Norwegian poetry I

As always, I am no fan of translations, because so much is normally lost in them. I don't like the English version of this that much, but I want the people who don't read Norwegian to read it as well, so I post both. The Norwegian version is in nynorsk, which has a very beautiful way of it that is melodious and perfect for poetry.
This poem is truly beautiful and one of my favourites

Hope you´ll enjoy

~ Aasa

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It's the Dream

It's the dream we carry in secret
that something miraculous will happen
that it must happen --
that time will open
that the heart will open
that doors will open
that the mountains will open
that springs will gush --
that the dream will open
that one morning we will glide into
some harbor we didn't know was there..


Det er den draumen

Det er den draumen me ber på
at noko vidunderlig skal skje,
at det må skje -
at tidi skal opna seg,
at hjarta skal opna seg,
at dører skal opna seg,
at berget skal opna seg
at kjeldor skal springa -
at draumen skal opna seg,
at me ei morgonstund skal glida inn
på ein våg me ikkje har visst um.

~ Olav H Hauge

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I am also a big fan of this Norwegian poet.


I hold your head

~ Stein Mehren

I hold your head
in my hands, as you hold
my heart in your affection
as everything holds and is
held by something other than itself
As the sea lifts a stone
to its strands, as the tree
holds the ripe fruit of autumn, as
the world is lifted through worlds and space
So are we both held by something and lifted
to where mystery holds mystery in its hand

Jeg holder ditt hode

Jeg holder ditt hode
i mine hender, som du holder
mitt hjerte i din ømhet
slik allting holder og blir
holdt av noe annet enn seg selv
Slik havet løfter en sten
til sine strender, slik treet
holder høstens modne frukter, slik
kloden løftes gjennom kloders rom
Slik holdes vi begge av noe
og løftes
dit gåte holder gåte i sin hånd

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Fatherfucker

A re-post from 2006

I have discovered an artist which I really enjoy, for several reasons. I have always liked several kinds of music, everything from metal, rock, jazz to electropunk.
This time it is Peaches. A woman who a first glance just seem to be a singer getting famous through sexually provocative lyrics and shows. And this is a quite popular opionion. here has been many quotes about her, like "The title Impeach my Bush, may suggest otherwise but Merrill Nisker (known as Peaches) is concerned with sex and little else. Which is no bad thing, to Dan Martin's mind"
- Dan Martin, The Observer
But looking a little closer, this woman is truly great and has, in my opinion, a lot to offer more than catchy tunes and sex.

Peaches is provocative, but not mindlessly and manipulative to get fame and attention.
One of the reasons she is provocative is because the mainstream dictates that women be the objects of desire, not the agents of it. And Peaches reaches out and grabs us by the balls.

-"Well, I'll be happy when it's not provocative." she says
But still society seems to react strongly to her messages.
"If I'm saying two boys for every girl, it's like Jan and Dean saying 'two girls for every boy'. I don't really understand why it's normal and accepted when it's said in that context, just because it's something we're used to." she says

She takes the things we are used to for women and take for granted, and switch it around to count for men as well. One example is one her albums called Fatherfucker. The title alone seemed to indicate her move towards more actively subverting the standard gender norms and double-standards. A kind of Regender exercise for sex. As she says:

"Why do we stub our toe and say, ‘Aww motherfucker!’? What is a motherfucker? … We use it in our everyday language, and it’s such an insanely intense word. I’m not one to shy away from these obscene terms that we actually have in our mainstream. Motherfucker is a very mainstream word. But if we’re going to use motherfucker, why don’t we use fatherfucker? I’m just trying to be even.

This girl has an uncompromising attitude towards women’s sexuality, and is not afrad to show it
She also scores points for not fitting in with the glamour model standards of beauty which demands of women before they can have an opinion on sex. One of her tracks has referenced her cup size of AA, she’s donned a beard for the cover of one album, and photos of her regularly show pubic hair protuding unapologetically from her bright pink shiny pants. Wow.

Hit it Hard, includes the line “make a woman a man and a man can-can”. Boys Wanna Be Her describes some rockin’ female star who inspires the admiration of boys and girls alike, in fact “the boys wanna be her” (as we all know, for a boy to want to associate with anything female is A Very Bad Thing).

This track can remind of something sais by Abby Lee, who wrote recently:

"It’s 2007 and when it comes to sexual material for the heterosexual women, I’m bored of only being offered female imagery - as if everyone, men and women included, should find that stimulating…. I’m all for a more open and uncensored sexually liberated society, but if women are still going to be marginalied purely as objects for men’s pleasure and not as the subjects seeking and obtaining pleasure in their own right, then I’m destined to be a moody fucking bitch who will not shut up about it."

And in my opinion it’s not good enough to simply have things for women that are the same as they are for men now. There needs to be an emphasis on freedom, fairness, equality, consent and respect for both/all genders and importantly, not intruding on anyone’s preference to be free of sexual imagery imposed on them in their daily life.

