Sorrows and gifts

To those in the world who make me feel sorrow or difficulties in my life;
Thank you for teaching me more about myslf and what I need to improve.
First it is hard and painful,- I don´t want it and struggle against what is happening. But then when I stop to truggle against "what is" and accept it, I understand that when it is here it can make me open myself more. Then I start learning from it instead of fighting it. It shows me what I need to change, and what thoughts I need to adjust. So I am truly grateful for it. It is a gift.
I just wanted to share this now in Christmas, when we have such a beautiful tradition of focusing on love and sharing :-)
- Åsa
PS: Here is a picture I took of a flower called "The Christmas Rose"

Ja visst gör det ont
- Karin Boye

Ja visst gör det ont

Ja visst gör det ont när knoppar brister.
Varför skulle annars våren tveka?
Varför skulle all vår heta längtan
bindas i det frusna bitterbleka?
Höljet var ju knoppen hela vintern.
Vad är det för nytt, som tär och spränger?
Ja visst gör det ont när knoppar brister,
ont för det som växer

och det som stänger.

Ja nog är det svårt när droppar faller.
Skälvande av ängslan tungt de hänger,
klamrar sig vid kvisten, sväller, glider -
tyngden drar dem neråt, hur de klänger.
Svårt att vara oviss, rädd och delad,
svårt att känna djupet dra och kalla,
ändå sitta kvar och bara darra -
svårt att vilja stanna

och vilja falla.

Då, när det är värst och inget hjälper,
Brister som i jubel trädets knoppar.
Då, när ingen rädsla längre håller,
faller i ett glitter kvistens droppar
glömmer att de skrämdes av det nya
glömmer att de ängslades för färden -
känner en sekund sin största trygghet,
vilar i den tillit

som skapar världen.

Seeking...

A repost from 2006

ooxx-xxoo-o-ooxx-xxoo-o-ooxx-xxoo-o-ooxx-xxoo-o-ooxx-xxoo

permanent travel companinon...
obsessed about medieval times
creative and artistick
passionate
decicive
playful
optimistic
intelligent
sexy (yes, I am shallow, ha ha)
driven by a deeper passion for life and arts
and able to explore the darker sides of life

to be blown like the wind through the world and
explore the very essece of being, freedom, sensuality and discovery

Damn, it would have been nice to meet such a person.
Am I unrealistic?

ooxx-xxoo-o-ooxx-xxoo-o-ooxx-xxoo-o-ooxx-xxoo-o-ooxx-xxoo

~ Aasa ~

Dragon for sale.
(a re-post from 2006)

I know it has been a long time since I have told anything about Eyolf, the dragon that lives under my bed. (For you who don't know him, you can scroll down and read the post belove to get to know him better)
This is mainly because there has not been much to tell, we have been living harmoniously together for a long time now

He doesn't make much of himself, when I am there he either sleeps or sneak reads Harry Potter books. When I am not there he goes for a flying trip or steals fudge from my closet.

But now I have some news....and they are quite shocking.
I was talking to this Norwegian guy, who showed a lot of interest in Eyolf.
And after I had answered several questions about him, he offered to buy him.
Normally I would not have been interested at all, I would have been shocked and appalled.
The reasons being that:
1: He is not mine
2: I am stupid with money and in general I don't like it that much, I choose more or less to pretend that it doesn't exist.
3: Selling a dragon? I am not even sure if I am allowed to import him to Norway.
Where do they stand on dragon import? Has it changed since they entered the Schengen agreement?
4: Its not very nice - neither to him or the dragon, he can be quite moody. (the dragon I mean, the guy I don't know about)

So, these were my reasons, but then he mentioned the price.
He offered me 2000 hugs, an offer that I find very tempting.
It is like telling an alcoholic he will have booze for life.
So......do you my readers have any suggestions about what I should do?

~ Åsa

PS: I submitted the earlier posts I made about Eyolf for those of you who don't know him from before.

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11/6/05
Purple spotted dragon

A dragon has moved in under my bed
Its smallish compared to other dragons I have seen
and has purple spots all over
I haven't dared to ask its name yet, but if I work up the courage to do so I will tell you

So far we have pretended not to see each other
And every time he blows a little flame,
we both just roll our eyes and afterwards look up into the ceiling (or in his case, the bottom of my bed) pretending it was just very natural that the bed nearly went on fire.
I am not sure how long we can keep it up like this

xxxx
Aasa

PS: I haven't dared to take a photo of him so you will only get something that almost look like him. Think of him as a mix between the both.

