Co-dependency

Or the difference in

"being responsible for others and being responsible to others"

OBS: This artickle concentrates on the side of codependance where the selfasteem is low, and the codependent feels needed by others. A typical codependent reaction is also the total opposite, to feel more vaulable than others and that nobody should need them. You can read up on this by text of Pia Malody

Let us embrace and own the idea that having healthy relationships in our lives is important. As a result, we nee

d to make sure we bring our best we can be to the relationship process. What does it mean to be our best? To understand this idea we need to begin to understand the difference in between being re

sponsible for others and being responsible to others in our lives.

More recently, “co-dependency” has been adapted to help describe the behaviors present in any dysfunctional relationship where one person sacrifices “self” in the hopes of satisfying their needs of feeling wanted, desired, loved, valued, etc. These behaviors are often rooted in the upbringing in a dysfunctional family, where abuse (emotional, spiritual, physical or sexual) is present.

Co-dependency is generally used to describe any self-sacrificing, unhealthy behavior patterns which result from dysfunctional relationships adding more fuel to the dysfunctional relationship patterns. It’s a circular pattern of behavior that is often distructive for all those involved.

So, in other words, co-dependency can be defined as the tendency to put others needs before your own. You accommodate to others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings, desires and basic needs. Your self-esteem depends largely o

n how well you please, take care of and/or solve problems for someone else (or many others). In other words, it is the denial or repression of the real self. It is based on the wrong belief that love, acceptance, security, success, closeness and salvation are all dependent upon one's ability to do "the right thing." In the process, the co-dependent denies who she or he really is. Once addicted, the codependent becomes blind to the reality of their own behavior and to their own self-worth.

They have good intentions; often the very best. They can often try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the care-taking can become compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a subconscious sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents often view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Here are some unconscious deeper feelings that co-dependents often struggle with:

1. If someone important to me expects me to do something, I should do it.

2. I should not be irritable or unpleasant.

3. I shouldn't do anything to make others angry at me.

4. I should keep people I love happy.

5. It's usually my fault if someone I care about is upset with me.

6. I obtain self-esteem out of helping others solve their problems.

7. I tend to overextend myself in taking care of others.

8. If necessary, I put my own values or needs aside in order to preserve my relationship with my significant other

9. I have a hard time receiving things from others.

10. Fear of someone else's anger has a lot of influence on what I say or do.

The consequences of maintaining a co-dependent approach to life is a lot of resentment, frustration and unmet personal needs. When these feelings and needs remain unconscious, they often resurface as anxiety -- especially chronic, generalized anxiety or depression. The long-term effects of co-dependency are enduring stress, fatigue, burnout and eventually serious physical illness.

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:
-An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
-A tendency to confuse love with the feelings of pity

or guilt
-A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
-A tendency to become hurt when people

don’t recognize their efforts
-An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a (often destructive) relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment, even though the relationship is bad for them
-An extreme need for approval and recognition
-A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
-A compelling need to (passively) control others
-Lack of trust in self and/or others
-Fear of being abandoned or alone
-Difficulty identifying feelings
-Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
-Problems with intimacy/boundaries
-Chronic (subconscious) anger
-Sometimes poor communication in relationships
-Difficulty making decisions

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you very worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem or who hits or belittles you?
4. Have you ever lived with someone or stayed in a relationship that was not good for your overall mental health?
5. Do you often feel that the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes in your life?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time apart from you?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when a close one makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking or relating naturally to people in authority?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

If you identify with some or several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

When Co-dependency Hits Home

Recovery and treatment

So what is really the difference in being responsible to others instead of being responsible for others in our lives? To understand that we need to understand both ourselves and our close relationships better.

The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is to understand it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends into their relationships.

A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say “no,” to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.

So, yes, hope lies in learning and understanding more. The more you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Everyone carries some baggage from their life’s journey. We can see that we are all lugging around some different sized loads – but we all have a load to bear. It is irresponsible for anyone to try and dump their baggage on someone else and equally irresponsible for us to carry someone else’s. It is important that we all carry our own load. (We all have baggage – we just need to learn how to carry it gracefully.)