But I don’t believe that Peaches messages are about switching things around to the extent that women are as objectifying or disrespectful towards men as some men are towards women. Equality, fairness and consent are indeed features. In Get It, there’s a simple message: “you wanna get it/give it/got it? well it may sound like a simple idea but/to get it gotta give it”

Two Guys (For Every Girl) is a track that’s had a lot of attention. At a time when in practically every music video you see sexy ‘babes’ groping each other, the cover of every lad mag magazine has two nude girls, breasts pressing together pouting, the UK’s most successful sex magazine aimed at heterosexual women (Scarlet) always has a woman on the cover and regularly includes pseudo-lesbian imagery, simply reversing the genders in this track actually IS subversive.

"Come over here hot boys don’t you worry I’m nice…
i got a lusty proposition that I know will suffice
let me lay out this condition that I know will entice
i wanna take you home and get you satisfied…
just one thing i can’t compromise
i wanna see you work it guy on guy
i wanna see you boys get down with each other
i wanna see you do you’re lil nasty brother"

This is taken from her interview in the February/March 2006 issue of Bust:

Interviewer: Do you think it was at all empowering for girls to see Madonna and Britney kiss?

Peaches: It was good for publicity. I’d like to see Justin Timberlake and Pharrell Williams make out on stage; that’s way more subversive to me than seeing Madonna and Britney Spears. I think girls are so ahead. That’s what Fatherfucker was all about. It’s like, ‘boys, shake your dicks.’ How many songs tell women to ‘shake your ass’? Or, I’m watching those VH1 specials on ass and every time they mention a guy’s ass they’re like, ‘I don’t wanna see that, ehhh!’ But every time they mention a girl’s ass they’re like, ‘She’s got a great ass!’ It’s about time Pharrell Williams and Justin Timberlake or Snoop Dogg and fuckin’ Ludacris suck each others dicks for everybody to see, and release a video… I want every girl to go home with two guys if they want to. And I want two guys to impress the girl by making out in front of her.

But if you have been all shocked by her lyrics, then take a look again. She often says and makes things that reminds us to not take it too seriously.
With lyrics like: “Slippery dick? It’s just a fish in the Atlantic (note:and it is true)… fist fuck cock suck/what’s the diff?” she says innocently, like, what’s all the fuss about anyway? I like to think this is a comment on double-standards and how different sexual practices are viewed and treated. Does it matter what you do and who you do it with, as long as it’s consensual? No. It shouldn’t matter.

And anyway....I think she is HOT! Attitude yeah!

Even More Tao

I am very influenced by the thoughts and wisdom of Tao. And I find it a good guidance in times when I can feel confused and without inner answers myself. Here is more from the book of the Tao Te Ching. Enjoy!
- Åsa

Returning to the root is the movement of Tao.
Quietness is how it functions.

The ten thousand things are born of being.
Being is born of nothing.

--
Though others have faults,
Concentrate on your own.

Some people have the habit of blaming others. Perhaps all of us have this weakness. The list of scapegoats for our miseries is clever and endless. Parents, community, teachers, government, and even demons and gods are all invoked when we have problems. If difficulties truly come from the outside, the problem is not blame. For those cases, the course of action is very clear : Neutralize that influence. If the problem comes from within, the solution must come from within as well. Before you blame friends, relatives, or teachers for bad habits and shortsightedness, you should remember that no one is to blame but yourself.

It is an equal mistake to lose self-esteem simply because you have some flaws. Looking at your shortcomings and taking steps to eliminate them should be viewed as a dispassionate project. You are not worthless because you undertake to rise above your faults. That description is only for those who never attempt to perfect themselves. We all have a perfect core, a special self inside. That purity is perfect and holy; therefore, no one is worse than another.

We are all on this planet simply to reach back into that pure self. When we reach that spirit, there are no flaws and there is no blame.

Yes, I know it is a horrid clihee, but here I come with a song text. ANd quite a bad one in a way too, well at least simple. But still, I had a little someting that I enjoyed
Who knows, maybe you will too?
~ Aasa

I've had so many lives Since I was a child And I
realise How many times I've died I'm not that kind of
guy Sometimes I feel shy I think I can fly Closer to the
sky No ones telling you how to live your
life But it's a setup until you're
fed up This world is not so kind People trap your
mind
It's so hard to find Someone to admire

I… I sleep much better at night I feel closer to the light Now I'm gonna
try To improve my life No ones telling you how to live your
life But it's a setup until you're
fed up It's no good when you're
misunderstood But why should I care? What the
world thinks of me Won't let a stranger
Give me a social disease

Nobody, nobody knows meNobody knows meNobody knows meLike you know me

Won't let a stranger
Give me a social disease

I don't want no lies I don't watch TV I don't waste my time Won't read a magazine

Nobodynobodynobodynobody knows meNobody knows meNobody knows meLike you know me

Its no fun but the damage is done Don't want your social disease
Don't want your social disease

Nobody knows meNobody knows meNobody knows me
Don't want your social disease

Free Spotify Premium
Just answer a short survey, and get free Spotify premium
remeber to say no, it it will slide quickly trough
:-)
- Aasa

The Casanova complex

Recognize yourself in parts of the below description? :
Other forms of love and sex addiction
Positive redefinition. Find an other way of living by transforming your fears
Other articles I have written on the same theme:
- The high flyer
- The dance of the vounded souls
- The Phantom / The Dracul / The shadow


The Casanova:
- Escape through pleasure

Contrary to popular belief, people with the Casanova complex isn't necessarily compulsively drawn to sex, even though some of them might be highly sexually driven--the Casanova Complex is in its core about feeling good and escaping subconscious pain; it is about admiration, thrill and seduction, and this can be both physically or just emotionally. It is also not, as often thought, only men who suffer from this, it is just as common for women.