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11/22/05
Dragon under my bed

My dragon was gone for a while.
I don't know if you remember him.
He lived under my bed for nearly a month, didn't even introduce himself,
and then one day all of a sudden, ha was just gone.
I was very puzzled.
So puzzled that I actually forgot to tell it to you.
I actually missed him

Sometimes when he was sleeping I could hear him talk in his sleep
Then he would suddenly make a little growl and blow the tiniest, cutest little flame into the air

One time he burned my toe
After that I slept more carefully and a lot lighter

But the good news is
NOW he is back
I came home today and heard somebody gnawing on something
I am not very familiar with gnawing-sounds coming from my room,
so I entered it with some precaution
There I saw his purple-spotted tail sticking out from under my bed

I must say it was a happy occasion
Maybe I will even try to introduce myself now

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1/23/06
Eyolf the dragon

It has been a long time since I told you all anything about the purple-spotted dragon under my bed
I have managed to find out that his name si Eyolf
He also likes Yogurt with coconut-taste (I know...it sounds disgusting, but it is really good actually) and fudge.
(He eats the ones I put on the floor, even the package around them, but he has never touched the strawberry-flavoured ones)

That's all for now
I will tell you more if I find out more

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4/23/06
Eyolf and fudge

I have news about Eyolf, my purple spotted dragon.. ....and they are quite peculiar

Turns out that somebody else knows Eyolf, probably he lived under their bed, before he came to mine.
And they have even written a book about him
Look!

Now, some of you might claim that "Fudge" is the name of the chimp (or whatever it is, it is not as pretty as Eyolf, so who cares?) on the cover of this book, but that only proves your lack of reality perspective. I am pretty sure the chimp is trying to steal fudge from Eyolf, it must be a book about how they rival for it. I understand them very well.
But Isn't it great?
I want to buy it!
~ Åsa

Smart post title

Hmmmmmmm
Blah blah blah
Some silly words
A picture or drawing for illustration
some more blah blah

A little more blah
some interesting words
more interesting sentences (maybe some that will make you think a littel extra)

some words trying to be insightful
or trying to understand something
more blah blah
Some quotes or references to a philosopher or psychologist / other
blah blah

some wishes and positive salutations to the people reading this blog and the people I know
...
more positive stuff
...
something to inspire you and make you feel good

a PS
a little extra blah blah
...

a hug or something similar

xxx
My name

This is from the book "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran

In my opinion, one of the most beautiful books ever written

On Love

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Read more from this book

---

The dance of the vounded souls

A re-post from 2006, for new readers to enjoy
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He was...
a painful sweet taste, a sudden brush of a dreaming wind,
a sight behind shimmering eyelids, and a rush of soft smells to her senses.

He was a flickering picture, water running through her mind.
A thought she yearned to posses, but never wanted to own, never

He was a touch, a distant color yet to be seen, an unopened dream,
a wish, a longing, a desire
to strong to ever be fulfilled.

He was too much,
too far away in her mind
from himself
from her
and she knew it.....again



Love Addiction consists of two components:
Romance and / or Sexual Addiction.

Love addiction is a condition common for many adults that once were abandoned children, emotionally or physically abandoned. It might spread from dependency on only romance or sex, to a mix of both components. What was common for these children was the suffering of not feeling deeply loved and accepted in a healthy way, with a support to reach individuality, strength and selflove from the parent/s. Maybe the parents needed them to much (codependency) or never really saw them. Oftentimes these parents never got the love and support in childhood they needed either, so they didn´t have the foundation to take learning from on how to it to pass it on to their own children. This is no matter how much they even wanted to, or in their own way might have loved their child.