With this baggage carrying analogy, we can see that if someone is trying to carry the load of another the weight becomes unbearable for one (he/she has been dumped on) and the other person is experiencing unbridled freedom – no worries. This isn’t good for either person.

Everyone has their own baggage or burdens to live through and carry. Life is just that way. Things happen on an everyday basis – we all must experience, learn and (hopefully) grow through these experiences, thus becoming more graceful at carrying our own burdens. If we try to carry this baggage for another, then we are depriving the person of experiencing his/her life. We are getting in the way of the lessons that are being introduced to them. We are feeling responsible for their life – for their happiness – for their success – even for their failures.

The same can be said if we try and get others to carry our life’s baggage. If we keep handing it off and not dealing with it ourselves then we are expecting someone else to be responsible for our lives. We are giving up our power. We will miss out on all of the opportunities we are presented to experience, learn and grow as a person. We will never learn how to gracefully walk with our burdens – our baggage. We are not being responsible for ourselves or our life.

Instead, it is a much more healthy approach to living if we consider ourselves responsible to other people rather than being responsible for other people. Sometimes life dumps a trunk on us and we need genuine help to carry it. It is far too heavy to carry alone. These are times in life that are extra heavy, extra difficult, extra trying. In these cases we are all responsible to ask for help and those of us who are able would be loving and supportive to help during those times of trial – ie. illness, death, divorce, natural disaster, abuse, war, etc. These times call for assistance – a temporary sharing of the load that someone has experienced in their life. To help the person struggling is to be responsible to them - we are there to help, supporting others during difficult times of trial and pain. We are assisting, not trying to carry or control the burden alone. We are helping out for a while until such time as the trial is lifted.

One of the most commonly identifiable behaviors/attitudes in co-dependency is that of trying to control our environment (namely relationships) to satisfy our deep need of wanting to be loved. Have you ever found yourself saying things like:

• “If I was good enough, strive to make and be my very best he/she would love me.”
• “If I don’t do it, the job won’t get done or won’t be done right and people will be disappointed in me.”
• “If I volunteer more, I will be liked and respected.”
• “I know so much through my experiences, it is my responsibility to pass on this information to everyone whether they think it is important information or not.”
• “If I do things perfectly, I feel safe, and people will respect me.”
• “My spouse/significant other will always be happy if I just behave in a certain way and/or provide for their every need.”
• “If we pretend that the abuse or wrongdoing isn’t happening, things will work out okay"
• “If I can just avoid saying anything confrontational, but just make a even better effort in fixing things, then they might be fine in the end.”
• "I need to give 120% - one hundred percent of myself all the time.”
• “A job worth doing, is worth doing perfectly.”
• “If I feel guilty, I must have done something wrong, so I need to do anything in my power to fix it"

All of these statements suggest a strong issue of co-dependency. Here we are trying to carry someone’s baggage rather than letting them carry it themselves. It is a place where our boundaries blend in too closely with those boundaries of our family members, friends and loved ones. They all suggest passively having control over other peoples’ opinions, thoughts and feelings – being responsible for others. If we have co-dependant attitudes/behaviors, deeper down we believe that we are influential of all the circumstances – we are able to “make" someone happy, sad, angry, furious, out of control, elated, content…the list goes on and on. With co-dependant behaviors/attitudes come the belief that through our actions we control how all other people see us, value us, and respond to us. This is a recipe for disaster.

Rather than allowing others to own their own reactions to situations, we believe they should respond in a way defined (and usually desired) by us. In many situations this isn’t necessarily “evil” control, but actually stems out of good wishes and wanting the best for others. It is just very misunderstood. Many of us want our family members to be happy and satisfied with life. We desire love and nurturing relationships. We want our bosses to approve of us and like us. None of these desires are wrong unless they get in the way of living life in an honest way where we are feeling responsible for other people.

It is important that we learn to live life in a way that is true to who we fundamentally are and what we believe. To live otherwise is to live in a falseness-of-self that will always come back to haunt us. We can’t “make” anyone feel, act, or be someway they don’t choose to be themselves…that is their choice (not ours) to make. Often times a person can get trapped in this cycle when involved in a relationship where he/she really cares about how the other person feels about him/her.