A Casanovas trademark is to pull you in very close to them at the start of your acquaintance. A Casanova will describe themselves as "good at reaching intimacy fast". And you might get exhilarated by the attention they give you in the beginning. It is like the sun is shining upon you. Though, suddenly, that sun is gone, and you ask yourself what happened, or what you did wrong. The answer is, you did nothing wrong. The typical Casanova pull you close and then later, push you away, this is their pattern. In their presence you will either feel adored and admired or devalued and dejected. And this might also be the inner reality of the Casanova. Some types have a inflated ego, feeling superior and strong. They feel fearless and invincible, and they do not feel empathy or deeper care for others. The other kind is the more neurotic one, having a quite codependent life, and inner fears they need to escape. But both have in common one thing, they both have a deeper conflict from within that fuels their actions, and which they are oftentimes not even aware of themselves: The Casanova cannot feel passionate/dramatic yearning for someone unless they are (to different degrees) out of reach (physically or emotionally). A person who's present, loving and available doesn't trigger the difficult emotions they learned as a child, which were about loving an unavailable parent.

Normally they act out of the impulses they get, which are the more "shallow feelings" their inner conflict produce: if they leave something it is because they feel boredom, they simply get tired of it, or just feel its interest and shine fade. In this they only feel the surface of their own conflict.
But deeply, the root to their need to seduce is their strong desire to be seen, to feel love, desire, connection and lust for somebody else. They yearn for that form of connection, as they longed for that unavailable parent as a child. They also often feel empty without these feelings of attraction and "love" present in their life; If they are simply alone, a void in their feelings might surface, their deeper feeling of emptiness. This is why Casanovas tend to more or less always have something going, either just longing and dreaming, a flirt, a fling, a relationship, or any other thing to keep them busy and away from their inner conflict. Their frantic need to remain attached is created by a lifetime of avoiding their own difficult feelings. If they have codependent features, they may also be obsessed with rescuing compulsions , but efforts to escape their core pain/emptiness will eventually be transferred to the need of rescuing somebody else, if you stay available to them.

The deeper conflict:

There are many fascets in the deeper conflict of the Casanova. I will try to describe some of them here. One part, that is the total opposite of the feelings of desire and love are their fears. This might be the fears of being abandoned or rejected. (They often carry deep wounds of being rejected either physically or emotionally in early childhood.) Or it might be the strong fear of loosing their freedom. They will always insist on their freedom, and be subconsciously terrified that you will take it away from them. Being committed might to them feel like being"tied down". It stirs their subconscious fear of loosing themselves. On an unknown level they feel like they will be forced, get bored, or even die. They can commit, and sometimes they even want to commit, but they can normally only commit when their object of desire is still out of reach in some way. Then their hidden fears will not arise, and they are can still play out their old pattern of battling and fighting for the closeness they fear so much.

The fear for deep closeness and commitment also has to them an old subconscious association with a feeling of being consumed by their loved one or by their own feelings. As a child they longed for this symbiosis with the parent, which they also at times felt. But this was also coupled with a total feeling of loss of control and their own identity; the feeling of disappearing into the other person and the other person being in control of them. This is also one of their oldest memories of loosing freedom.
And paradoxically enough, this is often also what a Casanova feels when they fall "fall in love". They borrow the other persons identity, and the borders between themselves and their object of desire are washed out; they loose themselves in the other person. This basically also happens because they have no strong limits, and the memory of the old merge with the parent is still there, driving them. And even though they may appear to have strong personalities, they have no really strong feeling of a self and don`t really at the core know who they are, so as a result they melt into the other person.
This ambivalence is what also fuels them. The need for desire, closeness and love, and the fear of being devoured if those needs are met. So they keep pushing and pulling, getting close and moving away. It is an endless circle of wanting and escaping.
If your relationship ends with a Casanova, no matter the form it had, they immediate need to replace you, to continue the circle. This is how they avoid their fears to resurface when feeling left alone. The Casanova's middle name is Rebound.

A key and trigger to the Casanovas fears, if allowed being felt, (and something they always therefore avoid it), is boredom. Boredom to a Casanova is a red flag and one of their main enemies. It can nearly feel to them like a small death. Boredom, stillness, stability, routine and commitment brings up all the feelings of fear they are so good at, and have made a life-style out of escaping. But since they mostly feel things at the surface, and don`t allow them to enter deeply, the only thing they might feel when these fears are triggered is restlessness, emptiness, nervousness, longing or a need to move on to somewhere or somebody else, to search for the next stimulating experience. And this continues their endless circle.

