such time as the trial is lifted.

One of the most commonly identifiable behaviors/attitudes in co-dependency is that of trying to control our environment (namely relationships) to satisfy our deep need of wanting to be loved. Have you ever found yourself saying things like:

• “If I was good enough, strive to make and be my very best he/she would love me.”
• “If I don’t do it, the job won’t get done or won’t be done right and people will be disappointed in me.”
• “If I volunteer more, I will be liked and respected.”
• “I know so much through my experiences, it is my responsibility to pass on this information to everyone whether they think it is important information or not.”
• “If I do things perfectly, I feel safe, and people will respect me.”
• “My spouse/significant other will always be happy if I just behave in a certain way and/or provide for their every need.”
• “If we pretend that the abuse or wrongdoing isn’t happening, things will work out okay"
• “If I can just avoid saying anything confrontational, but just make a even better effort in fixing things, then they might be fine in the end.”
• "I need to give 120% - one hundred percent of myself all the time.”
• “A job worth doing, is worth doing perfectly.”
• “If I feel guilty, I must have done something wrong, so I need to do anything in my power to fix it"

All of these statements suggest a strong issue of co-dependency. Here we are trying to carry someone’s baggage rather than letting them carry it themselves. It is a place where our boundaries blend in too closely with those boundaries of our family members, friends and loved ones. They all suggest passively having control over other peoples’ opinions, thoughts and feelings – being responsible for others. If we have co-dependant attitudes/behaviors, deeper down we believe that we are influential of all the circumstances – we are able to “make" someone happy, sad, angry, furious, out of control, elated, content…the list goes on and on. With co-dependant behaviors/attitudes come the belief that through our actions we control how all other people see us, value us, and respond to us. This is a recipe for disaster.

Rather than allowing others to own their own reactions to situations, we believe they should respond in a way defined (and usually desired) by us. In many situations this isn’t necessarily “evil” control, but actually stems out of good wishes and wanting the best for others. It is just very misunderstood. Many of us want our family members to be happy and satisfied with life. We desire love and nurturing relationships. We want our bosses to approve of us and like us. None of these desires are wrong unless they get in the way of living life in an honest way where we are feeling responsible for other people.

It is important that we learn to live life in a way that is true to who we fundamentally are and what we believe. To live otherwise is to live in a falseness-of-self that will always come back to haunt us. We can’t “make” anyone feel, act, or be someway they don’t choose to be themselves…that is their choice (not ours) to make. Often times a person can get trapped in this cycle when involved in a relationship where he/she really cares about how the other person feels about him/her.

Remember back to your youth…as a teenager, we often would discover someone and develop a huge crush on him/her. We would wonder what they liked to do and what kind of things happened that resulted in smiles and laughter in their lives…we look for those things that made them tick. Then, we might have tried to emulate this type of person so that the object of our desire would “like us.” Maybe, if we were able to perform perfectly, dress perfectly, behave just so - this person might even fall in love with us.

We did our homework. We discovered what was important to him/her and then snared them in the trap of our charm. Weeks or months later, we possibly discovered that there were things about him/her that we weren’t all that wild about. Maybe we became sick to death of going shopping or having football games on t.v. every Sunday. We may even have tried to change them a bit…maybe bringing up other options for entertainment that were important to us – we encouraged them kindly (or forcefully) to just try and see how wonderful these things could be. We wanted them to change to fit what our real desires were – what was really in our hearts. Instead of respecting that they where who they were and we were who we really were – that person behind the persona of “perfect.”

Does this scenario sound familiar? Unfortunately, it is all too often the case in relationships – even past our teen years. The passionate infatuation stage wanes and we find ourselves tired of trying to be someone we aren’t and then wanting to have our partner “just love me for who I really am.” We may also attempt this same type of manipulation with our parents or other significant people in our lives. Trying desperately to gain approval, acceptance, love – it just doesn’t work. We cannot (nor should we even try) get people to feel things they do not want to feel – even love. (Sorry Cupid, those arrows really don’t work!)

The best we can hope for and actually what we should be striving toward, is being true to who we are in our hearts. That doesn’t mean to be blindly accepting of our behaviors (both good and bad). But rather to live true to our values, skills, personality, and all those gifts that enrich our personhood. We need to discover, learn and grow in who we are. Then, we bring our “best” self to the table of any and all relationships. If the “object of our desire” isn’t receptive – that may be quite sad (and sometimes devastating) – but it is his/her choice. We shouldn’t try to manipulate this process. It is the best for all involved.

If we think about it logically and remove our personal feelings from the observations, it really makes a lot of sense. If we are respectful of others’ boundaries and desires as well as our own, the result will be good matches rather than manipulated partnerships. Everything will be out on the table with no surprises. We won’t be trying to change anyone and no one will be trying to change us. We will all be living in truth rather than wishing for what “could possibly be if he/she would change.” The result will be an honest connection between people who share common values, beliefs, convictions, interests, etc. Not only will we be loving someone as they are – we will be loved for who and what we are – “loved for being me!”