Remember back to your youth…as a teenager, we often would discover someone and develop a huge crush on him/her. We would wonder what they liked to do and what kind of things happened that resulted in smiles and laughter in their lives…we look for those things that made them tick. Then, we might have tried to emulate this type of person so that the object of our desire would “like us.” Maybe, if we were able to perform perfectly, dress perfectly, behave just so - this person might even fall in love with us.

We did our homework. We discovered what was important to him/her and then snared them in the trap of our charm. Weeks or months later, we possibly discovered that there were things about him/her that we weren’t all that wild about. Maybe we became sick to death of going shopping or having football games on t.v. every Sunday. We may even have tried to change them a bit…maybe bringing up other options for entertainment that were important to us – we encouraged them kindly (or forcefully) to just try and see how wonderful these things could be. We wanted them to change to fit what our real desires were – what was really in our hearts. Instead of respecting that they where who they were and we were who we really were – that person behind the persona of “perfect.”

Does this scenario sound familiar? Unfortunately, it is all too often the case in relationships – even past our teen years. The passionate infatuation stage wanes and we find ourselves tired of trying to be someone we aren’t and then wanting to have our partner “just love me for who I really am.” We may also attempt this same type of manipulation with our parents or other significant people in our lives. Trying desperately to gain approval, acceptance, love – it just doesn’t work. We cannot (nor should we even try) get people to feel things they do not want to feel – even love. (Sorry Cupid, those arrows really don’t work!)

The best we can hope for and actually what we should be striving toward, is being true to who we are in our hearts. That doesn’t mean to be blindly accepting of our behaviors (both good and bad). But rather to live true to our values, skills, personality, and all those gifts that enrich our personhood. We need to discover, learn and grow in who we are. Then, we bring our “best” self to the table of any and all relationships. If the “object of our desire” isn’t receptive – that may be quite sad (and sometimes devastating) – but it is his/her choice. We shouldn’t try to manipulate this process. It is the best for all involved.

If we think about it logically and remove our personal feelings from the observations, it really makes a lot of sense. If we are respectful of others’ boundaries and desires as well as our own, the result will be good matches rather than manipulated partnerships. Everything will be out on the table with no surprises. We won’t be trying to change anyone and no one will be trying to change us. We will all be living in truth rather than wishing for what “could possibly be if he/she would change.” The result will be an honest connection between people who share common values, beliefs, convictions, interests, etc. Not only will we be loving someone as they are – we will be loved for who and what we are – “loved for being me!”

How we choose to shape our lives :-)

Like muddy water our hearts await cleansing;
turbid or clear, its nature is of our choosing.
Black or white, right or wrong -
these things come from the heart and its training:
Destiny is shadowed by the color of our intentions.
- Tao Te Ching

Two Wolves - A Cherokee Parable

An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life...

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

"One is evil - he is anger, lies, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

"This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf will win?"

The old chief simply replied,
"The one you feed."

Just being

I want to make today's post about something I have thought a lot about through life. About our relation to the so called "negative" emotions we have.

All from childhood, we learn in this society, that some feelings are "negative". A natural cause from seeing something as negative, is trying to avoid or escape these things. Also we are taught that some feelings are positive - joy, happiness, and comfort. As a consequence, these are the feelings being socially accepted to express. Because of this, a lot of us also try to focus on these feelings - we don't want to be sad, we want to be happy.
Happiness is the ultimate feeling that we all are journeying towards - that we are taught is the ultimate goal. Society teaches it to us and the message is easy to pick up everywhere.
You might think that this is something you have decided yourself, because happiness feels good, and sadness not, but just take a moment here and dig a little deeper. Don't just throw it away with that thought before you have read what I have to say.

So, we are taught to strive for happiness**....and finally, in the western societies, it is what we all are searching for. Think about it....what you want to find in a new job, with money, with travels, with discovering yourself, with a partner, a new place to live, children. We are taught that we need satisfaction, and through satisfaction comes happiness, and "happiness is life".