The behaviors described above are compensatory behaviors that help one defend against inner fragility and usually take the form in various addictions and/or compulsions that undermine even the most sound relationship dynamics. Attachment ambivalence consistently derails their ability to maintain deep, meaningful ties. These individuals often feel that even though they might be quite emotional and sensitive on the surface level, deep down they don`t really care about anything. And they don`t really need anyone.
This impairment stems from childhood self-esteem concerns, that make it virtually impossible for them to be emotionally naked or genuine with a partner who's actually available; the abandonment risk that's triggered is way too frightening. Bottom line, if a person isn't comfortable with themself, how could they possibly be centered and straight with You?!

Casanova traits can also include impulsivity, lack of empathy and borders, poor self-worth, inability to hold difficult emotions or self-soothe, splitting (love you/hate you), rebound relationships, OCD or anxiety issues, addictive behavior (over eating, sex or love addiction, general pleasure addictions) an incapacity to want you--unless they can't have you, narcissism, grandiosity(I am the best, most unique, totally different etc), selective memory/recall, black or white thinking, control (avoiding all control or overly controlling) and codependency issues, etc.

All these conflicting feelings are part of what produces their, to others, highly confusing behavior.
I must again underline the fact that most of these conflicting feelings are oftentimes totally subconscious and the Casanova is living happily unaware of them, only giving into the impulses they make that surface to their consciousness. (Except, as I mentioned, in circumstances when boredom or rejection might make them surface.)


You and the Casanova:
- An endless circle

If you get entangled with a Casanova and only see the surface of what is happening, initially, you may be taken with their unique openness and vulnerability, which they oftentimes have to an abundance (at least as long as they haven`t won you over yet.) You might feel that it's refreshing to find a person who doesn't censor their feelings/thoughts, and seems emotionally accessible! It's incredible that this person appears so completely without guile, they almost instantly puts you at ease and inspires your trust.

Casanovas makes sure you know how grateful they are to have finally found you, because you're "like no other person" they have ever known. They are expert at fast intimacy, and draws you in early on. Their enthusiasm and glee seem authentic, and it is authentic, just only in the moment. And their enthusiasm is not really about you (although it certainly feels that way.) The Casanova falls in love with image they create of you in their mind, they adore it, they dream about it, they lust for it. You are the perfect person to them at this stage, and idealisation. This is what thrills them and gives them a deep feeling of pleasure, and they want nothing more than this. It is the thrill and feeling of love they have then that they do all this for. They feel totally alive through this fantasy that they create about you. Combined with the admiration and attention you feed back to them, they are high on your connection.

So maybe you feel that you're appreciated for your qualities and attributes, and admired/respected for the person you've become. Because the Casanovas are extremely attentive at first, and often wants to be with you constantly. They shower you with attention--which is like music to your soul. As this courtship picks up speed, you feel fortunate to have found such a considerate, loving, thoughtful partner--but just as you begin trusting that their pronouncements of love are genuine and start envisioning your future together, things change. As soon as a Casanovas senses you're really Theirs, they distance themselves, shuts down and/or finds fault with you. The chase is over, and also their thrill in it. What they sought in it is not there anymore. And if you don`t produce a new obstacles for them to climb, or create more distance for them to win over, and start the entire dance one more time, they will vanish. This Dr. Jekyll - Mr. Hyde split in behavior and demeanor is a dead giveaway that you're involved with a Casanova complex person.

So yes, "love" is blind. When you're with a Casanova, you'll see only what you want to see about this person--and you won't begin to wake up until they drop you on your head, and you're left with feelings of pain and feelings of rejection. Even then, a lot of people will still not leave the Casanova, in hope for "the good times" to return. These so-called "good times" will only return if you setup the theater stage for it to be played again, making yourself out of their reach. And then again as always, the moment you display devotion, they will put a fence between you, themselves and the possibility for real closeness.

So as I mentioned before, the chase itself is what is intoxicating for them, the attention they get and the admiration that is mirrored from their object of desire flows their deflated ego with a good, warm feeling. Their repressed low self-esteem or different fears is patched up by your attention and love. It is the conquest of you that drives them, the confirmation they feel of their worth when they win you over--outside of that, they get bored, because love itself is not their goal.
It never was, because they still have not experienced it for real. The Casanova only knows pseudo-love, and selfish love created for their own needs. These people are love-avoidant. It's not that they haven't wanted love, some of them even yearn for this more than anything--it's just that on an unconscious level they've never been able to trust it. You will not change this, no matter how much you adore them, or how 'safe' you make it for them emotionally, or how much you love them. They can only change themselves by breaking their pattern. And you are part of their pattern.

An important aspect of living close or having a relationship to a Casanova is their subconsciously ambivalent feelings, which might end up driving you crazy. The contradictions and mixed messages will just keep coming (because of their inner conflict). They are deeply confused about what they really want, so the mixed messages are more or less their trademark. Not because they want to confuse you, they just don`t really know themselves. And they subconsciously want so opposite things at the same time.

At first, if you really like this person, you might sweep this under the rug, and find ways to excuse them--but it get's tougher to feel like you're on solid ground when the rules keep changing all the time. For example; they might insists that you learn to sleep very close or entwined--but just as you get accustomed to it, you'll begin finding them on the farthest side of the bed. If you approach this subject, they'll scold you for not bringing it up sooner--and make it seem like your failing. Their push and pull when it comes to closeness is shown in most aspects and areas of their lives.

