Learning from the past.Just to remind myself to not walk backwards
~ Aasa
From the old Diary of Anaïs Wolf.
Dated 31/01/06
Oh my sweetheart - can you understand all this? I am not sure I can myself, but I am trying to.
I wanted it so much to be real, that I pretended. I didn't even see it before now.
I wanted it to be a fabulous romantic fairytale. I wanted to be crazy about you and to miss you deadly when you left. And I told myself that I did - without even searching inside myself to see if I was actually feeling what I said I was.
We both wanted this didn't we? So we tried to play our parts, you with your longing eyes and me with my words. Only reality was there in the background - grinning with broken teeth, telling us that it was just our needs doing an act. I guess I fooled myself longer than you did. I am glad you woke us both up now. I still miss the dream though - it was such a magic illusion.
We did have some fun though - and some good conversations back then. I think I liked you, but I dint know much right now, cause my pretend-feelings have all left me. The rest was castles and castles with wishes in a theatre, we didn't even know we were playing. We idolised each other at first, telling each other how wonderful we were, nearly in-human, to escape the fear of not feeling so, maybe? Feeling good, and worth wile for a while in each others eyes.
Do you see it? Now I do....finally. I never wanted to before. I was too caught up in my needs for dreams and passions.
What did I really feel for you beneath it all? I have no idea actually, no idea at all. I just feel empty when I try to look. I guess that's why I did cling to the act so long. Its not fun to find emptiness and aloneness where you wish to find care and passion.
Do you remember? - my theatrical answer when you said sorry for our short goodbye. It makes me laugh of myself now, when I see through it. I said - "sometimes Its easier with a quick goodbye." -Like we were a couple of lovers nearly dieing for each other, being ripped apart.
When the truth was - maybe it wasn't much at all. We didn't even know each other!
Dreams upon dreams upon wishes.....A wish to mean something - to feel something deeply - to have something - something bigger than yourself. The escape from always feeling alone. The escape of the truth...that I am human, and that in many ways we all are alone - accepting that that also can be a good thing. And that in the end, I will die. We tried to make each other in-human - larger than life. How sad to wake up and see the lie...but also - how wonderful!
But I truly believed it then. I didn't see that it was a pretend. I just wanted to feel something strong...anything! Even pain. I was scared that the truth was nothing - that is was empty. And in those moments anything is better than the emptiness, the nothing, the silence that lies behind. How long it took me to see the beauty of silence and reality instead - to realise just how much more reality can be. In a way I was mocking real life. Thinking it could never come up in worth to my own imagination.
Its like all of my life I have been searching for these strong feelings. - excitements, thrills, passions, even pain by seeking them up directly! But these things should come by themselves naturally, not because you just create them when you want them to be there.
We were seeking the deeper feelings right away - starting with passion, thinking it would take us there. But they come through time, and they come through goodness, not passion. Passion is just a plus on the way down. Something that comes through vulnerability and truth, not through illusions. Through seeing somebody how they really are - to dare let them be who they are! To dare to be yourself, not who you think they want you to be. To dare to let life come to you as it is - with the possibility of rejection and real pain. To dare being in stillness, in feelings that are more gentle, to dare being hurt - a scary thought isn´t it? But after coming out of the illusion - it sounds like the most wonderful though of all - REALITY!
We did it in reverse, didn´t we?
Maybe we can be friends, I don't know... I know we had fun, and that is something! And I know we have a lot in common. But the thing is, a lot of the stuff we have is common is the pain under it all. The feeling of maybe not having a deeper meaning, and the secret wish of somebody being that meaning or helping us find it. Nobody can be or do this for you but yourself. That is the hard lesson! We must take the responsibility for it our self, and that is so much harder than putting it on somebody else.
I thought there would be sadness behind all this. Maybe even fear or a pain. But its nothing, nothing at all....Just emptiness and silence. How much easier it is to handle the strong sensations? So very much...I guess that's why we did it.
Maybe we could have been something good, if we had gotten to know each other in a real way, who knows? It doesn´t matter anymore.
I see that I have been searching for somebody new to start this game with lately.
To again escape the emptiness and start the thrill of pretending to care
But I don't want to anymore
I don't want to
I must stop now
I will stop
It is time to be honest with myself if I meet somebody - and it is time to dare to REALLY be alone until I do
It is time to face that maybe I will never meet somebody who I can be with in truth. And accept that reality. To be complete - alone!
It is time to lead my own life, to take full responsibility - not just partly
It is time for acceptance
It is time to define myself from within, not from outer gratification
It is time to be in the emptiness that I dread, to seek the silence, to find my own answers...
It is time for something real
