Today I was on the subway
And I took it two stops to far
So I had to go of and
take it back in the other direction
I nearly came to late for class

You don't stop to play because you get old
You get old because you stop to play

- Aasa (haha)

unpoerty

All these people, everywhere, they are making me feel small, they are too many, they are crawling an biting until they are stuck to every corner, its enough, they are to many, but there is nothing I can do about it. The clouds are sinking, I am sinking, I get heavy and fall through the asphalt, my head is the heaviest of all, it pulls my body down like a rock on top of a new born bird. I fall and fall, and then suddenly I am out of the metro, and the sky is up there, the clouds are there, all this beauty is there and it stings me, I forgot that it existed, in an eternity of 10 minutes I forgot beauty, and now it pains me even more than pain, even more than the mouldering herd of people. Beauty cries me and I cant breathe, the air has left me and my lungs are too small. It is almost comical, in a way I could have laughed. I cross the street a little too slow this time, while I look at the car coming towards me, I don't think I ever meant it, but still I crossed the street a little too slow, but I love life too much, I hate life too much....to do that.
....
And then, two hours later, I am laughing just because the joke a guy told was so dumb that I am laughing of myself laughing at the joke. I have mood swings like a hummingbird on acid, hahahahaha! Some day maybe I will cut of my right ear and send it in the mail to my brother....oh , no, that's right, that's not me.
Life freaks the hell out of me on a daily basis. I intensely love it and hate it. And right now its so freaking beautiful that I want to go on a rooftop and howl and be crazy in love, and make love in the rain (still on the same rooftop)!
I long I long I long I long and its a wonderful feeling
How can one single person contain all these emotions
And in just one day
KABOOM! There I exploded!
Is this normal?

...wow! These colours look ugly together!

In the silence of silence...

... in a wind down by the harbour... in a color on a rag on a porch... in a knocking at my door at night...
in a dream i cant remember... in a wish i always carried... in a light falling on the street a springday... in the voundedness I could see in you... in the blowing leaves in a tree outside my window... in a clumsy gesture... in the look you had... in the space between what I know... in a vision through a strangers door... in a new country I have yet to learn... in all I dont know about you

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....................................I llrye llrye likhiem..........
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existence is an illusion
illusion is an existence
an illusion existence is
is illusion an existence
existence is an illusion

everything is nothing
nothing is everything

"One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing"
- Socrates

A new love....

....the world of photography is full of surprises
and the very best of them are the old techniques
I have lately been working with Cyanotypes
A technique that is truly artistick and the results really facinating
The best part is that you dont need a fancy lab, you can do it at home
I would recommend you all to have a look at this Wikipedia: Cyanotype
How to make a cyanotype

A little random something

The phantom of the opera
A psychological interpretation
A symbolistic story of the wounded parent child relationship

I will in this text talk about the psychological aspects regarding personal transformation and a direct interpretation of the story;
"The phantom of the opera" as a woman's inner psychological journey.
It can bee seen as an archetypal story that has been repeated in different version of fairy tales and stories through time. The outer story is the journey of a girl into womanhood and everything this entails. This well known pattern of the typical fairytale is introduced, though with many new elements and modern twist to the plot.

In the The Phantom of the Opera we are presented with tree main characters. Christine: the young girl which the story concentrate around.
The phantom: a man disguised, wearing a mask
And the man wooing Christine; the young count Raoul. 

Christine's father died when she was young, telling her he would send "the angle of music" to watch over her and guide her after he was gone. 

Issues concerning the father and father-figure are well known theories from classical psychology. The absence of a father in childhood, either emotionally or physically, will have a large impact on a child's emotional life, impact that will also continue to affect it later in life. The absence can manifest itself in different ways, buy the most important aspect is an actual absence, which leaves the child without the needed emotional support. Sometimes it is emotional absence, other times physical, like in Christine's case, or maybe even both. But whether the father is there physically or not, the same factor is present - he is not there as a guidance or guardian. He is not there as a supporting parental figure by her side as they grows into adulthood.

A very typical pattern for young children who don't have the supporting father by their side, is to make up a "fantasy dad", an idealized image of a man. This mostly happen on a subconscious level in the psyche and this ideal image they will, in many cases, carry with them subconsciously a large part of their life, until it is made conscious.
But as the image is ideal on the surface, it is very often distorted and perverted underneath. The (direct or indirect) rejection from the father carries deep wounds and has made her image of attachment figures disturbed and unreal.

Some hints of this theme is carried out through the entire plot of "The phantom of the opera". In a scene, Christine calls out to the phantom, begging him to reveal himself to her and come out of the darkness and hidden shadows where he has been hiding (her subconscious) ever since her father died (inflicting the wound). The phantom then tells her where to look for him:
"Look at your face in the mirror, I am there inside" And as she gazes into the mirror, she can faintly see his masked face through her own.We can see this as a symbol of the distorted image created in Christine's psyche.- he is there inside her mind, yet still masked. The darkness is still only presenting as an alluring shadow, calling her inwards into the hidden pathways, down beneath the opera house. 