You may be a strong, well-established, successful person with a mind of your own, but the Casanova has an uncanny ability to wear you down until you're second-guessing and doubting yourself. Fairly soon after your romance takes flight, they could coax you to "open up" or let down your guard, and trust them more. Up to this point, their behaviors have been loving--but you've gone with your instincts so far, and it takes you awhile to let someone in really close.
A long-time friend eventually succumbed to the cajoling of such a male. The minute she dropped her armor and gave him access to her softer, vulnerable side, he got bored, phoned less, and found fault with her.

Casanova often has some subconscious self-worth issues, so their only way of gauging if a partner finds them worthy of their time or interest, is by noticing their early willingness for "intimacy" / emotional or sexual contact; That's their barometer. They'll cast aside any partner who views them as being deeply lovable or worthy of admiration and doesn`t offer the thrill they find in "being won over". Why should they take interest? They need the challenge to seduce and conquer.

Your typical Casanova lover is very sensitive on the surface--to well, just about everything. If you stay with this person on a long term, you might see them change a lot. If you actually mange to get them really close, their real and deeper conflicts will arise.
This doesn't mean they won't be sweet to you at times, or even generous. They thrill on this, but only if they need to win you over and gets the gratification of your attention from it. They are stuck in the need for seduction, in any form it comes.
This also shows in their committed relationships. In these situations their determination to please you wanes--unless they can keep seducing you, when your attention is diverted by something, or someone else. The Casanova kicks into high gear to win you over, only if there's threat of losing you. His grandiose ego can't tolerate competition, yet he thrives on it. The 'seduction phase' feels activating and heady--and (like all addictions) floods him with sensations of aliveness. He literally lives for these episodes, because he feels empty and dead inside, without them.

These are individuals in a lot of inner pain, they just don`t always know it themselves, or if they have a feeling of it, they don`t allow it to fully surface. They feel it in the flash of a moment of rejection, and this might just pull them into obsessing about the person who rejected them, avoiding the pain that surfaced by winning that person over.
Casanovas might be masters at avoiding conflict and pain, because instead they might also tend to pull themselves towards the good specter of feelings. And their ability to escape their own pain by living the Casanova lifestyle is tremendous. They fill their lives with thrills, seduction and amorous feelings. They always try to pull themselves away from the "bad" feelings and into the sphere where they always are happy and content. With a life of subconscious escape, they sometimes are not even aware of it themselves. But a Casanova will always come to a point in life where they really will feel the emptiness they have created and the void of meaning their life-style has made. And this might be, if they are willing to be open to it, their turning point, the opportunity to change. Don`t think you can rescue them. It is impossible for any other than themselves to do that. And only if they get aware of their own patterns, the healing might start. And never forget, if you feel like this fits you. These are people with great capacity for emotion, intimacy and connecting with others. They only have to battle their fears so they can actually access it in a healthy way instead of destructive. :-)

Hope you had some value of this article, and maybe it gave you a few insights to even avoid a toxic relationship, let go of somebody that is bad for you, or maybe even realize that you are living in a Casanova manner that it hurting your true ability to love. No matter what it might be, the best of luck to you! :-)
- Aasa

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Much of the information in this article is taken from the book:
The Casanova Complex: Compulsive Lovers and Their Women
LINKS:
Did you recognize yourself in any of this? Then have a look at these links:
Positive redefinition. Find an other way of living by transforming your fears
Are you a love addict? Self test
Sex and love addicts anonymous
Addicted to "Love": Understanding Dependencies of the Heart : Romance, Relationships, and Sex
For you who have been a victim of a compusive lover:
The vounded woman by Linda Schierse Leonard
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person

This post is a tribute to trees

I love trees,
in every shape and shade
And one of the best parts of
it all is that you can climb them
And sit high up in the top and
smell the scent of the tree
and listen to the brush
of the leaves in the wind
and look far, far away from your little hide in the top
Life alwasy is wonderful when you are in a tree









I think I am secretly in love with trees

Var jeg et tre

Av Arnulf Øverland

Var jegt et tre,
hadde jeg stille gleder.
Det vilde komme til meg fra fjerne steder,
bare jeg lot det skje.
Fuglene bodde hos mig og bygget reder,
– jeg kunde stå ved en vei:
trette menneskebarn skulde trygge
søke min skygge;
alt vilde komme til mig!

Blest vilde bruse i mig,
bier bære mitt støv,
dagene drive forbi mig,
nettene dugge mitt løv!

Hen over jorden skrider
årets tider.
De skulde gjennemstrømme mig, alle.
Frukt skulde tynge mig
og mine blader falle,
våren atter forynge mig!
Under de stumme stjernene
skulde jeg sove min søvn i sne,
var jeg et tre!

If I was a tree

If I was a tree
silent joys would I have
From afar they would come to me
if I only let it be
The birds would live and build nests in me
I could stand by a road
tired children could comfortly seek
my shadow
everything would come to me!

The wind would brush in me
my pollen be carried by bees
slowly the days drift away
the nights make dew on my leaves!