The search for happiness is also found in different religious or philosophical movements.
What makes us happy and how can we find it?
Or the answers are already given to us through recipes of how to make us happy.
One angle is telling us that love is the only true and pure feeling. Love is what we should all fill ourself with, and love will take away hate and negativity.
Is it really that simple?
Is it really true that all you need is love?
Seeing things trough these glasses of reality, I realize that to me they look tinted on the outside, so I with them I will see the world colored, but not as it is.
Can we really set fixed values on feelings?

Now, I have always been a strong believer in the power of love and especially compassion, but does it really take us forward to surprise parts of our own natural instinct and feelings? I am not saying that if we get angry, we always have to express it. Sometimes I feel that being part of growing and getting emotionally mature is the ability to actually be able to contain your own feelings and feel them internally, without necessarily having to express them externally (but neither surpress them). To have room for your own sentiments inside yourself.

I can look at this strictly from an angle of experience....Let us say that you feel sadness. Is it uncomfortable? If it is, have you asked yourself WHY it is uncomfortable?
Is it the sadness in itself that really is uncomfortable and a "negative" feeling, or is it the frames you have created around it, that is making it so?
Maybe you think that I am taking this too far?
Maybe you think that you could not possibly have such power over feelings, but just take a minute and try to look at it, for real!
When you are sad, what is the focus you have?
Do you allow yourself to be sad?
Do you let it in without judgment?
Or do you fight it or try to find ways to be happy again?
Do you define it as a negative place state of mind, or are you comfortable just letting it exist?

Is it possible that the struggle AGAINST the sadness is what makes it uncomfortable as a feeling and not the sadness in itself?
I can honestly say that I have had times when I felt sad and at the same time perfectly good. Actually, the feeling of sadness was a state of mind I "enjoyed" in that moment.
Is it possible that your reactions and perceptions of this feelings is what is making it "negative" and uncomfortable?
Could the feeling in itself - "sadness", be just an altered state of mind, with no minus or plus labeled to it in reality. Just something different on an emotional scale, that changes.
isn't change a natural cause in nature? How can we just stay in one thing all the time?

If you look at nature - at anything in nature, it seems to have a built in strive for balance.
It can be found everywhere.
Just take your sight. (You can try this out.)
If you take something of a color (chose a strong, vibrant one, just to make the example clearer) and hold it about 30 cm from your face. Then hold your gaze at it for about one minute without blinking. Then, when you take away your stare from it, look directly at something white. What you instantly will see is the natural opposite color to the color you were looking at. Direct oppositions in color neutralizes each other and creates balance. You eye is producing a fake opposite to the color you were looking at. This is your eyes way of creating balance, as the rest of nature also does.
Nature strives for balance, so why should we struggle against it?
Emotions come in us like the tide of the water. If it goes up, it is natural that it must go down later. So why do we fight it?
If everything flows in a natural stream of balance, cant we just go with it?
Maybe we can look at our emotions and not see them as being good or bad...But maybe we can see them for just being.

If anybody disagrees or has a different point of view I would be very interested to hear it, so don't hesitate to make your comment against me.

~ Aasa

**read: happiness for the ego

Like a tiny flower

Remember the little things that can make your days shine -
The color of a leaf, a smile from a stranger, the sun through your window,
a friend from the past returning to your life
These are the things that matter. The love that you give, the warm words that you share.
Why hold on to negative things when we can pull ourselves up with positive words and smiles? Hold on to the good. Spread it around you, you will see how everybody is reaching out for it. I do believe all human just want the good deep down. If we just remember who we really are, our true nature, we can spread this goodness further and further out.
Many hugs to all of you out there.
- Aasa

HOMEPAGE

Hei alle sammen!

Jeg har en ny hjemmside! Her kan du se fler av bildene mine og lese litt mer om meg og hva jeg jobber med.

Jeg leier også ut fotostudio i Oslo. Alt dette finner du på siden - bare følg LINK :-)

Hello everybody!

I have a new webpage for my work! Here you can see samples of my photos, read about my work and also get information about the studio I am renting out.

Have a look! :-)

Look around you....

