Some Thoughts On A blue Day

I am down
I miss my old friends and family
I miss having somebody to trust by my side
I wake up in the morning missing having somebody to kiss and tell my weird dream to

People think its all fun and easy starting over in a new contry, but I have never found it to be so
Its difficult having to think hard every time you want to speak, becaue its not your motherlanguage.
Its difficult being alone in a place that is all new to you
Its difficult when everything is unknown and nothing feels comforting and safe
I am bordering on a depression now and I just feel like I need a really long and good hug and some comforting words whispered in my ear, but I am all alone.

Yes I am alone, and I feel even more alone here in Spain.
But after many years of seeing that for some reason love seems like a more difficult path for me to find, I have made peace with the thought that I might very well end up alone.
That is okay. I have so many weird ways and strange standards, fears and passions that I have trouble seeing something lasting by my side or somebody really understanding me or being able to give what I want (I can be very demanding in my way) and receive all I give (cause when I start to get interested in someone I sometimes I give "too much" of myself)
In many ways I love being alone too, but in many ways I dont.

I am a weird combination of fears and trust, independance and need , strenght and weakness love and flight and I just whished somebody would get it, but the hope I have has become very small through the years.

So, I guess I will come through this, as I always do.
And get my good mood back, which I am so used to having, but which seem to have dissapeared in the air of Spain.
And the inner strenght I felt so well, the feeling of being me, which pumped so steady through my wains, but no is a soft whisper I beary can hear.