All over earth travels
the seasons of time
All they would fill me
Heavy with fruits I would be
and my leaves would fall to the ground
the spring would again renew me
Under the silent stars
I would sleep my dreams in snow
if I was a tree!

dikt

INNBYING

Vil du gje meg handa ved månens skin,
lauv du er --
Under open himmel. Over open avgrunn.

Som lauv
er du og eg.
Fort skjelvande,
og fort borte.
Kom --

~ Tarjei Vesaas

DU
Sakte, med sikker
hånd, tar du kniven
og risper bort
det harde nøtteskallet som
svir og bretter seg rundt
det bløte
og hva renner
ut av sarte kronblader?
Du forundrer meg til stadighet

Night magic

~ A re-post from 2006

I ran through the forest, felt the soft and cold touch of the winter night.
In my mind the old symbols whispered through me, and came out as figures in the dark.
An animal cried out so softly from a hill, the spirits of the forest whispered in my mind.
I left the path and got lost behind the trees. Without a road, I was walking, between the smell of wet leaves. In the shimmering dew from an old oak tree I sat down.
I could feel the old symbols coming to me, touching who I was, deeply. I could see her white feet, glimmering in the dark night, like moonlight. She bore red berries in her hair, and leaves she carried as a bouquet, as if it was her wedding day. I could feel his presence behind a rock, he was standing there, watching me, silently. This is the night when you can return. This is the night you can remember. Don't forget. This is the night you can live the life of your fantasies. They made love in the wet grass. A unity of the powers from within. The meltdown of the opposites, creating a balance. The world is what you see. In your eyes you create your own life. Which life do you choose it to be?

Run out in the night
~ Aasa

relatinship

I have been a lot around a person lately that is driving me insane.
I don't want to say who it is, cause it´s a person I love very much and don´t want to talk shit about anybody like that either, so I will keep it anonymous.(And please don´t try to guess who it is)

But the thing is, I really need to get somethinging out about it, so I will write a little here.
Keep in mind that this is just my side of it all, so I guess a lot of neuances fall away.

She is so manipulating is getting on my nerves. And she cannot see it herself.
In the beginning when we are around each other everything is well and we get along perfectly and have a really good time. But after a while her stuff kicks in and she starts picking on me. Jumping up for the weirdest things and making me feel like shit about something I don't get at all. Never able to ask directly for what she needs or the things she feels, just manipulations all over.

First she gets mad. Often it´s for something I don´t get at all, like she asked me if I could go turn the heater off, and I didn´t want to right then cause I was bussy, so I said I would do it in a while. Then she gets totally mad and says that I am super-selfish and don´t know how to show care for her. (Obviously. I have always found switching of heaters to be a sign of care, heh)

....but she isn´t even directly mad, it´s just that hard "you should fear me and feel ashamed of yourself" -voice and her body freezes up and looks all "roboty".
I would prefer it a 1000 times if she just yelled at me.
Then either two things can happen.
1: She keeps this act and I try to stay calm, because I really don´t want a fight, until she pushes me to the edge and I explode and start yelling at her
2: She keeps pushing but I manage to stay calm and don´t get trapped in her ways.

Then if nr 2 happens, that I don´t respond to her ways, she gets all, "Now we should make up and pretend everything is fine"
At this point I am normally so pissed of because the way she is treating me and the last thing I want to do is to "make it good again"...I just want her to leave me alone and sod off.

And then when I don´t want to "make up" about it, I she pulls the "guilt-load" over my head.
I am so bad and selfish that don´t want to make up when she is comming here, trying to make things good again (She plays the perfect martyr) And it is always her that tries to apologize.

Very often she has a sertain pattern to the entire thing, and if I don´t do as excpected she flips and I am bad.
Like, I don´t want to apologize for soemthing I don´t feel I did wrong.
But to her apologizing is a sort of way to get to be friends again. It a standard thing you have to do after a fight, or there is something wrong.
I dont feel like that. Sometimes both think they did right and one can agree to disagree or something like that.
Of course it is important to be able to say you are sorry, if you really feel and know that you have done something unjust.
But oooh nooo, we have to follow the "sceme"......

I just want to scream and leave and move across she other side of the world so I never see her again.
But still I love her.

It´s hard and it´s getting on my nerves.
I just want to hang and have a good time.
Dammit!

Repeating Cycle of Love Addicts in Relating

First the Love Addict is attracted to the other person, because they seem powerfull and strong. This is usually an Avoidance Addict (or another Love Addict).

Fantasies are triggered and the Love Addict feels high. "It's karma, destiny, fate, we're soulmates. Our connection is magical, we explode together, the sex is the best ever... etc etc"

The Love Addict feels relief from the pain of loneliness, emptiness and not mattering. Feels high and elated, like it is the best feeling in the world and nothing can compare to it.

The Love Addict begins to enmesh with the partner, wanting more and more attention, sex, or whatever the addict feels as the strongest high, showing more neediness, want and desire. Partner starts by this to move away. The Love Addict denies the reality of this moving away by the avoidant, denies feeling and being abandoned by the partner. This denial protects against the agony of rejection and abandonment.