Do you really see? Do you use your eyes and look through
...not just on? All these pieces that are built around us. Forming the castle we call society
What is it there to protect you agsinst?
Life?
Do you run around in your own circle? - thinking your forced way was created by yourself? Did you ever see the barrs that fenced you in? Did you ever look out and longed to break free? Did you ever question the things you have done? Did you ever realize the slow death of your soul?
entrapped in a soft, gentle, suffocating loveembrace - with school, money, career, house, loans, papers, satisfaction, ego
a slow distruction
a gentle dieing
of the free, lovely, playfull being that you are
Why do you seek these things? Do you think they will make you happy? - more complete? - fulfilled? At peace at last?
Do you think a marriage contract will make you love more?
Do you think being beautifull will make others like the real you better?
Do you think knowing time will make you more in control?
Do you think a house will make you feel safer?
Do you think prestige makes your selfworth deepen?
Do you think money will make you happier and more free?
Do you think having the things other people have will make you more accepted?

Do you think any of these things will last?

Let us run away together! ;-)

Into the wild

"There is pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society where none intrudes,
By the deep sea and the music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more."
— Lord Byron

I love nature like nothing else. Maybe because I feel it is the one thing that can get me back to the thing we all hunt around after when it comes down to it, the feeling of a meaning with our lives - a feeling of importance, an answer without a question. So, that is how nature make me feel, an answer arises inside of me in the forest, in its stillness, babbling brooks and shimmering lights. A feeling of purpose coming from nowhere and arriving within. I am at peace there, and I need nothing more than the trees and existence itself.
Because of this I have always been touched deeply by different medias describing this feeling, such as films, books and poetry. One of these were the film "Into the wild"

Into the Wild is a film based on the 1996 non-fiction book of the same name by Jon Krakauer about the adventures of Christopher McCandless.
Plot:
Christopher McCandless is a top student at Emory University and an athlete. After graduating, he decides to give $24,000 of his savings account to Oxfam and later, to burn all the money in his wallet. He hitchhikes to Alaska to live in the wild. During his adventure, he encounters several unique people that change his life before he faces the dangers of wilderness.
A story of a man who left society behind in his search for truth. The truth within himself and the truth in being.

Thought about the film:

It is a story as old as stories themselves, a theme which we have seen or heard in many variations before - A man leaving his old, safe life behind, going into the unknown, looking for true meaning. And many movies have also been made of the subject.
I am tempted to call these movies the "Carpe Diem-films". The stories that are meant to show you something deeper, that is whispering softly, or shouting out loud to you - "seize the day!" Disappointingly often these films are just a stew of sentimentalism that hardly ever seem heartfelt or genuine (e.g: the movie "The bucket list", featuring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman)
But "Into the wild" is something different. It is an exception to the rule, a story that genuinely speaks from the heart and also reach you there...this movie wakes you up, shakes you. It crawls under your skin and moves you. And maybe it might even make you rethink some of your life values.
It is a movie quite unlike what we are used to these days in the film-land of sentimental trow-up. At least I feel that I haven´t seen anything like it in a long time.
Into the wild is really worth a visit to the movies and hopefully, maybe later, it will take you to a visit to the forest ;-)

- Official site
- The original article that inspired to the book

dikt

Your skin is whispering memories
stretching out softly
like a tender, careful road
it slowly flows over the dark branches of my heart

Finally I am starting to understand
what it means to love

dikt

Jeg har øyne i håret
som blåser med vinden
og strekker seg mot
et smil uten ønske
og hjerte uten gripehender

Jeg vil vite hva vi egentlig tror på
og hva vi gjemmer bort
i mellomrommet

mellom tankene våre
i håpet på det der ute

Learning from the past.Just to remind myself to not walk backwards
~ Aasa

From the old Diary of Anaïs Wolf.
Dated 31/01/06

Oh my sweetheart - can you understand all this? I am not sure I can myself, but I am trying to.
I wanted it so much to be real, that I pretended. I didn't even see it before now.
I wanted it to be a fabulous romantic fairytale. I wanted to be crazy about you and to miss you deadly when you left. And I told myself that I did - without even searching inside myself to see if I was actually feeling what I said I was.

We both wanted this didn't we? So we tried to play our parts, you with your longing eyes and me with my words. Only reality was there in the background - grinning with broken teeth, telling us that it was just our needs doing an act. I guess I fooled myself longer than you did. I am glad you woke us both up now. I still miss the dream though - it was such a magic illusion.