Sex and love addicts often don´t realize their problem or seek help before in total crisis (divorce, painful emotional breakdowns etc) and some times not even then. Normally they will try to get out of crisis through controlling their pattern in their own way. Altering the behavior by being abstinent or trying a new pattern, getting an other form of addiction ect. This is just like the alcoholic swapping beer for wine and will never help anyone in the long run, because the underlying conditions for the addictions will still be there.
As the addicted think they derive some pleasure out of their pattern, they will very often cling to it as much as they can. The state of addiction involves a lot of denial of own feelings, so in the addicted state of mind the addict will likely not be aware of his/her own pattern. They will be tricked by their mind to believe they are perfectly in their right to behave as they do.
If you feel this might apply to you in any way at all, please keep on reading and keep an open mind. It might change your life.

Sex and love addiction can involve many different antics; it may be a strong desire to have sex, masturbate, watch porn. It might be an urge to flirt, have affairs / relations or just create romantic situations and connections. Or it might even be a pattern to fall into romantic situations that always leaves you feel hurt or vounded, always ending up in situations where love brings suffering to you. In one way or another, it involves romance, sex or love in a way that is not healthy for the person, even though they might think so in the stanges of intense pleasure.
All these things are normal for every human, but enters a non-healthy state when the person in fact cannot be without these attachments. (Or drastically goes totally abstinent in a way of trying to control it all) When being alone for a long period of time without these elements is difficult to a stronger degree, and brings up emotions as anxiety and the feeling of withdrawal pangs. Or the reverse - if every time you get involved with someone it also brings with it a lot of anxiety, stress and mixed emotions.
If a person has entered a later state of addiction, his/her behavior might start to get out of control and even to have negative impact on their life quality. Other tasks as work, health or important things that are essential to have a rich, fullworthy life, are set aside to give room for the addition. The addiction takes the main role of that persons life, and this spiral only increases with time. Being a sex and / or love addict means your desires for these things are significantly impinging on your life in a negative way. These feelings and behaviors cause a great deal of shame, hopelessness and confusion for the addict, but at the same time the drive and urge for them are also extremely strong. It creates a feeling of meaning and being alive, because they have not developed a truly healthy relatonship to the self and their own inner reality.
The addicts might often engage in distorted thinking, often rationalizing and justifying their behavior or blaming others for problems. They generally deny they have a problem and make excuses for their actions, which for them might seem perfectly healthy and good. This despite it being an unmanageable problem in the addict's life. The reason might be the that to realize the addiction involves a mayor life change that also threatens the identity that the addicted has built up for her/himself. And it also involves facing the difficult feelings of non-worth and pain that is disguised by the addiction. This becomes very difficut as it includes changing a habit that makes them feel safe and good. As long as they feel good, and get their addiction, they don´t want to change.
Change often comes just when they have reached rock bottom and suffering enters their life at a high level, because of their actions. So it might take might take years and years of addiction and abuse to enter that state of mind, where recovery is wanted.
Sexual addiction might also be associated with risk-taking. In addition to damaging the addict's relationships and interfering with his or her work and "normal" life, a sexual addiction also puts other people and themselves at risk for emotional or physical injury (not using protection during sexual intercourse etc)
These behaviors naturally makes it extremely difficult to work or engage in healthy personal relationships, and normally a love/sex addict has no real feeling of what a healthy relationship is actually based on. They have never gone to the depths or experienced real love and commitment. They were not really given it as a child, and they never learned it as adults. Their way were the made kinda of love, the perverted copy of it. For them love and intimicy is the intensity they feel in connecting with someone else. It is not built slowly up through time, but it coes as a sudden blow, a hit in the meeting with an other addict.

But the first step is facing the addiction, and in that way also starting the path to a healthy life, where loving relations both to the self and others are possible.

Signs and Characteristics of Sex and / or Love Addiction:

# Lack of nurturing and attention when young
# Feeling isolated, detached from parent/s and or family
# Compartmentalization of relationships from other areas of life
# Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at any cost
# Perceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, on a par with food and water
# Insatiable appetite in area of difficulty (sex, love or attachment / need.)
# Inner (conscious/subconscious) rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment
# Outer facade of "having it all together" to hide internal disintegration
# Mistake intensity for intimacy or love
# Hidden Pain
# Powerlessness over addictive sexual behavior.
# Resulting unmanageability of his/her life.
# Feelings of shame, pain, and self-loathing.
# Failed promises and attempts to stop acting out (seeking the stimuli of romance/sex).
# Preoccupation with sex leading to ritual.
# Tendency to leave one (sexual/romantic)relationship for another.(No real time alone)
# Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship
# Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner/s
# Escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior
# Intense need to control self, others, circumstances
# Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems (food, alcohol etc)
# Using others, sex & relationships to alter mood or relieve emotional pain
# Continual questioning of values and lifestyle
# Confusion of sexual attraction with love ("Love" at first sight.)
# Tendency to trade sexual activity for "love" or attachment
# Existence of a secret "double life"
# Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem
# Defining "wants" as "needs"
# Attempts to replace lost relationships/sexual encounters with new ones immediately