Eventually the Love Addict begins to be aware of the abandonment, and the denial slowly crumbles,- Is starting to really feel the rejection they fear so much. Reactions that follows differ much from each addict to an other, but can be any of the following:
Obsessing; Extreme focus on partner; must know or think about what partner is doing at all times. Talk to others about it, and think abuot it constantly. May rage and get hysterical; may bargain, threaten. Some will stalk, or obsessively call or textmessage. Quite common is also to just endure it silently and say nothing to the other part, but be in a costant state of agony. May call partner's boss, announce to others to gain sympathy. May dress more seductively, go on vacation with partner, have affairs, showing extreme neediness to lure partner back. Relationship becomes more and more toxic.

Love Addict enters withdrawal. (Avoidance Addict fares better – just leaves). Love Addict’s original feelings of childhood are activated along with adult feelings of current abandonment. Pain, fear, anger, jealousy, emptiness, overwhelm,

hopelessness. Extremely intense depression and suicidal feelings. Fear becomes anxiety and panic. Anger becomes frustration, rage, or homicidal jealousy. As a result of this loss, the Love addict may also face loss of income, house,

being a single parent. Love Addict may be so overwhelmed that s/he goes into withdrawal or jumps to next point in cycle, obsession. This behavior shifts them outside of their painful feelings.

Love Addict now obsesses how to get the Avoidance Addict to return; or dreams about being rescued; or fantasizes about having a better lover; or ruminates how to get even with the Avoidance Addict partner; or contemplates indulging in

another addiction like food or drugs to numb the pain; or plans another sexual encounter with a new partner to avoid being alone.

Love Addict now compulsively acts out the obsessive plans. Get drugs, food at 2am. Burn partner’s clothes. Go and beg partner to return, threaten suicide. Take overdose of pills. Kill partner, children and self. Go get laid.

Repeat cycle either with the returning partner or the ensnared new partner.

dikt

jeg har øyne i håret
som blåser med vinden
og strekker seg mot
et smil uten ønske
og hjerte uten gripehender

jeg vil vite hva vi egentlig tror på
og hva vi gjemmer bort i mellomrommet
mellom tankene våre
i håpet på det der ute

....

flommer av lyst
til å ta et sugerør
og slurpe i meg hele deg pent og stille
med en vennlig borgerfruemine
men med intens kraft
fra mine lunger
eksplosivt innadgående åndedrett
som en kanibalsk hyllest til den ukjente kjærligheten

flooding with lust
to take a straw
and slurp you up nice and quietly
with a frinedly housewife smile
but with intense force
from my lungs
explosive inward respiration
like a cannibalistic tribute to the unknown love

Swimming pills

~ A repost from 2005

I have just taken a sleeping-pill one time in my life, as I stay off medicines in general.
But here you see the result. Enjoy!
~ Aasa

SLeepnipills !!!!!!!!!"""WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I took a sleepingpill now/--------/----------<
nnnnnnnnoonnnnoonnnnoonnn is is /rt? am I dreaming now????
nnonnnnoooonnnnnnonnnnnonIguess I was sousted tbe sellkeding no, but I get te weirdest thguhts ion yous %%%%%%%%%%%%%/%%%%%%%skeeppingsills åå /
tis is thwe end, besutifu/lkytr frinds the end. fkisten to you acn ehas them crack that
crack carkc carkc acrkav cakradvfdhfsjfvaCACRAKCARK CARK CRAK CRKA that littel tiny shell jhe hed under his feef,. CRACK crackfbsbjnnevermnback neverevernabback
"%&&hhhhhhhhhhhhan ikke men jeg
jeg kan BEAUTY IS : --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<
It made me weird øøøøø /9999999999999999999999999999999666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666
I like it-------------/----W/ e c a n b e a t ------------------------------i-------t-/
I t sliek 1 min more acuse i dton dtake anything fake
wow this /feels surreal------?-W-H-O-?----------------/////////////////////////////
//I said it. in genrealt he was reakkly he had a lot of troubel he shou,get seom help I really mane it I do --/ ---poo r fllw
should he -----------------------------------/ ------------/////////shoot?//----------------------------/***********************************************************************************************************************************
//------------------/--------------------/
the keyborad m//akes a noce liek a bug beign crushed slowly to death. slllloooowly you can hear its intetines getting smashed uo and she shell crack inside the kerboard
krikketicrackectcrcrcrcrctaptapppp

Comix, kinda funny

Book recommendation

I recommend with all
of my heart, Siddhartha,
by Herman Hesse.

It is so beautiful
I cried and laughed
at the same time repeatedly.

I recognized so much of my
own inner journey
in this description,
and it was a wonder to read.

I read it first time when I was 15,
and after that I have read it
again many times.
Only to discover something
new each time.

Run out and buy it now! ;-)

Random arguable facts

Everything is nothing and nothing is everything

People are too scared of pain and sorrows

The seahorse male gives birth, instead of the female

Sex is not at all overrated, neither is romance

Too many people die before they die

I am in love with life, is life in love with me?