Fom this moment Christine starts her journey, stepping into her own reflection in the mirror, taking a leap down into the darker hidden side of herself. 

And in this darkness she finds a man wearing a mask, finally she meets the "angle of music",- A powerful being that has guided her through her artistic journey from the shadows. The mystery, the idealized man, the genius, an image that fascinates her, and her manner is nearly hypnotized as she walks with him down to the bottom of his dark hiding place. But even though he has shown himself, she cannot see him clearly, his masks has hidden his true face.
In other words, he is still hidden in her strong projections from her as "the angel of music" her father sent her,- "the perfect man", the absent father she lost, that in her mind has become the angel before her. The true darkness in him is yet to be seen. The allure and promise in the idealisation draws her to him. The longing to reunite with the lost or never present father. 

She is lured into his world. It is a dark, mysterious, sensual and powerful world. Yet, she is not yet conscious of the hate, the anger, the hurt and feelings of betrayal that lies under strong and godlike idealization and loss. She does not know the reason the Phantom appeared in her mirror, in her mind. Paradoxically she only sees him as the rescue from the pain of loss he actually represents. Her salvation has appeared. It's ecstatic and thrilling and it calls her to him. 

Christine spends time with the phantom down in his dark home, the catacombs, and is strangely attracted and drawn to his person. She cannot explain why, but the urge comes from deep within. They unite and she spends a night absorbed in his world. 

But later, she is bound to return back to the "life of the mortals", tge reality where idealisation shatters, and the vision of the phantom and her experiences down in his world seem to come into perspective for her. The light of the sun has cast light also on her perceptions. And she encounters the young Raoul, whom she falls in love with. This male figure can be interpreted as the positive aspects of her male unconscious image. The healthy parts that lives in her as well.

The famous psychological theoretic Carl Gustav Jung, claimed that in our subconscious psyche we all carry our masculine and feminine sides. For a man, the feminine subconscious side is called the "anima" for the woman it is the male side called the "Animus"
In his theory, these can sometimes take different forms. The Animus in a woman's psyche will be dominated and influenced strongly by her father. It is directly shaped through her relationship with him. So, as before mentioned, when the father is absent, this "inner father figure" can get somewhat distorted. The image her father gave her of men, is the image that shapes her view of men later and also her inner masculine sides and her relationship with these. But this also happens in with mothers and sons, or with single parents, no matter the gender. 

In the case of Cristine this is pictured in the two main male characters. It is the dual and separated parts that give unity to her deeper "male" sides, but they both are distorted in their own way as they are not balanced. The good is only good, and the evil only evil.

Children who experience an early wound in the parent child relationship will often experience such a division. There can often be an inner, subconscious, archetypical image with a perverted, disfigured man or woman, and/or a young innocent boy or girl. This can present in outer ways of feeling drawn to power, to submission, or to dominate. Power play will often be alluring. 

In our current story The phantom is the destructive part, representing the hurt and rejection from being left that has turned dark from being neglected and not acknowledge consciously by Christine. On the surface he is ideal and an angel, that she feels attracted to, but this is a protection against facing the real image lying underneath. And the idealization is created by Christine's unfulfilled wishes and dreams about her father. Her deep longing for the love that was lost and never received as she needed. 

Raoul, being the other part of this inner male character is the direct opposite. He is the one that is out in daylight. He is not hiding in the darkness (subconscious). He is straightforward and healthy. He is purely good and heroic. It is the inner male side in her that is positive, but still also needs completion to become human and "real". Nobody holds only either darkness or only virtues. 

Christine is torn between these two opposites thought the entire story, and they also battle between each other for her.(inside her)

Christine: Twisted every way,
what answer can I give?
Am I to risk my life,
to win the chance to live?
Can I betray the man
who once inspired my voice?
Do I become his prey?
Do I have any choice?
He kills without a thought,
he murders all that's good . . .
I know I can't refuse
and yet, I wish I could . . .
Oh God - if I agree,
what horrors wait for me
in this, the Phantom's opera . . .?

This text gives describes well the battle the adult with these early wounds with the parent have to go through. She is torn between her healthy side that wants the best for her, and the destructive side, that still feels so alluring and draws her in. 
She is taken down to the phantoms dark cave again and again, seduced by his power and mystery, drawn to the darkness in herself.

Until the day she sees his true face. the face that he has been hiding all the time behind the mask; and she confronts the idealization and tears off its mask, the phantom will have power over her and she will feel this attraction towards him. Behind this mask he is deformed, he is a monster. Behind the masks lies all the unrevealed feelings she has about her father she is scared to look at,- Behind the mask lies everything she has never dared to really see.