Many of these symptoms are also elements of codependency and intimacy dysfunctions resulting from childhood abandonment, emotional or sexual abuse. For this reason treatment and therapy for Love Addiction often includes trauma recovery work. Read what others have to say about love addiction.

Check yes or no to the self test presented on this page. A high number of yes would indicate romance/sex addiction. Remember that romance can be a delightful part of our love relationships and bring out the best in us. It is when we have become over-identified with this experience that it hurts a person.

-----o--o-o--o-o--O--o-o--o-o--o--------

How is sexual/romantic addiction treated?

Most addicts live in denial of their addiction, and treating an addiction is dependent on the person accepting and admitting that he or she has a problem. In many cases, it takes a significant event—such as the loss of a job, the break-up of a marriage, an arrest, or health crisis—to force the addict to admit to his or her problem.

Support groups and 12 step recovery programs for people with addictions (like SLAA; Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) have been proven very helpful. This program is designed to help the individual come through a recovery process on his own, but at the same time through the support and knowledge of the group. The goal is to stop the self-destructive patterns and find a life that is grounded in healthy living and selflove.

Find an SLAA meeting in your city

SLAA litterature

The healing of sex/love addiction focuses on controlling the addictive behavior and helping the person develop a healthy sexuality, sense of relating and self. Treatment can also include education about healthy sexuality, individual counseling, and marital and/or family therapy.

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This guy is hilarious. He was not only a comedian, but in a way, one of the few voices left in America who just spoke the plain truth!
Here are a few different clips. Some more serious, some more silly! Enjoy!

Co-dependency

Or the difference in

"being responsible for others and being responsible to others"

OBS: This artickle concentrates on the side of codependance where the selfasteem is low, and the codependent feels needed by others. A typical codependent reaction is also the total opposite, to feel more vaulable than others and that nobody should need them. You can read up on this by text of Pia Malody

Let us embrace and own the idea that having healthy relationships in our lives is important. As a result, we nee

d to make sure we bring our best we can be to the relationship process. What does it mean to be our best? To understand this idea we need to begin to understand the difference in between being re

sponsible for others and being responsible to others in our lives.

More recently, “co-dependency” has been adapted to help describe the behaviors present in any dysfunctional relationship where one person sacrifices “self” in the hopes of satisfying their needs of feeling wanted, desired, loved, valued, etc. These behaviors are often rooted in the upbringing in a dysfunctional family, where abuse (emotional, spiritual, physical or sexual) is present.

Co-dependency is generally used to describe any self-sacrificing, unhealthy behavior patterns which result from dysfunctional relationships adding more fuel to the dysfunctional relationship patterns. It’s a circular pattern of behavior that is often distructive for all those involved.

So, in other words, co-dependency can be defined as the tendency to put others needs before your own. You accommodate to others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings, desires and basic needs. Your self-esteem depends largely o

n how well you please, take care of and/or solve problems for someone else (or many others). In other words, it is the denial or repression of the real self. It is based on the wrong belief that love, acceptance, security, success, closeness and salvation are all dependent upon one's ability to do "the right thing." In the process, the co-dependent denies who she or he really is. Once addicted, the codependent becomes blind to the reality of their own behavior and to their own self-worth.

They have good intentions; often the very best. They can often try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the care-taking can become compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a subconscious sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents often view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Here are some unconscious deeper feelings that co-dependents often struggle with:

1. If someone important to me expects me to do something, I should do it.

2. I should not be irritable or unpleasant.

3. I shouldn't do anything to make others angry at me.

4. I should keep people I love happy.

5. It's usually my fault if someone I care about is upset with me.

6. I obtain self-esteem out of helping others solve their problems.

7. I tend to overextend myself in taking care of others.

8. If necessary, I put my own values or needs aside in order to preserve my relationship with my significant other

9. I have a hard time receiving things from others.

10. Fear of someone else's anger has a lot of influence on what I say or do.

The consequences of maintaining a co-dependent approach to life is a lot of resentment, frustration and unmet personal needs. When these feelings and needs remain unconscious, they often resurface as anxiety -- especially chronic, generalized anxiety or depression. The long-term effects of co-dependency are enduring stress, fatigue, burnout and eventually serious physical illness.