Bananas have a funny greenishyellow colour

Most people don't know themselves, even though they think they do

A shooting star has nothing to do with stars

There is a secret country where left socks, pens and lighters live in harmony with each other

dikt

Smil

smiler med jobb hver dag dette
skal du ønske deg smil
smil
på bussen i gata på vei
til det du skal ha
med klokka riktig
vei du vil ha
suksess du vil
finne deg selv
smil for du skal kjøpe deg
et hjem et hus
smil mens du kjøper deg
barn og familie
men hva om du en dag
sier det andre
se hvordan hodene
snur seg hodet mot
deg ser deg ikke
i øynene lenge men
et kort øyeblikk
sier de jeg ser deg jeg ser hva du gjør jeg ser at du har tråkket utenfor jeg gir deg min skam vet du ikke du skal ikke ønske deg
livets myke pulsslag mot trommehinnen
spisse ører i nattens indre landskap

ikke ønske deg
smil


Smile

smiles with your job every day this
is what you want smile
smile
on the bus in the street on the way
to what you should have
at time
the right way you want
success you will
find yourself
smile for you will buy
a home a house
smile for you will buy
children and a family
but what if one day you
say the other thing
how the heads
turn towards
you don´t look you
in the eyes long but
briefly
they say I see you I see what you do I see that you have stepped outside the borders I give you my shame do you not know you shouldn´t wish for
you know what you should want not
lifes soft pulse beat against the eardrum
pointed ears in the night's inner landscape

you shouldn´t wish

What is it with those of us who seem to be born with a restless soul? A gypsy heart?
Are we fleeing from something?
Or are we some of the few who live life to the fullest, each moment new and eternal?
Will we ever find rest?
Are we supposed to find rest in life?

- Aasa


The wayward wind
- Patsy Cline

Oh, the wayward wind is a restless wind
A restless wind that yearns to wander
And I was born the next of kin
The next of kin to the wayward wind

In a lonely shack by a railroad track
I spent my younger days
And I guess the sound of the outward bound
Made me a slave to my wand'ring ways

Oh I met a boy in a border town
I vowed we'd never part
Tho' I tried my best to settle down
He's now alone with a broken heart

Oh, I met him there in a border town
He vowed we'd never part
Tho' he tried his best to settle down
Now I'm alone with a broken heart

And the wayward wind is a restless wind
A restless wind that yearns to wander
And I was born the next of kin
The next of kin to the wayward wind
The next of kin to the wayward wind

...

I Have Seen A Butterfly
- Lisa Ekdahl
(Translated from Swedish)

I have seen a butterfly
this butterfly was blue
I have seen a butterfly
so beautifully flying by
I wanted to hold
this beauty in my hand
but beauty cannot be held
it is just something you glimpse
once in a while

I have often thought of you
of what you told me, what you knew
and how you awakened all the dreams
I had strangled with my self-despise
You are just as beautiful
like this butterfly I saw
as eternal and fluid are you
as the changeable blue waves of the sea

I have seen a butterfly
a butterfly flew by
I have seen a butterfly
free of melancholy
I wanted to hold
this freedom in my hand
but freedom cannot be held
but if I open my hand
it may rest there
now and then

if I open up my hand
it can rest there
sometimes

.........


Running to stand still
-U2

And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was lying still
Said I, I got to do something
About where I'm going
Step on a steam train
Step out of the driving rain
Maybe run from the darkness in the night

Sing now

Singing ha la la la de day
Ha la la la de day ha la la de day

Sweet the sin
Bitter the taste in my mouth
I see seven towers
But I only see one way out
You got to cry with out weeping
Talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice
You know I took the poison from the poison stream
Then I floated out of here

Singing ha la la la de day
Ha la la la de day ha la la de day

She runs through the streets
With her eyes painted red
Under a black belly of cloud in the rain
In through a doorway she brings me
White gold and pearls stolen from the sea
She is raging, she is raging
And a storm blows up in her eyes
She will suffer the needle chill
She is running to stand still

...

I still haven't found what I'm looking for
- U2

I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
But yes I'm still running.
You broke the bonds
You loosened the chains
You carried the cross
And my shame
And my shame
You know I believed it
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for

(PS: Not a christian personally, but love the theme of that song anyway)

dikt

Noen veier ligner
som minnet om en gjenglemt gate
et sted du har besøkt i søvne

de får deg til å smile
som en hjemkommen katt

du er tilbake
........
A distant longing can be sensed
singing in the bushes
Close your eyes
and touch the grass with your feet
ever so gently
It is an old forgotten song
maybe from childhood
but behind these hills,
shivering in the trees,
they soak your body with life again,
and wander with you thought the blue shadows.
...
jeg strekker meg utover og blandes med skyene
jeg er et tre med blodets vind i årene,
som kjenner blader folde seg forskende ut

jeg strekkes høyere, raskere, videre
til alt i meg drar
opp, opp, opp og forbi
til sluttens rennende overgivelse
mykt og sakte utover

der sprenges mørke, bølgende skyer
av mine nyfunnede røtter
der ser jeg bakken langt nede
hvor du står igjen

nå smiler jeg
endelig

farvel
...

Here is a beautiful poem about death
I heard recently and felt like sharing.
~ Aasa

Do not stand at my grave and weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

~ Mary Elizabeth Frye