We did have some fun though - and some good conversations back then. I think I liked you, but I dint know much right now, cause my pretend-feelings have all left me. The rest was castles and castles with wishes in a theatre, we didn't even know we were playing. We idolised each other at first, telling each other how wonderful we were, nearly in-human, to escape the fear of not feeling so, maybe? Feeling good, and worth wile for a while in each others eyes.

Do you see it? Now I do....finally. I never wanted to before. I was too caught up in my needs for dreams and passions.

What did I really feel for you beneath it all? I have no idea actually, no idea at all. I just feel empty when I try to look. I guess that's why I did cling to the act so long. Its not fun to find emptiness and aloneness where you wish to find care and passion.

Do you remember? - my theatrical answer when you said sorry for our short goodbye. It makes me laugh of myself now, when I see through it. I said - "sometimes Its easier with a quick goodbye." -Like we were a couple of lovers nearly dieing for each other, being ripped apart.
When the truth was - maybe it wasn't much at all. We didn't even know each other!

Dreams upon dreams upon wishes.....A wish to mean something - to feel something deeply - to have something - something bigger than yourself. The escape from always feeling alone. The escape of the truth...that I am human, and that in many ways we all are alone - accepting that that also can be a good thing. And that in the end, I will die. We tried to make each other in-human - larger than life. How sad to wake up and see the lie...but also - how wonderful!

But I truly believed it then. I didn't see that it was a pretend. I just wanted to feel something strong...anything! Even pain. I was scared that the truth was nothing - that is was empty. And in those moments anything is better than the emptiness, the nothing, the silence that lies behind. How long it took me to see the beauty of silence and reality instead - to realise just how much more reality can be. In a way I was mocking real life. Thinking it could never come up in worth to my own imagination.

Its like all of my life I have been searching for these strong feelings. - excitements, thrills, passions, even pain by seeking them up directly! But these things should come by themselves naturally, not because you just create them when you want them to be there.

We were seeking the deeper feelings right away - starting with passion, thinking it would take us there. But they come through time, and they come through goodness, not passion. Passion is just a plus on the way down. Something that comes through vulnerability and truth, not through illusions. Through seeing somebody how they really are - to dare let them be who they are! To dare to be yourself, not who you think they want you to be. To dare to let life come to you as it is - with the possibility of rejection and real pain. To dare being in stillness, in feelings that are more gentle, to dare being hurt - a scary thought isn´t it? But after coming out of the illusion - it sounds like the most wonderful though of all - REALITY!
We did it in reverse, didn´t we?

Maybe we can be friends, I don't know... I know we had fun, and that is something! And I know we have a lot in common. But the thing is, a lot of the stuff we have is common is the pain under it all. The feeling of maybe not having a deeper meaning, and the secret wish of somebody being that meaning or helping us find it. Nobody can be or do this for you but yourself. That is the hard lesson! We must take the responsibility for it our self, and that is so much harder than putting it on somebody else.

I thought there would be sadness behind all this. Maybe even fear or a pain. But its nothing, nothing at all....Just emptiness and silence. How much easier it is to handle the strong sensations? So very much...I guess that's why we did it.
Maybe we could have been something good, if we had gotten to know each other in a real way, who knows? It doesn´t matter anymore.

I see that I have been searching for somebody new to start this game with lately.
To again escape the emptiness and start the thrill of pretending to care

But I don't want to anymore
I don't want to
I must stop now
I will stop
It is time to be honest with myself if I meet somebody - and it is time to dare to REALLY be alone until I do
It is time to face that maybe I will never meet somebody who I can be with in truth. And accept that reality. To be complete - alone!
It is time to lead my own life, to take full responsibility - not just partly
It is time for acceptance
It is time to define myself from within, not from outer gratification
It is time to be in the emptiness that I dread, to seek the silence, to find my own answers...
It is time for something real

Who You Truly Are
Inner abundance

"Acknowledging the good that is already in your life is the foundation of all abundance.

The fact is: Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world. You are withholding it because deep down you think you are small and that you have nothing to give.