Before revealing his true face, the idealization was a safe harbor, where she didn't have to deal with all the "negative" feelings that also was there. The loss, the betrayal she felt when he was gone. The rejection she felt for him leaving* her. but in the story, she finally comes to a point where it is time to face her sorrows. Where it is time to look the truth in the eyes and let the tears she has hid for so long run free. And to finally let go of her father and the past.

*If he did it on purpose or not is irrelevant, the feeling of being abandoned will still be there.

"Thought of everything and nothing . . .
Her Father promised her
that he would send her the Angel of Music . . .
Her father promised her . . .
Her father promised her . .

You were once
my one companion . . .
you were all
that mattered . . .
You were once
a friend and father -
then my world
was shattered . . .
Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
wishing you were
somehow near . . .
Sometimes it seemed
if I just dreamed,
somehow you would
be here . . .
Wishing I could
hear your voice again . . .
knowing that I
never would . . .
Dreaming of you
won't help me to do
all that you dreamed
I could . . .

Passing bells
and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem, for you,
the wrong companions -
you were warm and gentle . . .
Too many years
fighting back tears . . .
Why can't the past
just die . . .?
Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
knowing we must
say goodbye . . .
Try to forgive . . .
teach me to live . . .
give me the strength
to try . . .
No more memories,
no more silent tears . . .
No more gazing across
the wasted years . . .
Help me say goodbye"

And through taking a step forward to say goodbye to the relentless search for him, and to accept the pain in loss, Christine starts the journey towards releasing herself as well.

In many fairy tales with a similar theme we see the woman trapped in a situation she cannot come out of. The negative images holds her down, and she cannot escape herself. In the end she has to be rescued by a positive male figure, a prince.
But "the phantom of the opera" is a story with a different end. Christine is not a passive girl, like in the fairy tales, that needs rescuing. She is not the sleeping beauty that needs a strong hand to get her out of the spell - the"dreams" and false projections - her sleeping state of mind.

Christine comes to a true awaking during the end of the song "the point of no return". What is new to her is that she dares to see the phantom in truth as he really is. She does not turn away like she used to before from his ugliness, now she confronts it, she looks at it face to face. Finally she acknowledges all the negative emotions that she is carrying. And then she takes a very important step and choice,- When confronted with the phantom, who no longer wears a mask, she reaches out for him. In other words, this is a story about positive redefinition. About what it can do for you if you accept those sides of you that you so eagerly wish to keep unseen, the ugly and the distorted - the negative emotions of the past.
And Christine really does, she tells him he is loved, that she loves him even though he is a monster, that he is not alone. And this creates a transformation in the phantom. He lets go of the chains he has bound her and her lover (the positive male image) with. He lets them both free to go out in daylight. He lets go of his power of her. The inner tyranny is broken, and the illusions can fall.It was set free through being seen through the eyes of live and compassion. She was set free through self love. (loving the inner, dark monster.) 

PHANTOM:
Down once more to the dungeon of my black
despair!
Down we plunge to the prison of my mind!
Down that path into darkness deep as hell!
Why, you ask, was I bound and chained to this cold and dismal place?

CHRISTINE:
This haunted face
holds no horror for me now
It's in your soul that the
true distortion lies

PHANTOM:
You've passed the point of no return

CHRISTINE:
Pitiful creature of
darkness, what kind of life have you known?
God, give me courage to show you you are not alone...
(she kisses him)

PHANTOM: (shivers from her kind words and kiss, shoulders fall down)
Take her… Forget me… Forget all of this… Leave
me alone… Forget all you've seen…
Go now… don't let them find you! Take the boat… Swear to me never to tell
The secret you know of the angel in hell! Go… Go now, go now
and leave me! Christine, I love you...

CHRISTINE:(To Raol)
Say you'll share with me, one love, one lifetime

RAOUL:
Say the word and I will follow you...

CHRISTINE:
Share each day with me each night, each
morning...

PHANTOM:
You alone can make my song
take flight
It's over now, the music of the
night...

"It´s over now the music of the night"...The battle over the negative is won with love and acceptance.
And Christine goes out in the world and out of the darkness of the catacombs (Out of acting through subconscious ways, like projecting idealizations) together with her positive male companion by her side which now also can be seen as a true human being. She gets married to Raoul and has children.

Symbolically, she lets go of the negative emotions that the loss of her father created (the phantom) with love and accept. She integrates totally her positive male image in herself (marries Raoul). And this makes her grow as a person (children), she gives birth to new things and aspects in herself.

For a human to face their inner phantom, their darker side, lies a paradox. We are also often drawn to this darkness, the projection of the"evil" side within.(The shadow, which Jung would call it.) We are drawn and repelled at the same time.
Christine tries to fight her calling to the phantom, and succeeds in the end by befriending it. But she only succeeds in seeing that she also needs to love her darker sides and accept them, and this is what truly sets her free. ♥