Everything is nothing and nothing is everything

I wonder.
I wonder what reality really is.
....
I look around and I see so many faces.
Is what I see real?
Or am fooled by myself?
Is it real, the things I see, through that little filter called my eyes and brain? Or is it just perceptions, made up be me?
Maybe just one of 50000000000 ways to see it.

I feel it spinning sometimes.
Its feels like I am behind a grand veil, and I am trying to look behind it, but I cant - I only see shadows of what is real, and these shadows I have to give my own names and thoughts. I can´t grasp reality, I am too ME to see truly objective. To pushed down by what I have learned. I am trapped in a system of blood, pulse, brain....Past, emotions, interpretations. How can I cut through myself? How can anyone?

Sometimes I feel like its the other way around. Reality feels so real, so real that it almost hurts.
It feels like the meaning is to just BE, let go, flow, be one with all. Its like its all true, even the lies! The lies are truths and the truths are lies. It all blends and create a beautiful pattern called reality. (Do I even make sense now?)
This can seem so right, my entire self beats in tune with this sensation of just being!

But then, all of a sudden, I am back in the veil. And the world is illusions again. The world is what I make it -how I create it. My projections are powerful, almost so powerful that I dont want to know them. Something inside me is tempted to deny it and lie to myself. Because the perceptions make my life seem a fraud, they make it all look fake, a creation in my mind, my spirit, my subconsciousness. And in those times it all looks ugly. I am caged and I dont feel free. I want to escape this trap called "my mind" and be truly real! But what is that??

But sometimes I can see a track - a path. The pattern in my life takes me on a road. Its a web behind it all.
Maybe all of my observations are true at once - The veil and the flow. Its all true and a lie at once, and this inconsistency makes perfectly sense!
We humans seem to think that good and bad things, or opositions cant coexsist- The human brain wants simplicity, it wants black and white, not tones of grey.
We need to practice to see the grays as well.
I want to see them - Have the courage to try and not hide from reality. I want to find the truth!
But it seems so cruel and beautiful and it often scares me.
When I think I have found a truth, I cannot help to question it again, it seems like I never will find peace in just believing. But the world is alwasy changing, so why not the truths?

Its only one thing I know for sure and see clearly - The big responsibility I have -

I am given a life! - its so huge!

Cruel and beautiful!