Try this for a couple of weeks and see how it changes your reality: Whatever you think people are withholding from you—praise, appreciation, assistance, loving care, and so on—give it to them. You don’t have it? Just act as if you had it, and it will come.Then, soon after you start giving, you will start receiving. You cannot receive what you don’t give. Outflow determines inflow. Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you already have, but unless you allow it to flow out, you won’t even know that you have it."

- Echart Tolle

- Link to original text


In the same spirit, let me also include one of my favourite movie clips:
BEETHOVEN: ODE TO JOY:

THE ILLUSION OF REALITY

Explained through quantum physics.
This is fascinating stuff. Take your lunch break to watch this while eating.
It will be well worth your time, if you have ever asked yourself questions
about reality and the world
Enjoy!
- Aasa

MANIPULATIVE PEOPLE

Have you ever met a person that in one way or another has you doubt yourself in their company, but you cannot explain why? Is there somebody you keep feeling that something is wrong around, but you cannot pinpoint what it is? You feel bad around them, but they seem totally nice and even wonderful...Still being around them is in the end frustrating for you. You have probably met a covertly manipulative person.
- To call on and discover manipulative people before you get attached to them, can save you much trouble and suffering.

- There are different degrees of manipulative people.
At the end of the spectrum are those with a personality disorder. But the type of manipulative people I am gonna talk about here, however, are those you encounter in everyday life. They are people who function well socially, and stand out as normal people. They can actually very often be incredibly friendly, welcoming, positive and gentle. Anyway, they have a hidden agenda: to "win" over others.
There are many reasons for a person learning manipulation as their main way of getting their needs met, and also different aspects driving them. I am only going to mention a few examples here.


- The neurotic:
If they are more on the neurotic side, what drives a manipulator can be low self esteem. If they don´t feel in control, this low self esteem will surface. As long as they feel like they are the ones who are rejecting you, and not the opposite...as long as they feel that you want and need them, they are in control. They need to have the upper hand. The moment they feel like they don´t have it, it will plunge them in the oposite direction where their feelings of rejection, sadness or even despair lies. So they don`t feel above, they see themselves as below and they will avoid this at any cost. When they avoid this they will not have to deal with their inner deeper feeling of rejection and low self worth, which they try to cover ut in diferent ways.

- The caracter disturbed
The other aspect that might drive a manipulative is a character disturbed personality, who just hasn´t developed enough conscience. Their primal drive is just a basic need to win or get their needs and desires met, and they have not developed a sense of responsibility for their deeds in getting there. Their feeling of guilt is underdeveloped. In other words they have no real developed empathy for other people, so they have no real concerns or guilt feelings about using manipulation to get the things they want.

 "A common saying among professionals is that "if a person is making everyone else miserable, he is probably character disordered. And if he is making himself miserable, he is probably neurotic."

A key caracteristic to both is that they most often are unwilling to take responsibility, and will avoid this by different means. This is why some can be extremely good at covering up their own agenda
Here are some pointers to manipulative behavior:

- Flipping the coin: A manipulator can gain control over you and escape responsibility by making you feel like you are the one with the problem and not them. Being around a manipulative person can be extremely distressful. Especially if they are good at masking up their own agenda and tactics. These people can push others to a level of frustration that ends in an emotional outburst. After all the things they have put sombody through. The manipulator can then point to the outbursts as an example of your unruly behavoir. They simply try to make a point that you are the "crazy one", not them. Which takes the attention away from what they are doing. You had the emotional outburst, right? That it is stemming from their manipulative behavior never seem to come into consideration.
Another tactic on flipping is simply to put blame, but most often without cause. Most often the person will be blamed for the things they are doing trying to defend themselves from the manipulators attacks.

- Bagatelizing: Showing through action or words that the feelings or the issue brought up is of minor importance. This might be done actively by plainly saying so, or indirect by laughing or making a joke of it. A manipulator can state that something is of minor importance, or that the issue or incident brought up was done with the best intentions from his/her side. They can play innocent. Both methods will make the manipulator look like a better person. The first is an attempttto make the target person feel like they are being hysterical and making something of minor importance into big issues. "You are making drama again". In the latter their intentions "were good", the target is brought to guilt because of questioning the manipulator or "being difficult". These tactics might very often be followed up with some flatter, to make it look like the manipulator is not really criticizing you, but actually supporting you, something that will ensure you get even more guilt, and will not backfire on them for what they did to you in the first place.