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:
-An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
-A tendency to confuse love with the feelings of pity

or guilt
-A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
-A tendency to become hurt when people

don’t recognize their efforts
-An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a (often destructive) relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment, even though the relationship is bad for them
-An extreme need for approval and recognition
-A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
-A compelling need to (passively) control others
-Lack of trust in self and/or others
-Fear of being abandoned or alone
-Difficulty identifying feelings
-Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
-Problems with intimacy/boundaries
-Chronic (subconscious) anger
-Sometimes poor communication in relationships
-Difficulty making decisions

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you very worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem or who hits or belittles you?
4. Have you ever lived with someone or stayed in a relationship that was not good for your overall mental health?
5. Do you often feel that the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes in your life?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time apart from you?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when a close one makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking or relating naturally to people in authority?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

If you identify with some or several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

When Co-dependency Hits Home

Recovery and treatment

So what is really the difference in being responsible to others instead of being responsible for others in our lives? To understand that we need to understand both ourselves and our close relationships better.

The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is to understand it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends into their relationships.

A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say “no,” to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.

So, yes, hope lies in learning and understanding more. The more you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Everyone carries some baggage from their life’s journey. We can see that we are all lugging around some different sized loads – but we all have a load to bear. It is irresponsible for anyone to try and dump their baggage on someone else and equally irresponsible for us to carry someone else’s. It is important that we all carry our own load. (We all have baggage – we just need to learn how to carry it gracefully.)

With this baggage carrying analogy, we can see that if someone is trying to carry the load of another the weight becomes unbearable for one (he/she has been dumped on) and the other person is experiencing unbridled freedom – no worries. This isn’t good for either person.

Everyone has their own baggage or burdens to live through and carry. Life is just that way. Things happen on an everyday basis – we all must experience, learn and (hopefully) grow through these experiences, thus becoming more graceful at carrying our own burdens. If we try to carry this baggage for another, then we are depriving the person of experiencing his/her life. We are getting in the way of the lessons that are being introduced to them. We are feeling responsible for their life – for their happiness – for their success – even for their failures.

The same can be said if we try and get others to carry our life’s baggage. If we keep handing it off and not dealing with it ourselves then we are expecting someone else to be responsible for our lives. We are giving up our power. We will miss out on all of the opportunities we are presented to experience, learn and grow as a person. We will never learn how to gracefully walk with our burdens – our baggage. We are not being responsible for ourselves or our life.

Instead, it is a much more healthy approach to living if we consider ourselves responsible to other people rather than being responsible for other people. Sometimes life dumps a trunk on us and we need genuine help to carry it. It is far too heavy to carry alone. These are times in life that are extra heavy, extra difficult, extra trying. In these cases we are all responsible to ask for help and those of us who are able would be loving and supportive to help during those times of trial – ie. illness, death, divorce, natural disaster, abuse, war, etc. These times call for assistance – a temporary sharing of the load that someone has experienced in their life. To help the person struggling is to be responsible to them - we are there to help, supporting others during difficult times of trial and pain. We are assisting, not trying to carry or control the burden alone. We are helping out for a while until such time as the trial is lifted.

One of the most commonly identifiable behaviors/attitudes in co-dependency is that of trying to control our environment (namely relationships) to satisfy our deep need of wanting to be loved. Have you ever found yourself saying things like:

• “If I was good enough, strive to make and be my very best he/she would love me.”
• “If I don’t do it, the job won’t get done or won’t be done right and people will be disappointed in me.”
• “If I volunteer more, I will be liked and respected.”
• “I know so much through my experiences, it is my responsibility to pass on this information to everyone whether they think it is important information or not.”
• “If I do things perfectly, I feel safe, and people will respect me.”
• “My spouse/significant other will always be happy if I just behave in a certain way and/or provide for their every need.”
• “If we pretend that the abuse or wrongdoing isn’t happening, things will work out okay"
• “If I can just avoid saying anything confrontational, but just make a even better effort in fixing things, then they might be fine in the end.”
• "I need to give 120% - one hundred percent of myself all the time.”
• “A job worth doing, is worth doing perfectly.”
• “If I feel guilty, I must have done something wrong, so I need to do anything in my power to fix it"

