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He was...
a painful sweet taste, a sudden brush of a dreaming wind,
a sight behind shimmering eyelids, and a rush of soft smells to her senses.
He was a flickering picture, water running through her mind.
A thought she yearned to posses, but never wanted to own, never
He was a touch, a distant color yet to be seen, an unopened dream,
a wish, a longing, a desire
to strong to ever be fulfilled.
He was too much,
too far away in her mind
from himself
from her
and she knew it.....again
Love Addiction consists of two components:
Romance and / or Sexual Addiction.
Love addiction is a condition common for many adults that once were abandoned children, emotionally or physically abandoned. It might spread from dependency on only romance or sex, to a mix of both components. What was common for these children was the suffering of not feeling deeply loved and accepted in a healthy way, with a support to reach individuality, strength and selflove from the parent/s. Maybe the parents needed them to much (codependency) or never really saw them. Oftentimes these parents never got the love and support in childhood they needed either, so they didn´t have the foundation to take learning from on how to it to pass it on to their own children. This is no matter how much they even wanted to, or in their own way might have loved their child.
Sex and love addicts often don´t realize their problem or seek help before in total crisis (divorce, painful emotional breakdowns etc) and some times not even then. Normally they will try to get out of crisis through controlling their pattern in their own way. Altering the behavior by being abstinent or trying a new pattern, getting an other form of addiction ect. This is just like the alcoholic swapping beer for wine and will never help anyone in the long run, because the underlying conditions for the addictions will still be there.
As the addicted think they derive some pleasure out of their pattern, they will very often cling to it as much as they can. The state of addiction involves a lot of denial of own feelings, so in the addicted state of mind the addict will likely not be aware of his/her own pattern. They will be tricked by their mind to believe they are perfectly in their right to behave as they do.
If you feel this might apply to you in any way at all, please keep on reading and keep an open mind. It might change your life.
Sex and love addiction can involve many different antics; it may be a strong desire to have sex, masturbate
, watch porn. It might be an urge to flirt, have affairs / relations or just create romantic situations and connections. Or it might even be a pattern to fall into romantic situations that always leaves you feel hurt or vounded, always ending up in situations where love brings suffering to you. In one way or another, it involves romance, sex or love in a way that is not healthy for the person, even though they might think so in the stanges of intense pleasure.All these things are normal for every human, but enters a non-healthy state when the person in fact cannot be without these attachments. (Or drastically goes totally abstinent in a way of trying to control it all) When being alone for a long period of time without these elements is difficult to a stronger degree, and brings up emotions as anxiety and the feeling of withdrawal pangs. Or the reverse - if every time you get involved with someone it also brings with it a lot of anxiety, stress and mixed emotions.
If a person has entered a later state of addiction, his/her behavior might start to get out of control and even to have negative impact on their life quality. Other tasks as work, health or important things that are essential to have a rich, fullworthy life, are set aside to give room for the addition. The addiction takes the main role of that persons life, and this spiral only increases with time. Being a sex and / or love addict means your desires for these things are significantly impinging on your life in a negative way. These feelings and behaviors cause a great deal of shame, hopelessness and confusion for the addict, but at the same time the drive and urge for them are also extremely strong. It creates a feeling of meaning and being alive, because they have not developed a truly healthy relatonship to the self and their own inner reality.
The addicts might often engage in distorted thinking, often rationalizing and justifying their behavior or blaming others for problems. They generally deny they have a problem and make excuses for their actions, which for them might seem perfectly healthy and good. This despite it being an unmanageable problem in the addict's life. The reason might be the that to realize the addiction involves a mayor life change that also threatens the identity that the addicted has built up for her/himself. And it also involves facing the difficult feelings of non-worth and pain that is disguised by the addiction. This becomes very difficut as it includes changing a habit that makes them feel safe and good. As long as they feel good, and get their addiction, they don´t want to change.
Change often comes just when they have reached rock bottom and suffering enters their life at a high level, because of their actions. So it might take might take years and years of addiction and abuse to enter that state of mind, where recovery is wanted.
Sexual addiction might also be associated with risk-taking. In addition to damaging the addict's relationships and interfering with his or her work and "normal" life, a sexual addiction also puts other people and themselves at risk for emotional or physical injury (not using protection during sexual intercourse etc)
These behaviors naturally makes it extremely difficult to work or engage in healthy personal relationships, and normally a love/sex addict has no real feeling of what a healthy relationship is actually based on. They have never gone to the depths or experienced real love and commitment. They were not really given it as a child, and they never learned it as adults. Their way were the made kinda of love, the perverted copy of it. For them love and intimicy is the intensity they feel in connecting with someone else. It is not built slowly up through time, but it coes as a sudden blow, a hit in the meeting with an other addict.
But the first step is facing the addiction, and in that way also starting the path to a healthy life, where loving relations both to the self and others are possible.
Signs and Characteristics of Sex and / or Love Addiction:
# Lack of nurturing and attention when young
# Feeling isolated, detached from parent/s and or family
# Compartmentalization of relationships from other areas of life
# Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at any cost
# P
erceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, on a par with food and water# Insatiable appetite in area of difficulty (sex, love or attachment / need.)
# Inner (conscious/subconscious) rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment
# Outer facade of "having it all together" to hide internal disintegration
# Mistake intensity for intimacy or love
# Hidden Pain
# Powerlessness over addictive sexual behavior.
# Resulting unmanageability of his/her life.
# Feelings of shame, pain, and self-loathing.
# Failed promises and attempts to stop acting out (seeking the stimuli of romance/sex).
# Preoccupation with sex leading to ritual.
# Tendency to leave one (sexual/romantic)relationship for another.(No real time alone)
# Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship
# Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner/s
# Escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior
# Intense need to control self, others, circumstances
# Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems (food, alcohol etc)
# Using others, sex & relationships to alter mood or relieve emotional pain
# Continual questioning of values and lifestyle
# Confusion of sexual attraction with love ("Love" at first sight.)
# Tendency to trade sexual activity for "love" or attachment
# Existence of a secret "double life"
# Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem
# Defining "wants" as "needs"
# Attempts to replace lost relationships/sexual encounters with new ones immediately
Many of these symptoms are also elements of codependency and intimacy dysfunctions resulting from childhood abandonment, emotional or sexual abuse. For this reason treatment and therapy for Love Addiction often includes trauma recovery work. Read what others have to say about love addiction.
Check yes or no to the self test presented on this page. A high number of yes would indicate romance/sex addiction. Remember that romance can be a delightful part of our love relationships and bring out the best in us. It is when we have become over-identified with this experience that it hurts a person.
-----o--o-o--o-o--O--o-o--o-o--o--------How is sexual/romantic addiction treated?
Most addicts live in denial of their addiction, and treating an addiction is dependent on the person accepting and admitting that he or she has a problem. In many cases, it takes a significant event—such as the loss of a job, the break-up of a marriage, an arrest, or health crisis—to force the addict to admit to his or her problem.
Support groups and 12 step recovery programs for people with addictions (like SLAA; Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) have been proven very helpful. This program is designed to help the individual come through a recovery process on his own, but at the same time through the support and knowledge of the group. The goal is to stop the self-destructive patterns and find a life that is grounded in healthy living and selflove.
Find an SLAA meeting in your city
The healing of sex/love addiction focuses on controlling the addictive behavior and helping the person develop a healthy sexuality, sense of relating and self. Treatment can also include education about healthy sexuality, individual counseling, and marital and/or family therapy.
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