- Denial: Tactics can be direct denial or passive denial. The latter can be made by behaving like they haven´t understood that they has done something that was not good. This also creates a lot of insecurity in the person that brought up the subject. They might get to a point where they start to question their own judgement and feelings, and therefore it is a very strong weapon in manipulating them further.

- Being vague: Being vague is a very typical manipulative trait, because manipulators avoid taking responsibility. If a manipulator is asked something they don´t want to answer, or don´t know the answer to, being vague is a method for them to keep control of the situation. Instead of saying the truth or "I don´t know" something vague with many interpretations comes out instead. To be vague is a way of not having to be responsible for what they have said. In the end, it might have been you who misinterpreted it all, right? So if or when the subject comes up, this can be played to their favour.

Giving warnings: A super way to ensure they will never have to take responsibility. Example: A person can say "I don´t want commitment or a relationship right now". Then after this initial warning they might act as they actually want one, even lead the other part emotionally and physically into it. This will give them all the benefits from it. Then, if the situation gets difficult or it is time for some responsabilities, they might pull out of it and bring back the initial warning they gave to escape responsibility. They can be extremely convincing about why they acted in a different manner after their initial warning. Maybe they were just swept away by their feeling? but they also told everything to you in the beginning? So in the end you are the responsible one, not them. So they can leave the situation feeling no responsibility for the damage they have done, even put it all on the other part. And this is basically what manipulative people are after, direct or passively. So this makes initial warnings quite a strong manipulative weapon. But if you know how to look out for it, you can get away from people using them before they do.

- Play innocent/ confused: To pretend like they don´t understand or even know what you are talking about is also a powerful way to get out of responsibility. They might even make you mistrust you own judgment and think you are the one who is doing something bad for accusing them of these things. To avoid the blame for something by pushing the feelings of guilt back on you.

- Ignoring: To just ignore what you said and move on to other subjects. Pretend they didn´t hear it / receive your mail / letter / message etc or the easiest way, to just bluntly ignore it and not answer at all. In this way they can make you insecure about the things you have said, and you will need much force to repeat it. Something they wish you will not, so they can avoid responsibility and confrontation.

-Take the role as a victim: by making themselves a victim they can make others feel guilty. Guilty for "accusing them" or anything similar. Making a victim feel worse will bring up a lot of guilt in a person, so a victim role is a good escape for confrontations.
An other benift from the victim role is getting compassion or pity from others. Both these examples can give them a passive control over other people.

- Blame others: Taking away focus from themselves by talking about others behind their backs. Seen in this light they may also appear good, because "they don´t do such things". It might also be a passive way of telling you you should never behave like the bad examples they are giving of the others. In other words, it might work as a passive warning or even threat. I.e: Taking about an ex wife and how she behaved. Maybe she showed them lack of interest or love. By telling you this, they are passively stating to you that you must never do the same, or even, that they need much attention and that you need to provide it. They are also showing themselves in the victim role of somebody else, and gets pity out of you, ensuring that you will not do the same to them if it works.
An other method in blaming others is stating that they are only protecting themselves / reacting to the other persons behavior. The others started it, they never did, they are only defending themselves or reacting to being maltreated. (Again they are avoiding responsibility)

- Lie: To lie about parts of the story or all of it. Manipulators are good liars and know well what things to tell you and what to hide. They can follow your reactions closely and play on it to win. Twist the situation after how you respond to it, and bend the truth to fit their stories.

- Distracting: To direct focus in an other area to take you away from the issue you are bringing up, so you will forget it.

- Make you feel guilty: A very powerful method that gives them total control of you and make them able to manipulate you even more. Many of the above tactics have this effect.

Are you interested in learning more about manipulative people and how to deal with them. Read the following book, I can really recommend it
- In sheep´s clothing: understanding and dealing with manipulative people.
- Other article about emotinal manipulation