All of these statements suggest a strong issue of co-dependency. Here we are trying to carry someone’s baggage rather than letting them carry it themselves. It is a place where our boundaries blend in too closely with those boundaries of our family members, friends and loved ones. They all suggest passively having control over other peoples’ opinions, thoughts and feelings – being responsible for others. If we have co-dependant attitudes/behaviors, deeper down we believe that we are influential of all the circumstances – we are able to “make" someone happy, sad, angry, furious, out of control, elated, content…the list goes on and on. With co-dependant behaviors/attitudes come the belief that through our actions we control how all other people see us, value us, and respond to us. This is a recipe for disaster.

Rather than allowing others to own their own reactions to situations, we believe they should respond in a way defined (and usually desired) by us. In many situations this isn’t necessarily “evil” control, but actually stems out of good wishes and wanting the best for others. It is just very misunderstood. Many of us want our family members to be happy and satisfied with life. We desire love and nurturing relationships. We want our bosses to approve of us and like us. None of these desires are wrong unless they get in the way of living life in an honest way where we are feeling responsible for other people.

It is important that we learn to live life in a way that is true to who we fundamentally are and what we believe. To live otherwise is to live in a falseness-of-self that will always come back to haunt us. We can’t “make” anyone feel, act, or be someway they don’t choose to be themselves…that is their choice (not ours) to make. Often times a person can get trapped in this cycle when involved in a relationship where he/she really cares about how the other person feels about him/her.

Remember back to your youth…as a teenager, we often would discover someone and develop a huge crush on him/her. We would wonder what they liked to do and what kind of things happened that resulted in smiles and laughter in their lives…we look for those things that made them tick. Then, we might have tried to emulate this type of person so that the object of our desire would “like us.” Maybe, if we were able to perform perfectly, dress perfectly, behave just so - this person might even fall in love with us.

We did our homework. We discovered what was important to him/her and then snared them in the trap of our charm. Weeks or months later, we possibly discovered that there were things about him/her that we weren’t all that wild about. Maybe we became sick to death of going shopping or having football games on t.v. every Sunday. We may even have tried to change them a bit…maybe bringing up other options for entertainment that were important to us – we encouraged them kindly (or forcefully) to just try and see how wonderful these things could be. We wanted them to change to fit what our real desires were – what was really in our hearts. Instead of respecting that they where who they were and we were who we really were – that person behind the persona of “perfect.”

Does this scenario sound familiar? Unfortunately, it is all too often the case in relationships – even past our teen years. The passionate infatuation stage wanes and we find ourselves tired of trying to be someone we aren’t and then wanting to have our partner “just love me for who I really am.” We may also attempt this same type of manipulation with our parents or other significant people in our lives. Trying desperately to gain approval, acceptance, love – it just doesn’t work. We cannot (nor should we even try) get people to feel things they do not want to feel – even love. (Sorry Cupid, those arrows really don’t work!)

The best we can hope for and actually what we should be striving toward, is being true to who we are in our hearts. That doesn’t mean to be blindly accepting of our behaviors (both good and bad). But rather to live true to our values, skills, personality, and all those gifts that enrich our personhood. We need to discover, learn and grow in who we are. Then, we bring our “best” self to the table of any and all relationships. If the “object of our desire” isn’t receptive – that may be quite sad (and sometimes devastating) – but it is his/her choice. We shouldn’t try to manipulate this process. It is the best for all involved.

If we think about it logically and remove our personal feelings from the observations, it really makes a lot of sense. If we are respectful of others’ boundaries and desires as well as our own, the result will be good matches rather than manipulated partnerships. Everything will be out on the table with no surprises. We won’t be trying to change anyone and no one will be trying to change us. We will all be living in truth rather than wishing for what “could possibly be if he/she would change.” The result will be an honest connection between people who share common values, beliefs, convictions, interests, etc. Not only will we be loving someone as they are – we will be loved for who and what we are – “loved for being me!”